Daily Horoscopes....

omeg · Jun 13, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 13th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) New flirtations make for a most interesting week indeed. Just make sure you know how far is too far to go or you could end up regretting your actions come Monday morning. Standards Aries! TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Check your accounts carefully. Aspects indicate you may be paying out more than you should. A good day to shape up your life and to get rid of the things that are no longer an asset. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Saturn offers you the structure to make your career a great one. Your sign is a driven one who can achieve anything they put their mind to. Geminis stand in the way of finances becoming good. Tackle them head on and win their support. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Youve changed, youve done a lot of growing up and plans that you make on this day should prove to your close ones how much more able you are to take charge when the need arises. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) The way you are living your life of late anyone would think you only have twenty-four hours left. Address whats really wrong and talk to that close one. Youll soon see your dreams were not that far apart after all. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Youre more than a little shocked about something, which you knew was going to happen. I think youre sadder than anything, but you shouldnt be. Events that have transpired were a blessing, reasons why become apparent tomorrow. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Give to every human being every right that you claim for yourself. You have spent too much time delegating this month and its time to show others that youre willing to be true to your words. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A face you did not think to be your ally is set to pleasantly surprise you. Life in fact is about to prove to you that nothing is what it seems and that good things are indeed worth fighting for. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) The recent sacrifices youve made for your loved ones seem to have gone unappreciated. Give them a little more time Taurus and they may just pleasantly surprise you. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You have your naughty head on and Mars is encouraging you to say and do things, which you may well regret tomorrow. You underestimate yourself. Great strides forward can be made with a positive frame of mind. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Your sign has a way of jumping into things too quickly but the funny thing is you can get away with this. The sheer confidence you project tells all around that you were built for success. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Not enough hours in the day to do all you need? Its time to call in a few favours. Your love life is more interesting and for the unattached its a great day for making new contacts. Monday, June 13, 2011 For your convenience, we recommend courteous efficient self-service. In an Hong Kong supermarket <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and walking it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble What? while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will discover a new 5th law of Thermodynamics. The first law says you can't win . The second law says you can't break even . The 5th law, however, says never draw to an inside straight . <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Someone will ask How are you? for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarrassingly intimate is usually best. Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing... <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will be mooned by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to fritter things away. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.

omeg · Jun 14, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 14th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Your career is set to take some really interesting changes. Dont be too quick to judge a new face in the workplace. They could just turn out to be the ally youve been looking for. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You cant seem to get a certain someone off of your mind. What you dont yet realise though is that you can afford to raise the stakes as you actually hold more aces than you know. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) It seems youre missing someone who is no longer around or a part of your life. Dont be sad but celebrate all that they taught you and brought to your life. There is much to look forward to, clues to which you receive tonight. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) There is tension in the air as you find yourself having to compete against someone you used to call a friend in the workplace. As long as you play the game in a way you can call fair then Im sure youll be happy with the outcome. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You are at long last, ready, willing and able to take life to the limit. Youre feeling excited because you know that something big is just around the corner. Tonight you get a clue of what that is. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Give a loved one some space today please. You may not realise it but you have been a little overbearing of late and an understanding attitude can help you find out what really went on recently. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Mind games are being played in love and for once youre not the one who started them. Try not to retaliate. Your best bet is to say nothing until you can be sure of what is fact and what is fiction. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) The Sun and Neptune will be encouraging you to do things, which are unlikely to be in your best interests and its important that you dont follow through on any impulsive ideas. Be careful Scorpio. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Your energy levels have gone down and this mainly seems to be due to the fact that you are not living life your way but by the demands of a close one. Get back your fight; you hold the knowledge to take you in the right direction. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Something, which you wanted but have given up on, is given a second chance by the stars. Dont give up on your dreams but push for them. What you want is no longer impossibility. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Study is under favourable influences and this would be a good time to look into courses, promotions and new contracts. Scorpios prove tricky to deal with but can be won over with charm and compliments. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Dont be too quick to judge a new face in your social circle. You of all people should know what its like to feel nervous. By showing support and acting in a constructive manner you could just make a friend for life. Tuesday, June 14, 2011 -- Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches? <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection Yo Mama By The River. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way! <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as Watson and say things like The game's afoot! . Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say To Friends, Old and New! )

omeg · Jun 15, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 15th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Close ones have been acting strangely towards you but this has a lot to do with the way you have been acting yourself of late. Try to be more open with loved ones, they can offer you crucial support for changes you now know are imminent. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont be jealous of a friend whose life is making some drastic changes. You have every reason to look forward to the future with a smile on your face. Its time to start living instead of existing. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) There is still time for fun this week, when the fine art of seduction, will be planned, carried out and thoroughly enjoyed by both parties involved! Watch out though, things turn serious. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) The places you visit at this time should give close ones a clear indication of where your interests lie, or rather with whom. The love sector of your chart is certainly making up for the slow start to the year you had. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Youre really in need of a break. If you dont plan some sort of a get away then you can be sure you and a close one will experience some sort of a confrontation. Cabin fever often makes you edgy. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Its a blessing that you have a good sense of humour. You are going to need it in business today. An idea that could improve your finances should be followed through. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) The full moon is sure to see some unnecessary arguments and its imperative that you dont allow yourself to get caught up in them. Time spent with a Scorpio can answer an important question. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A problem that has been developing between you and a loved one can be resolved today, if that is you are willing to meet them half way. Aquarians link to the solution you need regarding a financial problem. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Your love life starts to become confusing and you find yourself faced with an ultimatum of sorts. Only you can make the decision though so dont make the mistake of asking others to choose for you. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A face youve recently met has really made quite an impression on you. In fact, those who know you well would say youre falling. Go slow though, time is on your side and future prospects are favourable. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youre making friends in new places, and your life is offering you more opportunity than it has in years. A personal ambition meets disapproval from family. Push through with it, if its what you want. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Family dont seem to understand you recently. They think they have your best interests at heart because you havent told them how you really feel. The number two links to a career change favoured by the stars. Wednesday, June 15, 2011 I'm not afraid of work... I can even sleep beside it. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of Titanic II. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be The Screaming Weasels. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good time to consider capitalising on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say Ow! . That's when I usually say No pain, no gain. Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.

