Daily Horoscopes....

omeg · Sep 13, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 13th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Dont worry about arguments which are transpiring in your love life at this time. You may think they are serious but they are simply the building blocks to make your base a more secure one. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Youve been running on empty and its time to put yourself first. After all, if you dont make yourself a priority, why should anyone else? Make that call and put yourself out of your misery. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You want a change to your career but its more to do with fine-tuning than anything else. Take your time though, as what you are doing will last for years not just weeks to come. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You may be finding it hard to get family members to fit in with your plans as you had hoped but there is much you can do to improve your chances of changing their mind today. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Secrets that you trusted friends and family with are now, slowly but surely, coming to light. Dont worry my friend, for this can only be a good thing, as events are about to prove. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Someone you have fallen out with doesnt seem to be showing any signs of wanting to make up. However, what you must bear in mind is that they may not be as innocent as they say. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Make a plan to get your personal and professional life to work in sync then you will feel a lot happier. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You have been so busy looking at the faces who are not free, that you have failed to see the compatible and very available faces around you. Returning texts today can give you a clue. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Life is beginning to take on new meaning. Youve had to do a lot of growing up recently and your close ones appreciate and acknowledge it. And so now must you. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Gambles in love pay back tenfold. Remember that if you think you can, you will and if you think you cant, you wont. Travel plans link to a new future in more ways than you imagine. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont give up on those travel plans that you want to come to fruition. It is far better for you to look at the facts and then come to a happy compromise than it is to go to extreme options. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) The best careers advice is to find out what you enjoy doing the most and then find someone to pay you for doing it. You have been looking in all the wrong places. Seek out Scorpios who know what, and who, you need. Tuesday, September 13, 2011 Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. -- Fran Lebowitz <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will discover you have a certain flair for copywriting, and will pick up a little extra spending money by doing window signs for stores, such as Going Out Of Business. Waaaah! <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it Ze Bra. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to shuffle your feet. Remember: it's OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between kidnapped and tortured and wins the lottery . Probably a little of both, I'd guess. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying Down With Gravity! . <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous.

omeg · Sep 14, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 14th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) The Moon brings out your secretive side and could well see you doing things you wouldnt usually even dream of. Just bear in mind if this includes naughty behaviour in love too my friend! TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Someone appears to be playing a very mean game. They give you the impression that they want you and then they back off. Its time to raise the stakes. You know youre worth it, dont you? GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) New ways to impress a family member come with a perk you are set to receive in your job. Life starts to get exciting and you begin to realise that you are destined for great things. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) A friend needs a favour but you may not want to oblige when you find out all the details. Resist agreeing until they have explained their needs fully. You may regret it if you dont. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) The chance to visit somewhere youd only ever dreamed of at last seems like a possibility. Don't tell close ones of some extra cash you may have coming or they'll spend it before it arrives. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You are more than competent to succeed. Dont even hesitate. The financial rewards are good. Dont take no for an answer and get your own way tonight. It seems to be a matter of principles. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You may find it hard to get anything done today as you try to work out which way a relationship in your life is going. Answers link to events which occur after 3pm today. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) The current line up in our skies brings tensions to a head. No longer will you be keeping opinions to yourself. You need to know that you have the facts and others have fiction, so for once you can proceed with confidence. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You find it hard to get your head round whats being asked of you, but its a lot simpler than you think. Dont be afraid to ask questions and to get help with whats before you. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Watch your step when looking for shortcuts. If you dont, you may just find yourself undoing that good reputation rather than improving it. Little things you say and do tonight could change your destiny. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Stop trying to run before you can walk. If you try to jump ahead of yourself you will only end up losing time and making yourself look an amateur. Don't be afraid to ask questions today. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Travel brings good news concerning your love life. Watch out how much you tell certain friends about your future plans. You would be better off to wait until any deals have been signed and sealed. Wednesday, September 14, 2011 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It's actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you've been waiting for. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Beware of short people. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to count your blessings. Both of them. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase Careful, filling is hot! . <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) So. You let your mole plants die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine.

omeg · Sep 15, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 15th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You are going to find it quite hard to work indoors, as all you seem to want to do is to get outside and to breathe in that fresh air. You also seem to want to run away, but that is another story. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Lies told over the last few days come back on you, hold up your hands, theyve got your number and the sooner you come clean the better. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Youve placed so much importance on the petty matters that you have been missing out on the fun events that have been occurring. Let your hair down. The impossible is possible tonight if you do. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) This is sure to be the kind of day which you wont forget in a hurry. You get to see the people you have missed and hear the words youve been waiting for. Social links also lead you to a better career, so keep your ear to the ground. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) I know you love a bit of fun but not when such emotions are involved. Love makes up for setbacks as you finally get the commitment you asked for. Question is, do you still want it? VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Youre not getting answers from a close one. Start off by backing off and giving them time to think. In fact my friend, the stars suggest it will be your recipe for success if you do. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) A face you meet later tonight is set to confuse matters even more so than the last few days as they stir feelings you had forgotten existed. Cash concerns can be sorted out by making that phone call sooner rather than later. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Dont let confidence turn to arrogance. It cannot benefit you. You finally start to make arrangements for all and sundry so that you may make the changes that have been on your mind recently. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Its time to get rid of the friends that you know are only around for what they can get from you. Geminis want more from you than you may first think, so beware. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Your work seems to be taking you out and about much more, and you may even find yourself spending a few days away from home in order to tie up some sort of a deal. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) A new set of friends comes into your life just as an old set is leaving. Dont feel you have to tell white lies in order to impress them; theyll like you just as you are. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Stop looking to others for advice. You know you are an individual sign with your own needs. Would you really want the life that friends chose? I doubt it. Do what feels right, not what looks right. Thursday, September 15, 2011 Not everybody knows everything, so use everything you know. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will banish fear. It will stomp off in a huff. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) More trouble with that annoying bluebird of happiness today. With any luck, the cat will get it. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to make as much goulash as possible. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you should enjoy postlaunch solarizing. Q: What does that mean? A: How should I know? It's your life, you tell me. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul. Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate ice-cream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call? <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.

tmr315 · Sep 15, 2011

LOVE the horoscope page!!! :shwing:

omeg · Sep 16, 2011

tmr315 wrote: LOVE the horoscope page!!!

I'm soooo glad. Thanks for letting me know friend: Pam

omeg · Sep 16, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 16th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Someone is talking babies, pregnancies, births and the like. New beginnings in the lives around you make you question your own desires. You find out that you want something you were about to pass on. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Someone you think a lot of may let you down so plan around them tonight. By forging ahead regardless the stars will reward you and lead you into the fun youve been so in need of. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) The planets are putting you in the mood for love and if you are not careful you may well find yourself in a compromising position. Make sure youre looking for a mental and physical attraction. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Don't put friends before family or you will be creating major problems for yourself for the near future. You are needed in the home as someone has some important revelations to make to you. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You are finally realising what your goals are and you start to feel ready for all of the hard work that you have ahead of you. Give some time up this evening for an elder relation. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) There are certain decisions that you need to try to make but if you continue to pressure yourself in this way, then you will never come up with the answers that you really need. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You and a loved one have become a lot closer over the past few weeks but your chart also indicates that you have become more confused than before about where your relationship is going. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Don't worry about a minor upset happening in your love life. If you're truthful, you will admit that you have both been more than a little touchy, and you both want to make up. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You are the sign first being affected by the current line up which promises us all action, drama and intrigue. The only worry I have is you seem to be the main star in this production. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You seem to be intent on investing in something that, although you see as your future, your close ones see as a waste of time. Keep sight of your dreams, you can prove them all wrong. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Its not been an easy few weeks for you and I can see there have been some hard lessons learned. Youve come out the other side now. All you have to do is realise this fact! PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) This day sees you finding the faith to go forward with a project, which this time last month, you were ready to give up on. Cancerians show you a new and wilder side to life, which could see you shocking family members. Friday, September 16, 2011 After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. -- Cato the Elder (234-149 B.C. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp, and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough, I should think, for your efforts. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say live and let live. But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say live and let die. Or something. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You've been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It's something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Your next fortune cookie will say See? We told you it taste like chicken! <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omelet without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say live and let live . But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say live and let die . Or something. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbour's shrubbery... <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting Hark! however.

omeg · Sep 17, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 17th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You need help completing work in the home but the result will depend on how you ask for the assistance that you're seeking. Manners you have, but whether you use them or not is another matter. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your day is unlikely to go as planned and you must prepare yourself for setbacks when plans may be changed at the last minute. Don't forget to finish some important paperwork. Finances rely on it. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) An interesting face is set to enter your social circle and is certain to catch your attention and maybe even your heart. How open you should be with friends about this remains to be seen. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Aspects suggest you are in a clumsy and forgetful mood and if you're not careful you will run into trouble with a loved one when you fail to do what you had promised. Structure, my friend. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Mercury makes you the life and soul of the party. Wherever you decide to go you're sure to have a good time. Don't be used by a face from the past. There are limits to friendships. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You may regret your recent actions but without experience how are you supposed to learn? Dont be so hard on yourself but cut yourself some slack. Many miracles are possible if you do. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You may think that you have to cope on your own but you actually have far more friends and supporters than you think. Dont shut close ones out but tell them about how youre really feeling. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) With the exciting line up in our skies, youll soon have your party-head on. Just make sure you make a mental note sooner rather than later of how far is too far to go! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Make time to work out where it is you want to be in life and what your dreams and ambitions are Its easy with the attention around to mistake others wishes for your own. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You need real answers and they can only be found by surpassing game playing and going for the mature approach. By the same token dont get a friend to do your dirty work in love tonight. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) There was a time when you could forgive a friend who has lied to you but patience is wearing thin with their fun and games. Youve grown apart, but continue to do so with grace please. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You may not realise it but you will be spouting riddles. The moon puts you in the limelight and you can be sure this week will be an entertaining one to say the least. Saturday, September 17, 2011 It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of skipping shoe Nike is going to come out with. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it Life In The Details. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a loan piranha , at first. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying Down With Gravity! . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn't it? <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Soon, your cup will runneth over. Then you'll have to moppeth it up.

omeg · Sep 18, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 18th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You should be feeling strong and confident and if you can find the time to attempt a project that you started last week then you should find success will follow. Surprise visitors head your way. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You may find it hard not to fall out with a face youve never truly seen eye to eye with. Resist, as the planets may place you in the role of instigator even if youre not. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Commitments are being made in love, which can change the course of your life, so make sure you think with both your head and your heart and dont be led by friends or family. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) If a loved one wanted a change so badly that you couldnt imagine them being happy without it, of course you have to consider it. But consider too, if you know it will make you utterly miserable. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Capricorns link to intrigue at lunchtime, which involves you in some way. The best approach to new relationships in your life, both business and personal, are for you to start being yourself. Success will follow. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You are not exactly known for your patience recently, are you my friend? Why dont you try asking the question burning away inside you? Well all be happier once you do. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) It would appear a certain friend is affecting the way you act and it is time to take a stand. The best advice comes your way via a Scorpio who knows more than youd thought. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Old business contacts hold the key to you sorting out difficult work matters before the week is out. Working hard at this time can make up for the lost time you suffered earlier in the month. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Leave the domestic problem that has been worrying you alone or youll inflame an already delicate situation. Treat your life with the respect it deserves and you will start to see the success you crave. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) The stars make it hard for you to know whom you can trust. Finances also come under scrutiny. You can control this week if you act on facts not fiction and get information from the source. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You should start to see some changes in a close one after the recent strange spell they went through. Many of the signs have been more distant of late but from now, normality returns. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You still havent got over the events from last month. You have a lot of thinking to do as you finally decide to make the life change which can lead you to true happiness. Sunday, September 18, 2011 $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000, by which time it will be worth nothing. Lazarus Long <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word plumbaginous in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano! <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you'll be able to write a killer song about it. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from annihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) big , small , and clumsy . <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was act like a dog day, you might have been better prepared. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally snap out of it , you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This would be an opportune time to embarrass your relatives. There are many ways to accomplish this, of course, but my personal favorite is also one of the easiest to do: dress funny.

omeg · Sep 19, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 19th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Many new faces have started to surround your life but just what they mean to you is unclear. Try not to jump into any romantic situations too quickly. A good base is your key to longevity. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You start to take stock of your life and work out where youve been and where youre going. Many of your sign will be making decisions which will completely alter your future, starting today. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) To say your humour is a little extreme would be an understatement. The full moon brings out your naughty side and deep down inside you seem to love it. Tact brings a new best friend tonight. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) This strange behaviour we have seen you adopt of late can do you no favours. Those around you can see how much happier you are now but be careful about telling too many people too much too soon. They may think youve rushed into things, but you and I know different. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Try to be more understanding to older faces around you. You can really help them. You have an awful lot of strong characters around but if you take control they are sure to follow your lead. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You dont seem to be able to talk to a loved one as youd like, as theyre not willing to communicate. Give them time. There seems to be a past issue which has nothing to do with you. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Youre still hurting from stress a certain person gave you and aspects in your chart indicate that you are willing to change this time rather than them, which is wrong. Stand up for yourself my friend. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Youre not happy and it shows. What you must realise is, it takes a far bigger person to admit that there are problems than one who carries on regardless. Courage, success is yours, I can assure you. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont take advice from anyone but yourself this weekend. You are the one who is going to have to live with the decisions you make, so you must be the one who makes them. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) This week its worth trusting in the innocence of youth. It can give you the second chance youve been looking for in a relationship that has come to mean more to you than you realise. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You have fallen out with a close one. The good news though, is that the quicker you say sorry the quicker you can get on with enjoying what this colourful week has to offer you. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You could do with taking a backseat in love; if youre to ever learn the lessons on how to keep the passions that make the relationships in your life as volatile as they currently are. Monday, September 19, 2011 I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand through it. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named Sven , but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce this is a Stick Up!. Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will hear a strange clicking sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don't you think? <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to never look a gift horse in either end. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, nothing will play a very large part in your future. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Bad day to call someone a whiney gen-x cybercowboy . Tomorrow's better, for that one. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way). <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.