omeg · Jun 16, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 16th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) A change of pace is needed as recent changes that affected your life have thrown you off balance. The stars line up to ensure love wins the day and shocking but pleasing revelations come your way. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You must believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see today. To say many of the signs are being dramatic would be an understatement. Librans give you the facts, so much so youll have no choice but to act on them. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Trips that you take this week all link to a new future, which is calling out to you. No longer is your life predictable. Its exciting and events in love prove how very far youve come since last year. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Whenever you see a successful business, someone made a courageous decision. What you want takes guts and today is a perfect day to sit down and formulate a gameplan. This is the year you can and should go for what you really want. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Time is of the essence in love affairs. If theres something you know needs to be said, do it sooner rather than later please. Animals link to the person who knows what really happened last night. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) A drama you thought you had control in seems to be spiralling out of your hands. You can gain back the power to be in the driving seat if you tell the truth in financial affairs. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Make sure that you tell the truth today please as your every reaction is giving away more than you think. Doing so will ensure those who can help you gain the respect thats so important to them. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) There is no fool like an old fool and that is just how you must feel as you have allowed a face that you hold dear to take advantage of you and your finances yet again. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Family are on your mind more than usual and you may find yourself thinking of someone who is no longer around but was important to you. Just remember to celebrate them and remember them with joy. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) From today, you should be feeling far more positive and optimistic and youre likely to create or attract yourself to some pretty large family or social gathering, which offers news to both sock and please. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Although you are being given a lot of advice from friends and family, the words of wisdom that you receive today are actually very valid and poignant so take them and use them to your advantage. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) An interesting offer comes your way. Grab it with both hands, as it wont come round again. Confusion in the workplace could see you being landed with the blame for a mix up last week. Thursday, June 16, 2011 Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Leipzig elevator <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Dorothy Parker once said if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me. Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out... <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Someone will ask How are you? for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing... <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Office politics will be pretty intense for a while, and you'll have to be careful. Whenever you go to the water cooler, be sure to carry a flag of truce. Remember though: in the long term, a policy of appeasement almost never works. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) A lot of people still do spring cleaning , but only a few families have preserved the tradition of fall dirtying . Fortunately for you, your father always insists the old ways are better, and you'll get to have some fun.

omeg · Jun 17, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 17th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Dont let tricky aspects stop you from looking at whats going on in front of your eyes. Its going to be all too easy for you to look behind instead of in front of you. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Opportunities in love are all around. You just have to work out which is fun and which is serious. Family prove trying. Its time to admit you have no intention of honouring a promise you made. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You have a lot of hard work ahead but you dont seem to be too sure how much you have to do and how much others are willing to help you. If you dont ask you wont find out. Honest talking today wins you many supporters. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) A sense of humour is your key tool to have at your side in todays dramas and confrontations. Taking time out for a personal matter puts a large smile on your face, so dont deny yourself. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You no longer seem to be too sure if you are coming or going as far as a certain relationship in your life is concerned. What you do know is you need to talk. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) I wonder why it is that you have started to let people manipulate you Virgo? Is it because you feel you need to bow down to make them feel worthy of you? It better not be! LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Yours is the sign thats going to be walking around with a secret smile. You really will look like the cat that has got the cream and much pleasure can be found both emotionally and financially. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Its a time when you can make important breakthroughs of a personal nature. What you have to remember though, is to follow your own advice and not that of others. Youre the one living your life. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Make sure that you are not asking someone to change in ways that would no longer see them as the same individual. Real love requires some room for manoeuvre. Mars promises a surprise after 3pm. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Virgos and Geminis are likely to know the truth behind this weekends drama. Seek them out and remember to ask them a direct question if you want to get a direct answer. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Health signs improve and you begin to realise that there is much to be gained out of life for you at this time. Youve finally put the past behind you, as events both today and tomorrow will soon prove to you. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) A face you used to carry a torch for shows signs of interest in you. Careful though, go slow. Not until youre sure of what they want should you lay your heart on the line. Friday, June 17, 2011 Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. -- Fran Lebowitz <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will use the phrase hep-cat daddy-o one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will pass a sign that says invorp today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them. They are a silly people, the Dutch. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) So. You let your mole plants die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!? <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will notice an odd stone egg in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered egg in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry... <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will invent an automated diaper changing device that looks a bit like a large mechanical squid. Parents will love them, but you'll need to do plenty of advertising before passers-by stop rescuing babies and beating the crap out of the machines. (Literally

omeg · Jun 18, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 18th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Something, which you were about to give up on, finally shows signs of success today. You may have to lie to friends in order to make love your priority. Just dont over explain as you tend to do or youll give the game away. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Something you didnt think you wanted from life is offered to you and now seems rather appealing. I think you chose not to want certain things for fear you werent good enough. How wrong you were. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Someone you have always liked but who has never been free is about to surprise you with news of his or her arrival on the single scene. Dont act rashly; they need to know youre worth working for. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You find yourself on really good form today. Your relationship with the people in your family has improved vastly and you are all learning to live and let live and not a moment too soon either. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Do not get involved in any gossip, because if you do, youll be the one who gets the blame for starting it. You have been down this road before havent you? Focus on you, not others. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Dont keep worrying about the things, which you cant control. Just keep on motoring on in life and things will fall into shape. To upset yourself and others now can only be a setback. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Librans can help you close that deal the way you want it done. You must not accuse your close ones of doing things that you dont really have any proof of. It could be your downfall. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Travel brings you the relaxation you have been in need of. Although today is spent making the plans for this rather than carrying them out its sure to give you fresh inspiration. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You have so many decisions to make about your future that youre probably dizzy with how many thoughts are in your head. Time is your best friend so use it, as is a very knowledgeable Libran. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) This may not be a good time to overdo it as things become quite busy. The trend is toward the expansive. Putting your energy into growth is appropriate but try to make sure youre being realistic. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youre going to be offered the chance to go somewhere new, but youre not sure youve got the energy levels. You have, and youll be glad you did when you see how your day ends. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Travel is well starred and brings with it a new approach to the way you view your work. This is a really exciting time for you in fact Pisces as the sun brings powerful faces your way that can change your future. Saturday, June 18, 2011 To compose music, all you have to do is remember a tune that nobody else has thought of. Robert Schumann musician jokes <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will discover a new 5th law of Thermodynamics. The first law says you can't win. The second law says you can't break even. The 5th law, however, says never draw to an inside straight. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will discover a horror almost beyond imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call? <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a puka , which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, Giggles . <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to never look a gift horse in either end . <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.