omeg · Sep 19, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 20th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Youve been going through a lot of problems but things are about to turn your way as the planets clear up the many little confusing situations that the past weeks have seemed to give you. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) An opportunity waits to try your hand at a new career. Go for your dreams. You are full of energy and anything you venture into is likely to prove a success, especially if it involves Scorpios. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You know what they say my friend, trouble brings experience and experience brings wisdom. Shake off any worries and get on instead with enjoying the many new faces waiting to help you live life. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Some good news is headed your way and you should at last see signs of cash coming your way that should make up for the recent drought your pocket is sure to have felt. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) The stars are throwing confusion into your morning and you may find yourself agreeing to do something that you will end up regretting. Try to keep an open diary as someone makes a surprise comeback. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Geminis prove powerful allies in financial affairs throughout this month. You have been looking at what may have been, rather than what was. Events, both today and tomorrow, put you on the straight and narrow. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You should find out that your suspicions about a close one were unfounded and should try to use some time today to discuss how you can learn to communicate in a more mature and responsible manner. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) After recent antics you will be lucky if you have any energy left at all. Don't tell friends too many details about your recent escapades; some things are better kept private, arent they? SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Arguments in the home are likely and you need to watch that you don't say something you will regret. You don't always realise it but sometimes your comments can be a little below the belt. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) The younger generation come to your attention as your advice and guidance is required in a rather delicate situation. Just be careful what you say late evening. Tact really is your key to control. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youre finally set to sort out differences with a loved one and can clear up matters that last week did not seem solvable. Try to stay neutral in a dispute between two workmates; it's not your problem. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Don't worry about a minor problem in the workplace still pending. If you can keep your cool you should find everything should be cleared up by the tomorrow, my friend. Think positive for a successful outcome. Tuesday, September 20, 2011 My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. -- Orson Welles <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell equaminity. ..er... equanimbity ...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze cute. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Noodle day #2! The Revenge Of The Noodle . Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for Szechwan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realized it already did... <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realize that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behaviour highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing. -- Edited by PMM2008 on Tuesday 20th of September 2011 05:06:52 AM

repsky912 · Sep 20, 2011

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omeg · Sep 21, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 21st September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You are finding it hard to say what you know is the right thing, and a mischievous mood could get you into all sorts of trouble. Making that phone call can get you off this giddy mood. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Current aspects indicate that one good blow out will be needed if you are to ever get back the passion which has been sacrificed for what you now see as a futile argument. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Its ok to be upset about something that happened. If you dont go through these emotions, you wont be able to move on. Life is all about learning; its what takes us to the next level. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Your feelings for a certain person seem to be growing ever stronger by the day, but dont you think its about time you told them how you feel? Speak from the heart and before 5pm. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont even think about cancelling arrangements youve made for today as someone has gone out of their way to make exciting plans for you. News of someone from your past gives need for a phone call. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) A new person you meet at this time has mystery and seduction written all over them. You are a natural romantic and will see any challenging situation as an attractive one. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You still dont seem to know exactly in which direction you want to take your career but you can clear many doubts by dipping your toes in the waters of your dreams. Today offers you this opportunity. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A loved one is in need of some special attention as your behaviour of late has left them feeling rather confused. Conversations with an elder family member can reveal history you did not know. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) If you can find the courage to spend some time with the people you are trying to avoid, then you should find an important turning point can be reached by all. Its time to focus on the positive. Give me a ring so I can tell you about tomorrow, today. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Talk through the way you are feeling with a close one or you are going to give them the impression you are acting irrationally. Youve thought about this change for a long time though, havent you? AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youre finding it hard to leave the past behind, but you dont realise that the future has a lot to offer you. In fact a certain face is getting bored waiting for you to notice them. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Work proves more stressful than usual. What you dont seem to understand is that you are so much closer to the finishing line than you realise. A tired mind makes for bad decisions. Slow your pace. Wednesday, September 21, 2011 The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing. William J. Broad <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Someone named Bob is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today! <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you'll get most of the smell out. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Not a good time to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, what's this sudden egg thing about, anyway? Perhaps you should see someone. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a puka , which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored papier mache animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed? <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with muzac in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting nick knacks . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

omeg · Sep 22, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 22nd September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) As the Sun prepares to leave Virgo and enter Libra, you start to ease up on a loved one and relationships in general come under a more harmonious influence. New work avenues link to exciting overseas offers. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Information that a friend has shared with you recently is not as open for public opinion as you may first think. Don't share gossip with others until you have confirmed it with your source. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Give work your full attention late afternoon when silly mistakes are likely to be made. It can make all the difference to your career if you can put all of your efforts into what is asked. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Dates turn out to be more costly than you realised and you'd be well advised to check the fine details of anything you have arranged and save yourself the embarrassment of having to borrow from friends. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Fun with friends is forecast for you. However, don't make trouble in the home where it is not necessary. If you don't want to do what a loved one wants then try to find a compromise. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Contacts that you make through friends could well prove to be invaluable to your future career and it is important that you give a good impression. Think before you speak today and about what you wear. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) It is as if you are tying to see how far you can push a certain someone. Don't keep this up for too long, or youll find they get fed up with these childish antics. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You find yourself completing work matters that you did not have time for last week. The home is also highlighted and many of you make major purchases for the home. The Pisceans and Aries are significant. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) The aspects at this time will be making it difficult for you to hold on to your cash and you may find yourself making impulse buys, especially around lunchtime. Do your sums sooner rather than later. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Be careful around certain signs of the zodiac today, who will be trying to drag you into a practical joke that could well have bigger consequences than you could have imagined regarding your personal life. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youre feeling more settled than you have in months, and part of the reason for this is that you know you can relax in the knowledge that the important situations in your life are permanent. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You have so much to sort out and your personal matters are getting more intriguing by the day. Old love matches come to the fore, but think carefully before going down a road that never worked previously. Thursday, September 22, 2011 I went to the doctor today. Apparently I'm so diseased they're going to have to amputate my entire body! There'll be nothing left! <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did... <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone smile when you say that, buster , for example. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) And old friend will call today, who you haven't talked to in years. He'll remind you that you owe him money. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, if you aren't broke, don't fix it. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will seek out new life, and new civilisations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment I've never cared for those hairless cats . That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy... <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It's nice that you've made good friends that you feel comfortable with. You might be getting a trifle TOO comfy, though - or you wouldn't keep nodding off while talking with them.

omeg · Sep 23, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 23rd September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) This is a weekend of intense experiences and, as you have discovered, it doesnt kill you to wear your heart on your sleeve. You are indeed ready willing and able to love fully again. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) The Sun is bringing out your best qualities, so you really are everybodys best friend. This could of course raise jealousy from faces who may try picking arguments with you over the most ridiculous of things. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Air signs love to talk but you are just talking yourself into a whole lot of trouble. If you cant say anything nice to a loved one today, then dont say anything at all. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You are going to have to be careful that your confrontational manner this week doesnt lose you an important relationship in your life. Dont stew on problems that dont really matter, my friend. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You are listening to too much gossip, and you are not listening to your heart. Make your own decisions and dont be led astray by someone that you know only has temporary unions on their mind. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) For once youre in the mood to work and can complete more today than you usually do in a week. An old friend tries to get in contact with pleasing news via phone or e-mail. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) As the Sun enters your sign you start to feel more positive about those events which have done such a good job of dragging you down recently. You realise the worlds your oyster, and about time too! SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You dont appear to be able to afford to do something, which you have been looking forward to for weeks, if not months. Have faith in the stars though, golden opportunities and second chances await. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) New love interests link to an ex who seems to have done a lot of growing up these past few months and who appears to be preparing to make a second play for your heart. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) If friends dont support you in what you want then do it without them. Real friends stand by you no matter what. Virgos prove hard work, but seem to have the connections to get you to the right parties this month. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You never were a sign to do anything by halves, but this time youre taking the biscuit. If youre not careful, youre going to cast yourself in a selfish light, so think before you act. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Travel is well starred and comes with some amazing opportunities to broaden your horizons. Cancelled plans prove lucky as the alternative brings a romantic opportunity you would not have expected to come your way. Friday, September 23, 2011 I am proof that Einstein's e equals m c squared is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, if you ain't broke, don't fix it. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Someone will dash up to you today, say meep meep! bthpblthpblthp! , and then dash off. At least now you'll know how to spell it. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of sacred quest , which will make a good ice-breaker. ( So...what's with the coconuts? ) <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don't worry, though. That's normal. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying Down With Gravity!. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be strictly bass. One must have standards, after all. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say nothing succeeds like success must have sounded like a real idiot. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. It's not just for weddings any more, you'll say.

omeg · Sep 24, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 24th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Favours you do for family may seem like they havent been appreciated, but loved ones are still in shock so give them a while to come round. Time will prove youre a star in their eyes. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) It is not that a close one doesnt want to put you first, it is just that they are unable to at this time. Patience can pay dividends and brings an explanation your way. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You have so much on your mind but relaxation must be your priority tonight or you will not get through the rest of the week with the success you had originally intended. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You may find it hard to get rid of the visitors that seem intent on taking up your very valuable time. Dont flirt with a friends partner for fun; you could be flirting with disaster. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Conversations today could just see you uncovering some facts which you will not like. Have a back up plan in place for tonight. You need a get out clause, as youre about to discover. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) The gossip that youre spreading at the moment is pointless. Remember the saying that people in glass houses shouldnt throw stones. Dont start a war you may not be able to finish, my friend. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Why not leave the people around you to deal with their own lives and get on with living yours; theres plenty of reason to. Pay attention to clues you will see today. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Emotions run high this evening as plans for your future are decided and announced. Its taken a long time but you will not know exactly who you do and do not want. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You may find yourself having to complete tasks in a rush in order for you to go out with a clear conscience this evening. You need to send off a package of some sort too. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Many of your sign are thinking of changing their careers but the big question that remains to be asked is whether or not youre willing to accept the loss of social life that comes with such change? AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) What you have to know is when to back off and give yourself some space, which is now. If not you may say and do something you and a close one will both regret. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You can say that you dont care for the face that is affecting your personal life but aspects suggest otherwise. You should know you want more out of life so why accept anything but the best. Saturday, September 24, 2011 It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office. Shirley MacLaine <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it). <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort of retainer she'd meant. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today is an especially bad day to try something new involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to her suit and thought you said hirsute . Still, this may prove a little awkward. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Tiddly wink day. Make it count. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don't worry, though. That's normal. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.

omeg · Sep 25, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 25th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Theres no reason why you shouldnt tell close ones about the changes you are thinking of making, but for some reason you have built up a barrier that is becoming increasingly harder to take down. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont overestimate the power of the planets this week. They can help you make all your dreams come true plus more, if youre willing to believe in the power of positive thinking. This means being honest with yourself and others. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) A need to talk to a certain person could see you traveling some distance. You have so much close at hand that is worth your energies, so get life and your priorities in order. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Making time for new faces can show you how big a place the world is and what youve been missing out on. The written word is more important than usual. Re-read all texts and letters. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Your life has changed in so many ways and I hope youre proud of all you have achieved. If youre not then you should be. Pisceans have a project to share with you, seek them out. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Focus on what you want for you and your close ones and not on what others perceive to mean success. Thats the key to you ending this whole month on a high in fact. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Use today to tie up a contractual matter once and for all. Try not to say things that you know are going to hurt a close one. Theres nothing worse than kicking someone when theyre down. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) The stars fill you full of doubt about a person who once meant the whole world to you. By digging deeper today, you will find out the reasons behind their surprise antics and recent words. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) The time has come to make a decision regarding an important trip a family member is hoping you will make with them. If you dont intend on honoring your words tell them sooner rather than later. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You havent been taking your work as seriously as you should. Now though, its time to knuckle down, so say yes to a promotion of sorts that is forecast to fall right into your lap via a Gemini. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Stop telling everyone else how to live their lives and put a bit of your time and energy into your own. You are missing out on vital clues as to how a certain face really feels about you. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) If you trust in what you are feeling at this time, then you should be able to get who you want, when you want, and how you want it this time too. Mars offers you the agility to impress those with power, so use it well. Sunday, September 25, 2011 We all have to die some day, if we live long enough. Dave Farber <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: never yodel with your mouth full. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.) <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you'll meet an angel, but don't let on that you know who she really is. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say What was THAT!? in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) This might be a good time to learn how to really flick your fingers. You never know when a good flick will be needed. I'm betting it's soon, though, in your case. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will pass a sign that says invorp today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them . They are a silly people, the Dutch. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as launch codes , who's been naughty , or Snerge . This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You're getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a bit of a waste of space...