omeg · Jun 19, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 19th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Aspects bring confusion to love, and you need to stop trying so hard to make that union work. Relationships should be, and are, a two way street. Sit back and see what they have to offer. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) A positive mental attitude is the key to you turning your life around. Remember, as I have said many times before, if you think you can, you will and if you think you cant, you wont. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Dont believe the rumours and gossip that are flying about concerning a close one. You need to focus on your original plan if you are to meet the deadline you have set for yourself. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Geminis will be trying to offer you alternative and appealing paths in life. Youve been looking at problems from the wrong angle but a fresh perspective taken today can hand you the aces you need. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) A face from the past comes to mind with the discovery of a lost item. Will you call this person or leave them as a memory? Depends on which friends are around to influence you! VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Take all conversations slowly if you want to know the whole story and not just half this week. A new admirers set to turn your world upside down. Get ready as dramatics and romance commence. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Your sign often finds answers from people they know well and what you can learn from this last month is how right you were to follow your instincts. Wear red for power in financial confrontations today. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Look successful and be successful! Its all in the attitude this week. There is nothing you want that you cannot get. Remember to be nice to everyone you meet. Hidden opportunities lie in unexpected places. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You have got some very serious thinking to do. You have upset several peoples lives with recent words, in particular your own. Think before you speak today, as its make or break time for a certain relationship. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Where there are friends there is wealth for no matter what happens to you, good friends help you to turn any problem into an opportunity. Dont be afraid to accept the help being offered. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Happy times link to an old face you know you should get back in contact with. Youre out of that slow spell now and life and love start to take on a whole new meaning. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Dont think badly of a close one for keeping a secret from you. Youre not always the easiest sign to talk to. Give them time to tell their side. Its sure to prove enlightening. Sunday, June 19, 2011 The great end of life is not knowledge but action. -- Thomas Henry Huxley <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught). <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- pinky -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they? <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down! <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a spaz attack , which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, nothing will play a very large part in your future. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where there is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you'll start a new rock group, named SPAM Catapult , and kick things off with a really smokin' number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, nothing will play a very large part in your future.

omeg · Jun 20, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 20th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Although you dont understand a close one you have to admit that their way of doing things does work. Your attitude towards a family member has to change or you will be landed with the blame for a recent setback. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) A loved one has said some things, which you know they dont mean. You have a choice Taurus, you can either act on it or let it pass. Just bear in mind that they may judge you with the same speed should situations ever reverse. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You no longer seem to get on with some one who you used to call a friend. Its clear from your stars that youve got an issue to resolve. Do this by talking to each other and not through friends or things will simply escalate. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Younger faces prove problematic and costly. You can get through today with ease if you listen and dont talk. All is not as it first seems. Time spent with Pisceans help you answer a question regarding your finances. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Progress in career and financial matters comes your way today. Past and present can mix together so successfully at last. Life is finally starting to shape up to your advantage. Enjoy it my friend! VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) This week you discover who your true friends are. You may be surprised when you find out though, as phone calls and texts are about to prove. Contracts and letters promise new careers and better finances. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You think you cant handle the drama affecting your life at the moment, but you are wrong. Put the next step into place that you know is necessary and youll see that no one can stop you. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Your career comes under the spotlight and you find yourself wondering whether you should make a sacrifice in the home in order to gain something in your work. You know the answer; you just have to admit it. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Youre very good at picking up things about people, when left to your own devices. But so-called friends have been planting seeds of doubt in your mind about a face that would actually be an asset. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You have said some things you dont mean but its not too late to take them back. Major events are about to shake up your life and events after 6pm GMT give you a firm idea of where theyre heading. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Arguments that you have with family at this time offer you the chance to put your side of the story across. Honest talking and understanding can help you all to find a happy medium on this day. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Youve changed and your needs have changed too. Its as if youve been taking a holiday so far this year. You havent really been living life. Now youve had a chance to take stock, this week sees you making a life changing decision. Monday, June 20, 2011 A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to fritter things away. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships? <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get stuck like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak! <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) E-coli. It's what's for dinner! <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that? <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone's office window. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.

omeg · Jun 21, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 21st June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Although you havent seen a certain face for a long time that doesnt mean that you havent been on each others minds. Its time to pick up where you left off and events that transpire between now and Monday change your future. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Certain faces have decided to part ways and you find yourself having to choose between friends. Careful you dont end up being the one left out in the cold. Say nothing until youve heard all sides. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) A change of scenery is whats needed for you. You may not realise it but youve got yourself into a bit of a rut lately. Freshen up your life and add back the sparkle; romance is waiting if you do. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Taking a break from the norm will do the world of good for you at this time Cancer. It seems as if routine is dragging you down. Time spent with your polar opposite Scorpio can help you see the lighter side of life. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Make a real effort to express how youre really feeling with your emotions at this time. Others are going to go out of their way to show you how much they appreciate it if you do. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) It seems as if a close one has had their nose put out of joint. Not only has your life taken a more successful turn than theirs but you did it with seemingly little effort. Show them support with todays dramatics and youll win a friend for life. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You are going to find it almost impossible not to flirt with a face you know is not free. Watch how far you take this dangerous behaviour though as youre missing out on the real deal. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Matters of the heart are highlighted, as you seem unsure who actually has sole possession of your emotions. This week would be better spent thinking of the future and who you want to be with. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) There is much you can do to help your close ones at this time. You may not realise it but youre a great listener. Showing your support during the difficult time that many of the other signs are experiencing will pay you back tenfold. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Work is sure to be taking its toll on you this week. Youve been trying to do so much and have refused to accept any help. A chance to blow off some steam tonight also sees you finding help in an unexpected source. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You dont seem to have enough hours in the day to do all that youd planned. You could however always try delegating? Ideas of moves need talking through with a close one. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You dont seem to be spending as much time with certain friends as you used to. What you have yet to learn though is that youve outgrown many faces in your life. You want more. Tuesday, June 21, 2011 There is more real pleasure to be gotten out of a malicious act, where your heart is in it, than out of thirty acts of a nobler sort. -- Mark Twain <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the Nighty Knight. You should be ashamed of yourself. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to get lots of water in plastic bottles, and shore up your other earthquake preparations. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure. Well, actually, maybe just a little to worry about. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say bad bush! in a loud stern tone. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscenti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Bad day to call someone a whiney gen-x cybercowboy . Tomorrow's better, for that one. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies dour . The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Time to start a new fashion trend. Look at it this way: there had to be a first person to wear a necktie, didn't there? Today, every western man has to wear one to dress well. You can almost certainly do better - you probably aren't a deranged masochist with choking fantasies! <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You'll have a brilliant idea, but nobody will take you seriously. You should be able to will them over with pure logic, however. There must be millions of bonsai enthusiasts out there - how many of them wouldn't want an itsy bitsy chainsaw? Maybe if you start off with the little teensy shovel and wheelbarrow?

omeg · Jun 22, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 22nd June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Dont think you know everything there is to know about romantic affairs. A certain person is about to pleasantly surprise you. Younger faces prove difficult to deal with unless you get the facts before and not after you see them. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You could be right, you could be wrong, but dont avoid it. Its not like you to stick your head in the sand Taurus. Facts that come to light on this day should encourage you to put an end to this silly drama, which has interfered with your life. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) I know you have the potential to live a great life but recent events have set you back and youre not too sure how to get going again. Events today offer you a new lease of life but require you to trust again. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You know, just because you love someone doesnt mean that you have to like them all the time too. If a close one has upset you then deal with it. By sweeping it under the carpet you will only be saving it for later! LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Its time for a change of pace with your work, before you begin to run yourself into the ground. Standing tall, asking for what you really want can in fact gain you the respect you crave. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) A friends partner is taking advantage of you but dont get upset and dont feel like a fool. Theres far more to be gained by biding your time and not allowing them to get to you. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) There are more than a few stories floating around about what did or didnt happen over the last few days and you seem to be the one at the centre of the questioning. Beware telling tales. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Sagittarians are trying to interest you in taking a different path in life. Taking a fresh look at things today could help you to choose the path thats right for you in the future. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You may well find that the planet Venus casts you in a new light and gives you the opportunity to impress the very faces you thought had given up on you. Dont waste this gift. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A certain relationship in your life is becoming more and more important to you. In fact its even beginning to influence the way that you plan your week. News of a change in a close ones life forces your hand. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Life is what you make it, so make yours count. Dont take advice from people whose lives you would not want for your own anyway. You following this belief can lead to miracles today. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Dont be the first to put down a new face in your circle. Others may say stronger words but yours is the opinion which will be remembered. Try the old adage that if you cant say something nice then do not say anything at all today. Wednesday, June 22, 2011 Carpe ovum - sieze the egg <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Angst day, today. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.) <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You've been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It's something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.) <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nose hair day. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a squid fling . Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant , except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with Ever . Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to sneak. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It's a good idea to take up a new hobby, if you want to make yourself a more interesting person at parties. In your case, I recommend welding.

omeg · Jun 23, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 23rd June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) This is likely to be one of those days when you do what you want when you want. Freedom is what you seek but just make sure you dont cross the line with a close one who has gone out of their way to support you recently. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) New friends you make in your career at this time hold the key to an all-important crossover you will eventually make. Remember new faces can also go a long way today towards you getting what you want. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) A problem in your career is weighing heavily on your mind and it seems that you cant enjoy your weekend properly until youve dealt with it. Aquarians hold the key to the answers you need. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Try to get as much work done as possible today. You can make great ground with your work, especially if it concerns important contracts or difficult people. Mars is, for once, offering you agility. Use it. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Why agree to something you know will make you unhappy. Its time to stand up for your self. Start as you mean to go on and raise those standards. There is a life waiting to be lived. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Love makes you say and do strange things later tonight and you may even find yourself asking for a commitment that had previously never appealed to you. Youre changing and close ones are noticing. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont say mean things to hurt a close one. Remember though, two wrongs dont make a right. News of an upcoming challenge in your career should be embraced not feared. You could do it in your sleep. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Every problem contains the seed of its own solution. You may think you dont have a way out of a current dilemma but you are wrong my friend, events and clues to which you will receive today. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Attitudes are more important than facts. Watch what you say today. You hold the power to make or break your future, especially when dealing with Pisceans. Keep your cool and think before you speak. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Enjoying time with close ones you havent seen for a while proves to be good for the soul today. Youve needed to join past and present together for some time now and today sees you do so. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You dont seem to want to take responsibility for a financial problem that has occurred, but it is not going to stay tucked away forever. The sooner you face it, the sooner you can move on. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Youre going through a series of changes professionally, and you may even be asked to take on a different set of responsibilities. The stars are in your favour though, so go forward with confidence. Thursday, June 23, 2011 I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know. -- Garry Shandling <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to sneak. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be fierce. You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action... <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called Goat Herding Made Easy . <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be fierce . You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action... <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection Yo Mama By The River . <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will accidentally overhear scientists telling each other jokes. Surprisingly, the one that starts So, a bilaterally symmetrical eumetazoan walks into a bar will be really funny. (I won't spoil it for you here.)

omeg · Jun 24, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 24th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Friends seem to be making plans without you and you may be finding it hard to know whether to confront them or ignore them. Fate has a surprise in the form of a face who at one time was very close to you. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) A diamond is a chunk of coal made good under pressure. You think youre ordinary but youre not. Dare to be different and excel and youll soon see a whole new world of opportunities open up to you. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Career signs are good and the stars suggest that you may even be thinking of ways you can push the boundaries in your career. People are listening when you speak so dont be afraid to ask for what you want my friend. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Jupiter offers you the confidence that has been missing from your life and allows you to understand why a close one has been acting so distant of late. Time spent with Geminis helps you to regain your sense of purpose. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) The current line up helps you to shake off any negative feelings youve been having about how you see your life with a close one. Youve finally looked at the facts and not listened to fiction. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Remember the past before you decide on the future. You have too much ahead of you to accept second best. Reading paperwork and e-mails through for a second time saves you money and your reputation. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont rush the new relationships in your life but slow your pace and enjoy the view. It makes a change for you to be on the receiving end of seduction for a change. Enjoy it. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Dont pretend to know about things you dont. Try learning skills you lack instead of pretending. Theres far more to be gained and you will be making the base for a stable and worry free future. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You don't seem to know how much cash you can afford to spend and if you are not careful you will find yourself running into the red unnecessarily. An old friend will be calling on you for favours but beware of getting caught up in a lie. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A new financial commitment is indicated which appears to be connected with the home. This may mean though you have to budget your money carefully but the end results should make it well worthwhile. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Romance is on your mind. Just dont let it interfere with the work a superior is asking of you. Dont ignore an older persons request, it wont take much effort and will save a lot of arguments. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Youre saying things you dont mean and I know youre going to regret them this time next week. Put your time into the research you know you need to do in the name of your career. Friday, June 24, 2011 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to fidget. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's How To Get Noticed. ) <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarrassing, but often clear up on their own. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Following up on your accidental observation of the sock dimension (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!