omeg · Sep 26, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 26th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Dont take what a close one says to you the wrong way. Youre taking a lot of things to heart lately, for a sign that is usually so realistic and down to earth. New ways to get on with difficult work contacts link to Geminis. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your stars indicate that your relationship with your close ones is heading for much better ground, and this is largely due to the fact that you are no longer running away from your problems. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Try not to take advantage of the generosity of a new face tonight. You may think that they dont mind splashing out on you, but they are only giving in to your emotional blackmail. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Youre going to love this one; as for today Im backing you in spending your money. Dont grab your jacket just yet though, I only mean for the payment you know you will have to make. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Relationships are going through a sticky patch, but dont rock the boat, avoid confrontations. Place your energy today into work, lost possessions can be recovered in the home with a little thought after 4pm. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You may not be able to resist the offer of romance that is before you for much longer and from your stars, I dont blame you. Just remember to leave a little to the imagination. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Will it be love or lust you will be following this weekend? The only problem is that youre not really as in control of your feelings as you would like. Clarity and honesty go hand in hand. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Dont be backwards in coming forwards when telling close ones what it is you want. Certain faces in your life are willing to make change and this would be an ideal time to move on. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) It is only by asking for what you want that you will get it, for associates are far too concerned with what they want to understand what your real needs are. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You are going to have to try to make more of an effort to put your time and energy into your own life my friend, or youre about to miss out on a golden opportunity. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont make too much of a mistake that a loved one has made, you may need some room for understanding yourself in the weeks to come, so set a precedent you know you can live with. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Money you owe has taken more time than you had thought to pay back, but rather than ignoring this fact, you may want to try communicating with the face involved and letting them know why. Monday, September 26, 2011 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. -- Shirley Temple <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Crisply salute everyone you meet today. They'll all be startled into saluting back, and then they'll feel like idiots. You should then smile charmingly at them, and saunter off. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to make strange hooting noises, while hiding in the bushes. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.) <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he's behaving strangely, and look concerned. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbour, with the binoculars? <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Your neighbour thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says Quantum Physics for Dogs , and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil... <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup. You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don't remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed...

omeg · Sep 27, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 27th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You have said some rather harsh things to a face who has only ever tried to help and not hinder your life. Make an apology today or you may not get the chance at all. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) There is a new side to you evolving, which is sure to prove to your loved ones how much you have grown up. The new moon opens up a new career possibility for you. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) The stars force you to question what it is that you want out of life, but keep on an even keel and all is certain to be revealed in time. The chance to do something you have long desired, but never before been able to afford, can be yours today. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) The Moon pushes you to reveal a secret youd rather keep close to your chest. There is more than just you involved in such scandalous acts, so check in with the person concerned before you open a very big can of worms. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You may have to be cruel to be kind to a new admirer whos fallen for your charms, or you could find it impossible to get rid of them. Many of you may even be avoiding a phone call re work too. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Take your time when dealing with any important confrontations. Your brain is not working as quickly as youd like, and you could be in danger of making some minor but annoying mistakes. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You are going to have to be prepared to pay out a lot of money in order to show a loved one how serious your commitment to them really is. Its time to make your mind up as serious questions are asked. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You have a lot on your plate, but your home life is still demanding your attention, so be prepared to work just as hard when you finish your job as you do when you are in it. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Youre developing a passion for many new things and you may find this quite an expensive time. Travel should prove exciting as you see that even the most frustrating of mix-ups have a very pleasing outcome. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Youre making too many hasty decisions about a matter that cant possibly be decided in a day. Take your time and review your options properly. Your future happiness depends on it, so think before you act. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You are pushing out a close one from having anything at all to do with your work. If you want to keep the two separate that is fine, just let them know. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) A loved one has decided youre to blame in a matter which you know you are completely innocent in. However this is not the time for you to argue. Bide your time, the truth will surface. Tuesday, September 27, 2011 Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. -- Winston Churchill (1874-1965) <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you'll start to worry. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns, machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden? <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Hide. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You've just finished something, but you're starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it -- that way, madness lies. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will discover a little book called 1001 Names For Your Pet . You should probably name your next pet either Pope John Paul or No Clothes On . That way you can say things like Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again or I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley . Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the normal fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: My Darling Snookums: . <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you'll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60's and 70's, and will change your name to Sunflower in protest. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) It's ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.

omeg · Sep 28, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 28th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) The planets suggest that romance is popping up when you least expect it. I advise you to cancel any group arrangements you may have made. The best times come after 7pm and should prove unforgettable. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You may have to tell a white lie in order to get out of something. For once, I dont blame you. Dont embellish too much. Your story telling always was a bit of a give away. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) The chance to go somewhere different may prove more costly than youd bargained for this week, so try to be prepared. An alternative evening should make for an enjoyable romantic encounter that doesnt cost a penny. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Over recent days Venus, the planet of love, has made you a sucker for a sob story but thankfully today, you reach a turning point. From here on in you recognize the takers from the givers. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) News, of babies and pregnancies, brings shock to your circle. It may even make you question your own life and future. Dont forget to return a call, which can change your financial status this month. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You are spending so much time thinking about what you want that you have forgotten to actually make any physical progress. Watch out that you dont forget to put your dreams into action. Time is of the essence, especially in love. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Jealousy from a close one is making it very hard for you to be fair, as you find yourself being emotionally manipulated yet again. Its time to talk to that Leo about what is really going on; straight talking will work wonders today. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) It helps to talk about problems. I know you dont believe me but its true. By bottling everything up inside of you, youll only make yourself feel worse and more isolated. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) The fabulous aspects are going to guarantee that this week will be a lively one. It is also going to make sure that your love life is the subject on everyones lips, as people stop, stare and wonder if what they have heard is really true. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) This is a day when it is going to be very hard for you to keep quiet about matters that are important to you. Careful though, as you could be opening up a very large can of worms. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) The planet Jupiter is ready, willing and able to offer you the best in life during a time in which chances are advised to be taken. Anything is possible if you believe now. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Yes youve been hurt. Yes youre scared, but is that any reason for you to back out of the current story unfolding in your love life? Not with the power of Venus behind you dear. Wednesday, September 28, 2011 Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will break all the resolutions you made yesterday, and you will grin. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarrassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way!

omeg · Sep 29, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 29th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Answers to recent dramatics can be found from Aquarians. You still dont seem to know how you feel about events which have transpired in your love life but both answers and solutions come after 4pm. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You dont know what to do with your day. Let your close ones take the lead instead? You dont always have to be in the driving seat. Take a step back, you may just discover passion! GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Your love life is going to be giving your close ones much to talk about, but by far the most important event at this time is your career, which seems to be improving in leaps and bounds. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Be very careful of pretending that you know things you dont in both your career and personal life today. You could just land yourself with permanent and not just temporary responsibilities if you speak without thinking. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Youre asking the people around you for advice and guidance, but unless you start taking some chances on your own back, then you are going to give the impression that you dont know where youre going. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Be prepared to have to go back to the role of student as someone has something they feel it is important for you to learn and they will not take kindly to any negative reactions. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Youre starting to form some new and very important bonds with members of your family that last year you had neither the time nor the inclination to put your energy into. About time too, my friend. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Try to make sure that the actions you are planning on carrying out are what you really want, as you may not be able to reverse your actions as easily as you think! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Careful that you are not getting mixed up with someone who is not free or you will only have yourself to blame come heartbreak time. Conversations after 4pm lead to peace talks with family. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Someone youve long harboured feelings for has started to make a move towards a more intimate kind of relationship. Phone calls you receive after lunch confirm this fact. Wear blue for the power of persuasion. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You and a loved one have been at loggerheads more often than not lately. Talking, not shouting is the only way forward. Be the first one to wave a white flag in current disputes. Its sure to be well worth your while. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) A member of your family is not acting as you would like them to. They seem to know just which buttons to press to irritate you. Talk, dont shout, or you will cast yourself as the guilty party. Thursday, September 29, 2011 America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top. -- Charlie King <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will decide that you like the name Sven better than your own, and you begin encouraging people to call you that. Eventually, you will have your name legally changed. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will find the word impecunious popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) It's about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.) <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vacuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.

omeg · Sep 30, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 30th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You dont want to let go of something which has run its course. Part of you is frightened of the future and part of you needs some sort of closure. You can achieve understanding and fresh vision with phone calls today. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Please don't even think about asking for a rise or promotion today though as it is your silent perseverance that is making your reputation so gleaming, just bide your time a little more. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Your chart indicates an awful lot of stress. It would appear that you are not doing a very good job of talking about your problems. Use the helpful aspects to lay your cards on the table. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You think you have no friends in your career, but you could not be more wrong. Upcoming education offers you new opportunities, and helps to give you the edge in financial affairs too. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Today you are in a rather nostalgic mood and could find yourself visiting places from your past either physically or maybe just mentally as memories from the past come flooding back in your life. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Lies you told last week in business now come back to haunt you, and it is only by asking yourself why you have told such lies that you will ever learn the true path to success. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Don't cut corners at work or youll undo all of the good work you have done earlier in the week. Someone has stronger feelings for you then you realise so be careful how affectionate you are. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A celebration invite is an ideal opportunity to give a certain someone a call that you have not been getting on with. If you can make the first move towards reconciliation they will do the rest. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont offer money, which you dont have, to those you want to impress, you will only regret it and feel the fool when you have to retract your proposal later. Truths earn you far more fans. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You dont seem to be too sure of whether people are saying good or bad things about you. Let down those defences my friends and youll soon see theyre just talking, nothing more nothing less. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Your mood is somewhat unusual and you may find yourself making plans to try something new. Don't be too arrogant or blasé with a workmate or superior. Not everyone has your sense of humour today. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Mercury is not being at his kindest. Hes playing games but in the process, hes also showing you your options. Younger faces help you achieve great things in your work. Check paperwork relating to the home; mistakes are likely. Friday, September 30, 2011 Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -- Albert Einstein <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You'll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That's it though, for today's excitement. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase Careful, filling is hot!. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say nothing succeeds like success must have sounded like a real idiot. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Bad day to tease a yak. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You've just finished something, but you're starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it -- that way, madness lies. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It's about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.

omeg · Oct 1, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 1st October ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Love comes hard and fast into your life and links to the past in a most intriguing way. This is one time where I would actually advise you to take chances. Your future depends on it. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You seem to be thinking about everyones needs but your own recently. Its time to put yourself first. Thats right, for once Im encouraging you to be selfish. What are you waiting for? GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) It is not that a close one doesnt want to put you first, it is just that they are unable to at this time. Patience can pay dividends and brings an explanation your way. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) New deals which are discussed today could well lead you to those finances youve dreamed of. Paperwork sent off at this time can also see you getting ahead of the competition. Focus brings success. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Youre a sign who is known to be susceptible to emotional blackmail, but this week those who are thinking of trying are going to be sorely disappointed. Youve worked out what a certain persons game is. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You may know that you have no intention of honouring the promises you have recently made, but the person concerned does not. Letting them down sooner can save you a confrontation worth your while avoiding today. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You should at long last find the help that youve been seeking. To say you have been a little stressed this past month would be an understatement. Today proves it was all worth the effort. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A surge of energy comes over you as the planets hand you the ability to juggle a number of difficult and daunting tasks. Changes for the better in your money situation can help you to review your life. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) It would be in your interests today to remember the motto forewarned is forearmed. Doing your research and completing all that you had promised can see you with the upper hand financially and professionally. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Its been an unpredictable time for you recently. You are however enjoying great acceptance of who you are right now and this confidence is about to attract an important new figure into your life. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You may be surprised when you find out who has been spreading rumours about you, but you could well be better off to stay silent, and remember the saying, better the devil you know. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) A jealous mood could see you falling out with a friend who is feeling more confident than you at this time. Listening to their story today can show you that youre not that different after all. Saturday, October 01, 2011 The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. -- Sam Levenson <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along? <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between kidnapped and tortured and wins the lottery . Probably a little of both, I'd guess. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.

omeg · Oct 2, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 2nd October ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) This is a positive week if youre willing to make the first move in resolving any problematic situations. For a sign usually first in line for anything youve been adopting an extremely slow pace of late. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Youve been acting out of character recently, havent you my friend? Why not try talking about what and who is really on your mind lately. This is your day to find answers and closure if you do. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You make good ground on a work project which last week you could not seem to get off of the ground but which now finally starts to show signs of bringing you both success and notoriety. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Dont offer money that you dont have to those you want to impress, you will only regret it and feel the fool when you have to retract your proposal later. Truths earn you far more fans. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) A close one has taken a lot of courage to make the changes youve seen these past few weeks and it is only by you sticking by their side that youll see the very dramatic finale. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Many of your sign are thinking of making a change to their homes, as your need for a firmer base comes to the fore. At last youre doing what feels right, and not what looks right. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) There is no point in you saying you dont care about a monetary matter when your every movement and action is saying differently. Use tonight to talk things through in the mature way required. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Resist the temptation to pass on rumours this week. What is occurring is a case of Chinese whispers and if youre not careful youre going to end up being accused of starting such words. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Venus promises to bring drama and excitement to your life. No longer do you have to guess what is happening with personal issues but youll be able to see and know the right thing to do. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A decision you must make takes a lot of guts but if you think its the right one, go for it. Lifes too short for regrets. Be proud youve tried. Success is yours if you do. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youve got itchy feet but where to take them? Theres a lot of talk about your life but not a lot of action. This is due to the fact you no longer need to prove yourself. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You may not realise it but you will be spouting riddles. The moon puts you in the limelight and you can be sure this week will be an entertaining one to say the least. Sunday, October 02, 2011 I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease? <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new fresh tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will! <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You've been getting tired of the same old look , day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em! <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a horsepower is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realising it. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You look rediculous in that. Go and change. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Bad day to call someone a whiney gen-x cybercowboy . Tomorrow's better, for that one. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)...