omeg · Jun 25, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 25th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Someone is trying to trick you and a gullible nature that the stars are placing over you is making it hard for you to tell the difference between friend and foe. Leos prove lucky in business, so seek them out. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Attractions that were merely to pass the time seem to be becoming more serious today. Never an easy sign to please you have to fall in love with someones brain as well as their beauty, which is precisely what youre about to do. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) A person who is usually a good influence on you is looking for trouble. Dont go along for the ride or you will regret it. A change of scenery for a while would be a good idea. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) A family argument will be trying its best to drag you into the middle. Stand your ground and try not to say things you know will cause upset. Certain peoples emotions are more fragile than you realise. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) If you can put your inhibitions to one side, then you can find several new friends who are sure to enhance your working and your personal life. Take chances and anything will be possible! VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You need to get out and blow off some steam. How youre going to do this without upsetting a close one seems a bit of a mystery. Stand tall; you deserve this freedom, dont you? LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Your love life is the talking point of friends and family. The stars place you in the spotlight, and Im sure youll make the right choices, and not give in to the emotional blackmail being bandied about. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Dont be influenced by Pisceans, who will be trying their hardest to make you follow their feelings and wishes. You have plans of your own, and must not be sidetracked when you have made such progress. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You find yourself in an array of roles today, as you have to act as counsellor to friends and leader to colleagues. However, taking time out to ask you what last weekend really meant is essential. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Dont confuse a physical attraction for a mental one, besides, you should know by now that you need both, in order to find true happiness. Run-ins with an ex gives you reason to smile to yourself. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Just because certain other people dont approve of what you want to do, or have done, does not make them automatically right and you wrong. Live and let live. Realise this sooner rather than later. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Disagreements and arguments you have on this day are for reasons other than the ones youre shouting about. Maybe if you tried talking about the real issue youd all get on a lot better? Saturday, June 25, 2011 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got lots of work to do. (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.) <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover a really cool technique of whistling through your nose. Oddly, nobody will be terribly enthusiastic about your new talent. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote Hey nonny, nonny , in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things taste like chicken. It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a bad hair day . <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to never look a gift horse in either end . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter Much bad juju , and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.

omeg · Jun 26, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 26th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Stop looking at life as if the glass is half empty! You have so much going for you and a positive attitude will make all the difference to love this evening. Come on, you know youre worth it, dont you? TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Someone is being mean to you and I can see from your chart that you are very easily manipulated at the moment. Take some time out today to tell yourself youre worth so much more. Power comes from within so find it. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) This is meant to be quite an exciting and eventful day. In fact its rewarding both emotionally and financially. Dont take what Aries say to heart; they dont know what theyre talking about. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You have let a lot of people down recently, and rather than deal with this fact and say sorry, youve acted as if is theyre in the wrong. Admitting your feelings in love solves this mood. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Mars offers you the freedom to do what you want when you want but just make sure you dont create any casualties on the way. A loved one is being mean to you. Set your standards now while you still have a voice. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You seem to be taking better care of yourself at last and this seems to be mainly due to the new interest that you are showing in a face in your life. You have back your confidence and life is about to get very interesting. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) The Sun brings out the need for changes you may not really want. Ensure you sleep on major decisions or you could find yourself spending the rest of the month trying to get out of them. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Theres every chance that you will cross paths with the very faces you are trying to avoid today. The best way to make sure this does not happen is actually by sticking to your original gameplan. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Be prepared to have to play second fiddle to a loved one, as work for many of the signs is taking priority. Events, forecast over the next few days, make up for a recent disappointment. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You are set to find yourself at the centre of attention, and if you have been waiting for someone to call, or for a certain person to ask you out, then you should be in for a pleasant surprise. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont try and guess the next move of a loved one. Why not be more honest with them and try working as a team. Its sure to prove much more of a successful solution. Travel leads to moves, as you will soon discover. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Realise that fear is never a reason for quitting; it is an excuse. I know youre worried but you dont have to be. The heavens will look after you and you already possess all the knowledge to succeed. Sunday, June 26, 2011 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? Happy Good! Me Like Happy! <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn't it? <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it Ze Bra. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You've been trying to sell your car, and it just isn't going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the Millennium Falcon . My passengers often become irritated at being called Chewie , though. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment I've never cared for those hairless cats . That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy... <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Bide your time, and don't do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.