omeg · Oct 3, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 3rd October ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) An opportunity awaits to try your hand at a new career. Go for your dreams. You are full of energy and anything you venture into is likely to prove a success, especially if it involves Sagittarians. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Let go of the monetary worries you are having and try to put your thoughts to ways of increasing your funds instead of worrying so much about what you don't have. Its the only way forward. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You know what they say my friend, trouble brings experience and experience brings wisdom. Shake off any worries and get on instead with enjoying the many new faces waiting to help you live life. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Librans know what to say to sweet talk you into their ideas, but careful if it involves your own funds, you may not get them back as soon as they say. Love links to texts coming. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont turn down the opportunity to sit down and talk to loved ones about where you see yourself in time to come. If they dont know then they cannot help you when the time comes. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) A family member puts pressure on you and for once you should stand your ground. The planets cast you in a gullible light. One which you must not bow down to, even when pushed. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You can be sure this is one month where youll find out who your real friends are. This is a good thing not bad though as events from today onwards are sure to prove. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) When we begin to take our failures too seriously it means that we are ceasing to be able to laugh at ourselves. Geminis hold the key to a secret you need to uncover. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Why not leave the people around you to deal with their own lives and get on with living yours; theres plenty of reason to. Clues to which youll see today if you pay attention. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Conversations you have with faces from your past around this time can help you tie up some important missing facts regarding what did or didnt really happen. Just ensure lying is not an option for you. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You should have enough energy to cope with anything that is put your way today. Someone you thought was your ally at work is putting up a wall of defence to the change you thought they wanted. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Your recent and current pressures see you speaking without thinking. Avoid meeting anyone face to face you think you may lose your temper with. A calm mind is essential if you are to gain the upper hand. Monday, October 03, 2011 Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, I'll never be hungry again! <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got lots of work to do . (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.) <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It will irritate you that nobody you meet any more has a normal name. Everyone is a Darius , or a Baxter , or a Kyle . Just to be ornery, you will change your name to Xnarp .

omeg · Oct 4, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 4th October ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Glad tidings in love come your way after dark throughout this week thanks to the lovely persuasion of Venus. What you want, you can get. All you have to do is decide exactly what that is. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Its going to be hard for you to get or give a straight answer to questions asked today Dont allow yourself to get stressed. Whatever setbacks youre faced with, you can make up for next week. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Making time for new faces can show you how big a place the world is and what youve been missing out on. The written word is more important than usual. Re read all texts and letters. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) The stars fill you full of doubt about a person who once meant the whole world to you. By digging deeper today, you will find out the reasons behind their surprise antics and recent words. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Someone appears to be playing a very mean game. They give you the impression that they want you and then they back off. Its time to raise the stakes. You know youre worth it, dont you? VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Your life is not the same as it was. You need to know though that youre a better and richer soul for the things you have gone through, so relish them. Dont be bitter about them. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You start to take stock of your life and work out where youve been and where youre going. Many of your sign will be making decisions which will completely alter your future, starting today. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Try to be a little more honest with yourself about what you want in life and where you are going. Your choices are far wider than you could imagine. Dare to dream. Anythings possible. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) New work projects beckon for you and you begin to get ideas which you had previously not considered an option. An invitation from a face from your past is set to make your week. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Make sure that you have all of the numbers you may need to call backed up as communication is not all it should be and you dont want to miss out on the appealing plans you had. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Deals you are making at this time may not be all they first seem. Make sure you get any offers in writing, or it could come back on you later. Seduction requires a white lie. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Geminis offer much fun and help you to get back into the life of a friend you have long missed having around. Dont spend money you dont have, the best options are free tonight. Tuesday, October 04, 2011 The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet. Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry. It's probably nothing. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an evil laugh and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) While attending a sance just for fun , you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocket ship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting Hark! however. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Uh oh. Bursting into song day , again. Your friends will avoid you. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places...

omeg · Oct 5, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 5th October ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Mars helps you to focus on a family issue which everyone else has been ignoring. Youve got your wise head on and people will be coming to talk to you about matters both minor and major. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Going out of your way for what you really want can help you to get back your self esteem. I know you went through a lot already this year but youve come out the other side. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Correspondence that you received last month should now start to take effect and much to your advantage too. Enjoying time with faces from the professional world opens up a new social scene for you. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Many of your sign will find themselves celebrating on this day, as something youve worked really hard towards has finally come to fruition. Dont tell tales on younger faces, it will come back on you. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You may find it hard to get rid of the visitors who seem intent on taking up your very valuable time. Dont flirt with a friends partner for fun; you could be flirting with disaster. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) What you thought to be a promise from a close one could in fact have turned out to be merely an idea. Dont waste your time; confirm facts to ensure you get the most constructive week. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) It will be very hard for anyone to pull the wool over your eyes. This gift of clear vision, which the stars are handing to you, could see you uncovering a story that will change lives. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You may not understand the actions that a family member is making over the coming days. In fact you may never understand them but you have at least been amused and educated. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You dont seem to be able to do any wrong, which also means youll be pushing colleagues to the limit with the things youll be trying to get away with. Phone calls bring good news tonight. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Youre about to be cast in the role of student. Dont be scared. This is what last years dramas have taught you to deal with. Youre a sponge for knowledge and success is imminent. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You must make a plan for yourself, so your energies lie only with your priorities, or you could end up ruining the hard work that September saw you do. Scorpios help you focus for success. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You should be in for a nice surprise as far as travel is concerned as someone invites you on a trip that you did not dream you would be making. Life and love start to become exciting. Wednesday, October 05, 2011 The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. -- Hubert Humphrey <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.) <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile! <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call Bubba-Bonics . <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote Hey nonny, nonny , in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon! <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know - those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.

omeg · Oct 6, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 6th October ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You can now do what you want, when you want. So why are you still thinking of the influence that put such chains on you? Confidence is the magic key to the next step forward. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) The real friends come to the fore. Your love life has enough activity in it to be attracting the attention of faces old and new. Be careful that you dont paint yourself in an easy light. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Love and hate came very close together for you in recent days. Give yourself time before you make a decision or it will feel like the wrong answer even if it is right. Tomorrow brings clarity. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You know; you cant help someone who doesnt want to help themselves. What you can do is give them your advice, which you have probably already done. And get on with your own life. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) If you dont think you are important enough to care about then why should others? Its time to give yourself a confidence boost and you can start by thinking again about the way youre dressing my friend! VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) It is only by planning for the future that you are going to feel confident enough to take the immediate and very exciting risks that the end of this month are set to bring your way. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont make fun of those who are not doing so well. You may have a more devastating effect on them than you think. Say positive things and watch them flower. Youll be glad you did. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) There are a lot of new faces popping up in your career and it appears from your chart that a little jealousy is emerging. Make friends not foes of them and you will find allies for life. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Names you know very well are becoming rather nervous about what you may do next. Take time out to think a little more deeply about the big decision you are currently faced with. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You claim to have moved on from a certain situation in your life and yet your words and actions appear to indicate otherwise. Slow down and take in your options. You have a choice, realise this! AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Someone is counting on you to get the work completed you promised, so make a start on it sooner rather than later please. By making the extra effort you can actually excel where youve previously failed. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Why are you allowing certain faces to use your money for their own? Come on, its time to stand up for yourself. Its the only way youll ever get that respect I know youre looking for. Thursday, October 06, 2011 He was all over the road, and I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn't I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok...actually, today you will have pizza. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Someone will give you a card, today. It'll be nice. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they? <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. Let's all just pretend there isn't one! , you'll say. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yucky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however.