omeg · Jun 27, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 27th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You have said things you didnt mean, so has the party concerned. Sort things out now before they spiral out of control. Your stubborn nature is not in full force and youre likely to find the outcome a most successful one. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Give urgent attention to the needs of an older person who has had a difficult time recently. They wont ask! Disregard the comments of a jealous neighbour or colleague, its pure jealousy. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. Come on you know you are worth more than your current setting is allowing. Stand tall and be the best you can be, even if it upsets a close one in the process. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Saturn helps you to tie up the loose ends, which made for such a tricky start to the month. Work you do on this day can earn you supporters in high places so make sure you do your best. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Go slow with all new relationships at this time please, or you will ruin what should be a seductive and enjoyable experience. Your need to rush has led you to dead ends before, hasnt it? VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Teaching comes under lucky influences, and if youre not learning something new, youll be telling others how to do it. A run in with a past friend gives you reason to return to an old hobby. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) It is all very well saying that you think you are right, but have you really sat down and thought about how the other persons feeling? Cast your mind back to your master plan. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) If money is your hope for independence, you will never have it. The only real security you can have in this world is knowledge, experience and ability. All three of which you can find in abundance if you follow your true dream. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You have been upset about something, which was not and is still not your fault. It may be time to speak up rather than staying silent it seems certain faces have been doing some very bad guesswork. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Travel is well starred but brings with it more than a few responsibilities for you. News of a face from your past gives you reason to think of times gone by. Geminis flirtations turn serious. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Certain friends seem to be testing the limits of your friendship. Youre not in the wrong. In fact youre very much in control today so dont be afraid of telling them how far is too far. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Dont take the bait when close ones try to goad you into giving an answer. You of all people should know what its like to have games played on you. Time is on your side so use it well. Monday, June 27, 2011 $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000, by which time it will be worth nothing. Lazarus Long <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will discover a little book called 1001 Names For Your Pet. You should probably name your next pet either Pope John Paul or No Clothes On. That way you can say things like Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again or I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as Watson and say things like The game's afoot!. Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will receive a Dear John letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't John . <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) This is a good time to start becoming a connoisseur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connoisseur overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was act like a dog day, you might have been better prepared. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today is an especially bad day to try something new involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where there is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.

Mben · Jun 28, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 28th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Things that have been said last night have done a lot of damage and you may spend most of today wondering what you can do with regards to damage limitation. Talk to Geminis who know what was really meant. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Overseas links are lucky for you, and bring offers of a better life. Don't spend money you might need, or you will end up missing out on what could have been the opportunity of a lifetime. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) The Sun brings out your charitable side and you find yourself doing favours for friends you wouldn't usually even consider. Watch out for a Leo taking your kindness too far, set limits mentally today please. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You don't seem to be happy with the way that a close one is treating you. What you have failed to notice so far is that you are allowing this to happen. Take charge before it's too late. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) What do you do when everybody else approves of someone you don't like? Bide your time is the answer. Let fate play out this drama and you will soon be the one that others are thanking. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Make sure you don't jump into any romantic situations tonight that you haven't had time to think about. The need for you to make an impression on those around can be achieved in many other ways. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) It is really important that you spend some of your time this weekend thinking about your career and also about education. It may be worth you taking a step back in order to take two forward. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Talking about your problems can be a great beginning to sorting them out. Ignoring them can lead nowhere. Today can and should prove that a problem shared is a problem halved. Time to speak out. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Family only want what's best for you, so try not to shout at them today. If you tell them how you really feel, then you're sure to see them change their tune. Support is waiting if you want it. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Don't get jealous if close ones are making plans, which don't involve you. You've taken a step back from your life recently and it's time to make you a priority again. Confidence leads to miracles today. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) There appears to be some rather tense atmospheres in the family and it is vital that you don't become piggy in the middle in a game which is not even anything to do with you. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You are far wiser than you think. Just look at the events so far this year and you'll see that you did the right thing with the dramatics, which have so far played out. Use this as courage to make the next move today's events demand.

Mben · Jun 29, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 29th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Your need to tell a loved one how you feel could see a few raised voices and some bruised egos today. Better out than in though I'm sure you'll agree. It's been making you ill not saying how you feel. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)You are likely to find yourself demonstrating leadership qualities, which will get you recognized by some really important faces. Don't let confidence turn into arrogance though! It really doesn't suit you. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Family prove hard to deal with and you may find yourself having to make up for something that a close one promised to do but didn't. Taking on board the advice of a Leo can solve financial worries. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)A fresh start to an old relationship requires a lot of trust and a lot of courage; both of which you have in abundance. Be nice to Leos they hold the key to a change you seek today. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Too much of a good thing my friend is not good for you. Why keep proving it? You appear to be almost at the end of a financial commitment. Trust your instincts when a newcomer enters your circle, they will not let you down today. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Mars brings drama and shows how unpredictable life is. You're in the driving seat from here on in. Don't be afraid to say what you want. Others are finally willing to give you what you want. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Don't make fun of those who are not doing so well, you may have a more devastating effect on them than you think. Say positive things and watch them flower, you'll be glad you did. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You may think it's a case of better the devil you know, but you would be far better to view what new options are available to you for your future. Aspects indicate you're aiming too low. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Someone you once thought a lot of has done something, which has shocked you. The coming days prove that there is far more for you to learn to the story than first meets the eye. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)You are going to be a pushover. Avoid those you know to be costly company, or you will not have the money needed to do all that is on offer for the rest of the month. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)This is a day of really exciting news for you. In fact you can be sure that this is a week, which has the power to turn your life around. Foreign names and places prove lucky for you so follow them up. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. You are stronger than you think and don't let anybody tell you different. A family matter comes to a head sooner than you thought. Remain calm and you remain in control.-- Edited by Mben on Wednesday 29th of June 2011 11:44:33 AM

omeg · Jun 30, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 30th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Only those who say they did not choose are the losers in the end. Its not like you to give up control but you have. Come on; get back in the driving seat while you still have the choice. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your efforts have gained much respect from your peers over the recent days. You can do wonders for your self-confidence this weekend, which gives you a special moral boost. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Both you and a loved one have said things you dont mean. In fact recently you are becoming a master at it. Make amends now and youll soon see theres far too much fun to be had to allow such dramatics to take centre stage. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) A lot of people are watching and waiting to see what you will do in the next chapter of the dramatic story your life has become. What they dont yet realise is that you hold all the aces. You finally know what you want. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) A change from your normal routine could see many of your sign taking charge in an area you are not usually experienced in. Friends prove their worth as they help you out of an unforeseen situation later tonight. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Every person that we meet is in a specific stage of their life. You may have passed this stage or not yet reached it. Judging others by your standards is not only unfair but wrong. Bear this in mind today please. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You need to get out and blow off some steam that much is clear. The only thing that is not is why. Take some time to get your head around what is going on. Answers are much clearer than you would think. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Dont get involved in the tittle-tattle and gossip that took recently. You know you need to be able to enjoy the coming days with a clear conscience, especially if you want romance to prevail. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont fuel the rumours about your love life or youre going to scare off the very person you have been trying to attract. A change to your routine should actually prove to be quite fun today. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) An unexpected drama requires some quick action on your part. What you have yet to realise is how talented you are at thinking on your feet. Trust in your instincts today, they will not let you down. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) An interesting letter or e mail that you receive is best kept to yourself until you can gage what kind of an effect it is going to have on those concerned. You may be wise to relent in a decision you are in dispute with. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You need to get away and blow off some steam. By not being allowed to be yourself you are making yourself ill. Be true to whom you are and make changes to the areas of your life you know arent working. Thursday, June 30, 2011 It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will be on the move , soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like Arrrr . <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up heads , tails , heads , heads . Then someone will come up and say hey, whatcha doing? Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage . The best reply to this is Huh? <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things taste like chicken . It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It's good that you're taking the whole waffle resurgence seriously. There's no reason to brag about your waffles per hour cooking capacity, however. (If you can't talk waffles per minute, nobody is likely to be very impressed.)

omeg · Jul 1, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 1st July ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Youre looking good and attracting a lot of attention and yet youre the only person who doesnt seem to recognise or acknowledge this fact. Making peace with a family member can ease your tension. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Todays new moon can help you to make sense of recent events. For a while there you didnt know where you were going or what you wanted, but you do now, dont you Taurus? GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) As the New Moon shows you the world is a good place to live, you start to realise who you need to distance yourself from to ensure so. A certain person is in for a big surprise! CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You dont care who you tell your secrets too, but you must try to place some limitations on your lifestyle at this time or you are going to end up with no finale to impress. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Teamwork in a family issue can help a younger person turn their life around. Dont belittle a new face you are set to meet at this time. They hold more power than you may first realise. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Many decisions are waiting to be made and you dont seem to know which way to go. Recent false starts in love have made you nervous. Dont be. What you want can now be yours. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Think about taking the quiet option so you have time to review your best option. It can sometimes be better to turn a blind eye or you could end up with deadwood on your hands. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) If you know a colleague has made a mistake youll find it hard not to tell them so. This outspoken nature is nothing new, but youre beginning to get yourself a reputation my friend. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) The revelations Jupiter is bringing should bring your life back into a pleasing perspective. In fact many of your sign are set to discover that you were actually aiming too low all this time. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) The stars are making many of the other signs a little selfish today and you need to be careful of risking all you have only recently acquired. Foreign countries are beckoning. Are you listening? AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youve really worked hard to get to where you are. If you intend to stay there then youre going to have to be a little selfish and leave a certain someone to mull over their own problems. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You have all of the love you need to make your life the best it can be. Travel is on your mind but just make sure you are not running away from any problems please. Friday, July 01, 2011 I want to say something, but I have nothing to say. So I'll keep my mouth shut. Alex Tan <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) As Buckaroo Banzai said, No matter where you go, there you are. Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.) <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a weapon of incredible range and power. You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.) <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good day to make as much goulash as possible. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you'll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you're part of a big family. Or at least, that's what you'll say. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you'll try the old goat in a box trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line

omeg · Jul 2, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 2nd July ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Today, work matters take precedence and you would be wise to make sure that you do your work yourself, rather than handing on your responsibilities to others. By maintaining control you can ensure success. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) A loved one seems to be going through a little bit of a personal crisis. This would all be very well if you did not have so much to cope with. A compromise is your answer. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Friendships are highlighted throughout this week and the stars should allow you to see a familiar face in a very interesting light indeed. This is where deeper relationships blossom from and life becomes fun again. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Youre often seen trying to change a situation that would be better left alone. Aries link to intriguing offers in business this week. Just make sure youre getting a fair cut of the rewards. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Someone wants to talk to you today. It seems that the dramas, which have unfolded over the last ten days, have left you with quite a mess to clean up. Remember to keep honesty to the fore. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You think youre being amusing, but others do not. Think about how your words are going to affect those around you. If you know something is going to cause hurt then keep it to yourself. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) If you accuse anyone of doing something enough times, then they may just go and do it to teach you a lesson. After all why not do the crime, if youre already doing the time. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) What goes around comes around. Your time for praise comes when the people you have been helping find themselves with no choice but to point to you as the source for the progress theyve been making. Ring me and Ill tell you a secret about your future. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont make promises to your loved ones that you know you have no intention of keeping. You are going to get yourself a reputation as a liar. Truths may hurt but will eventually lead to happiness. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Pisceans can offer you much support on a personal change that you should have made months ago. Venus lines up to put a past opportunity your way again. Think carefully, it could prove life changing. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Family is placing more than a few demands on you and you may find yourself tired as the last few weeks changes take their toll on you. As one door closes another is about to open. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Money, money, money is going to be at the forefront of your mind. Or rather, how you can get your hands on some immediately. Look at your own affairs and not others and youll find it. Saturday, July 02, 2011 Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. -- Truman Capote <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Bring extra. You'll need it. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to avoid pickled herring. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been blackened. Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be strictly bass . One must have standards, after all. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today will mark the first time you've ever actually wrestled a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Tiddly wink day. Make it count. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name Throckmorton . (The plant, not the office. Obviously, Throckmorton is a completely inappropriate name for an office. Wiggins is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?

omeg · Jul 3, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 3rd July ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Time to stop and take stock of your life my friend. You have been allowing others to control what you do. This is so out of character, and its time to take back control, my friend. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You need to invite the person you really want to spend your time with, before they get tired of waiting around. Saturn promises a better career if you admit what you really want. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Its going to be hard for you to stay out of office politics. Try, as someone you cannot afford to get on the wrong side of is going to be listening to every word you say. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Learn to be more patient where money matters are concerned. Theres an amount you still dont seem to have received, but read the small print, you werent supposed to get it on the date you say. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Work is obviously beginning to take its toll on you and you must try to find a way of winding down before the end of the week or you are not going to be in the mood to enjoy the seduction waiting. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Contacts from overseas make for an interesting day and allow you to indulge in the kind of partying and fun a sign such as you loves so much. Read your texts, and ensure you return them. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont get too angry if you find yourself getting taken advantage of in the workplace. You think youre not in control but you are. Events later on today will prove you hold all the aces. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A family member finally seems to be getting their life back on track, thanks to you. I know its taken a lot of energy out of your life this year. Today proves it was worth it. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) An ex lover or flirtation seems to be playing havoc with both your mind and your emotions. Move on. You were too good for them then and youre too good for them now, my friend. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Close ones are finding it rather hard to act naturally around you. You may be far better to take the initiative to meet up with them so they know theyre welcome rather than feeling theyre imposing. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You must not worry so much what other people think of you, especially when you are so close to acquiring a long held dream. People you meet right now offer you some excellent career prospects. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Stop keeping all of your feelings to yourself and work instead on communicating with your close ones today please. Its the only way youll get rid of the stress youve been harbouring of late. Sunday, July 03, 2011 Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offense <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You've heard that when economists use the word nice , they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is like, totally kewl. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to go around nudging people. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) It's ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office just to chat. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Seek out new life, and new civilisations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught). <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber ducky, you'll need to get that first, of course. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Someone will tell you that you run funny . Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.) <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Everyone's talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it's pretentious of you to talk about Bob Nostradamus , but who cares? They'll all die when the comet hits, anyway.