omeg · Oct 7, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 7th October ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) The stars ensure that you have the kind of week you wont forget in a hurry. The events that are set to transpire over the coming days should prove a great memory for years to come. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont spend your time worrying about a work matter that is out of your control. Enjoy the time you have with your close ones, or they may think they are responsible for this concerned mood. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Its time you pushed for more; your close ones are more than willing to give it. This is a great day to talk intimately to close ones about how you see your life together working out. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Should you ring them if they have not called you? Not in this case no. You dont want to downplay yourself, as you surely know that they are the lucky ones, not the other way round. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) New friends offer new places to go. Life starts to feel more fulfilling. You start to get back to the character I know and love. Talk of marriage comes with gossip linking to an unlikely pairing. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Youre making friends in new places and your life is looking more full of opportunity than it has in years. A personal ambition meets with disapproval from family. Push through with it if its what you want. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You are due an apology. How they give it to you could well be different from what you had imagined. I would urge you to accept what is given; its taken more courage than you know. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Family and friends are deciding where your time and money will best be spent. Watch out for a younger face though who seems to have their own needs at heart more than your own. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Come on, lay your cards on the table, you may just be pleased with the results. By saying what you want, miracles can and will occur today. Go on, just give it a go and see. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Careless talk can cost you friendships. Take in all and not just some of the facts before you start telling tales. Besides, romance is where your energy is best spent, if you return that call. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Arguments find successful solutions if dealt with today. Your mind seems to be set on taking a certain action regarding a close one but please just make sure you have all the facts before you act. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Someone close to you has been using you for their needs but might not be willing to repay the debt now you need support. Bear this in mind when carrying out extra favours for friends today. Friday, October 07, 2011 The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one. -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's prep-something ? Ah! Preparation -something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me! <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to count your blessings. Both of them. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will read an oeuvre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under Florists, Reputable . <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that breathes . Or, in this case, wheezes. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between catches horrible disfiguring disease and loses everything in major earthquake . I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This is a good time to buy an electric bass guitar, and take lessons. You'll meet some interesting people that way. (Many more than if, for example, you were to buy an electric trout guitar.)

omeg · Oct 8, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 8th October ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) The Sun brings out your need to find out what is and is not possible in love. You may even ask for commitments you dont want, just to see if you can get them. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Current aspects indicate that one good blow out will be needed if you are to ever get back the passion which has been sacrificed for what you now see as a futile argument. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Dont give up on your work. A more interesting side to your career is set to open up thanks to a new face who can help you find the creative angle your sign yearns for. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Your need to play games in love recently has left you with a very large mess to clean up. Beware of telling more lies to cover those already spoken. It can only come back on you. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) The planets fill you with plenty of confidence and with the kind of offers you have falling at your feet it is going to be very difficult for you to get bored. Mischief however, is guaranteed. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) A close one wants more of your time and youre struggling to give it to them. At least make the time to explain what you are trying to achieve. Doing so can make a big difference. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You need to get out and blow off some steam. How youre going to do this without upsetting a close one seems a bit of a mystery. Stand tall; you deserve this freedom, dont you? SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Enjoying time with close ones you havent seen for a while proves to be good for the soul today. Youve needed to join past and present together for some time now. Today sees you do so. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You no longer seem to be too sure if you are coming or going as far as a certain relationship in your life is concerned. What you do know is you need to talk. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Your stars suggest you can cover up your mistakes in business by paying that money when it is due and new funds can be found by discussing existing contracts with the right faces this time. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Too many voices can be a bad thing but they can also be a good thing too sometimes. Cancerians have fun to offer you, careful how far you go if you just want to stay friends. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) This week the Sun pushes you to ask for things which you may not actually want once current dramatics have calmed down. Bear this in mind when making long-term commitments. Keep options open. Saturday, October 08, 2011 It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different gender, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will be watched by cats. It's nothing really worth worrying about, I'm sure. Did you know that you've started making little unconscious squeaks when you're concentrating on something? <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui? <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won't be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you'll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realize that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the centre of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire... <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.

omeg · Oct 10, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 10th October ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Youre faced with the chance to make a new timetable for your life and to tailor your day-to-day living better than ever before. Take advantage and dont be difficult just to rile outside influences. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Librans prove powerful allies in financial affairs throughout this month. You have been looking at what may have been, rather than what was but both today and tomorrow put you on the path for success. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Youd like more time to complete something. Just do what you can in the time provided, your love life may depend open it. Your efforts are what will be noticed most at this time. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)People who you used to think of as friends now seem to be showing themselves in a different light and you may even be thinking that they would make compatible love matches. Youd be right! LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)The time has come at last to call a truce on the arguments that you and a friend have been having. What the aspects indicate is a clear-cut case of two strong personalities clashing. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Its been a while since weve been able to see the real facts behind the dramas being played out but, thanks to Saturn, this is a week in which we can expect some honest answers. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Stand up for yourself or youll find yourself with a deflated ego as you discover that the person youd been hoping to see was at the place youd originally planned on spending your time. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)There are hidden messages being given, so this is one weekend where you can actually afford to read between the lines. Promises to family must be honoured. Why? Youre about to find out, my friend. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)There is a lot of competition evident in the workplace right now. You know this and yet you continue to show your hand. Careful, my friend, youre giving away more than you may realise. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)A messy planetary line up may convince you to tell lies. There are other alternatives to dilemmas. All you have to do is be willing to put some faith into a close one for a change. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)The Sun gives you the strength to deal with people you usually shy away from. If theres a confrontation thats been brewing this is actually the perfect week to have it. Successful solutions will be found. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)You look, and must feel, ten years younger now that youve moved on from a stale situation in your life. What do you do next? Start living and this time there are no limitations! Monday, October 10, 2011 While reading a textbook of chemistry, I came upon the statement 'nitric acid acts upon copper,' and I determined to see what this meant. Having located some nitric acid, I had only to learn what the words 'act upon' meant. In the interest of knowledge, I was even willing to sacrifice one of the few copper cents then in my possession. I put one of them on the table, opened a bottle labeled 'nitric acid,' poured some of the liquid on the copper, and prepared to make an observaction. But what was this wonderful thing which I beheld? The cent was already changed, and it was no small change either. A greenish-blue liquid foamed and fumed over the cent and over the table. The air became colored dark red. How could I stop this? I tried by picking the cent up and throwing it out the window. I learned another fact: nitric acid acts upon fingers. The pain led to another unpremeditated experiment. I drew my fingers across my trousers and discovered nitric acid acts upon trousers. That was the most impressive experiment I have ever performed. I tell of it even now with interest. It was a revelation to me. Plainly the only way to learn about such remarkable kinds of action is to see the results, to experiment, to work in the laboratory. Ira Remsen, author of a chem text published in 1901 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul. Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a squid fling. Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Beware the toilet plunger of Doom. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word plumbaginous in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyse you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinitely while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eye blink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbour's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You need to get more exercise, but can't tear yourself away from the computer. Do what I do: glue your keyboard to the ceiling, and get yourself a mini-trampoline!

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