omeg · Jul 4, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 4th July ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) A fresh outlook to an old problem can help you find the solutions youre seeking. The stubborn frame of mind youve been in is passing, and opportunity can once again reign. Life begins again. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Astrology is the mirror image of life upon this earth using the patterning of the planets in the solar system. Therefore dont fight your feelings of love but give in to them; its your destiny. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Before agreeing to trips away, just make sure that you are fully aware of what things may cost. You dont want to throw money down the drain, not after last months complications, do you? CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Arguments with your loved ones must be sorted out, reasons for which become apparent today. Stop fighting your feelings and lay your cards on the table. Communication can and will bring you closer together. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont cry over spilt milk, but work on what new things can be achieved in your life. Youve learnt whats good for you and whats not. Use this knowledge, dont ignore it please, my friend. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You would go far to protect those that you love but there comes a time when you have to let close ones deal with their own problems and this appears to be one of those times. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) New friends start to take advantage of your kind nature. Careful, youve been down this road before. Make sure you set the standards sooner rather than later, before its too late to draw a line. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You cant help someone who cant help them selves. When are you going to learn this fact? Move on and think about yourself for once. The stars are backing you for the independence you need. Utilise them! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) People that you used to think of as friends now seem to be showing themselves in a different light and you are now thinking that they would make compatible love matches. Youd be right! CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Dont chase dreams of others, not when yours are so close to obtaining your own. Conversations with friends can reveal what really did or didnt happen last weekend. Beware lies coming from an Aries. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Try to keep in the good books of Pisces. They have the contacts required to open those all-important doors but they also know how to make you laugh as well so seek them out. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Use today to tie up a contractual matter once and for all. Try not to say things that you know are going to hurt a close one. Theres nothing worse than kicking someone when theyre down. Monday, July 04, 2011 I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and drove into the river. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie! <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will discover you have a certain flair for copywriting, and will pick up a little extra spending money by doing window signs for stores, such as Going Out Of Business. Waaaah! <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) The phrase return your tray tables to the upright and locked position will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.) <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) This will be a very musical day for you, today. Next time, try to remember the Beano(tm)? <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.

omeg · Jul 5, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 5th July ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Why is a close ones life your responsibility? It seems to me that certain faces are using emotional blackmail to get their own way. Stand up to them today and freedom can again be yours. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) It is time to make a commitment either way, but you know the right thing to do, dont you? Its time to let go of that ex. You know you deserve to be treated with respect. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) The new and improved view you seem to have of life is earning you many new admirers and your choices in love is now better than it has been in months or even years. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Stop worrying about the trouble youve been having with a project and get some help on it instead. Sometimes you are so stubborn it is silly. Not even you can know everything, so dont even try. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You usually take pride in what you do, usually that is. At this time however you dont seem to care what anyone thinks of you. Take some time out to think about your actions today please. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) What you are saying may prove far harder to take back than you first imagine. You could of course, always try talking to the person that is responsible for this irritable frame of mind? LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Information that came your way last week has led you to review your feelings towards a certain person. Dont be too hasty to part company from them though, but check out all the facts for yourself. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) It would appear that the story youll be hearing today has been given some colouring on its way to you. Dont give a reaction until youve taken some time to look into the finer details. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) The stars line up and bring creativity to your week. Its a great time to impress new faces. For once you can let the dramatics proceed. The planets cast you in a knowledgeable and star like light. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Listen to Mercurys educational pace, remember this week if you want a job doing well, do it yourself, no matter how much longer it may take. A compromise in love can offer you the upper hand. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Keep your wits about you in business this week. If you are doing your shopping or paying bills, double check that you are not paying more than you should for the items you require. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Just so that you know, you are capable of making a success of your situation. Its the power of negative thinking that is your worst enemy. Mars promises to reveal an important secret to you tonight. Tuesday, July 05, 2011 A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes. -- James Feibleman <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??) <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've traded down . <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.) <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book 101 Ways To Break The Ice : Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as YOU'RE Bill Smith??? Uh, yes Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you? What do you mean? Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Summer is almost over, and you know what that means: office supplies! Any reputable biologist will tell you that we humans have a powerful biological urge to buy office supplies when the weather turns cooler. Many societies disguise this by using the back to school euphemism. In your case, you should give in to your natural tendencies - fighting isn't healthy. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies dour . The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck.

omeg · Jul 6, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 6th July ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Try to show your family a little support instead of criticising them as you have been. Youll be amazed at what wonders it can work. Making phone calls at lunchtime can save you money and reputation. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) It is possible to back down every now and then and compromise will go a long way in your favour at this time. In fact it can benefit both your personal and your professional life today. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You start to take stock of your life and work out where youve been and where youre going. Many of your sign will be making decisions, which will completely alter your future, starting today. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Close ones think that they know whats best for you but you seem to have plans of your own, dont you? Better tell them sooner rather than later then, especially if you are expecting their support. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Be prepared, you wont be able to hold your news youve been keeping secret for much longer. Remember that structure is essential. Try to write down what you want to say before you say it. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) The time has come at last to call a truce to the arguments that you and a friend have been having. What the aspects indicate is a clear-cut case of two strong personalities clashing. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Your sign often finds change hard, but upcoming events require you to jump in at the deep end. Dont let your close ones down with the arrangements you have made. Someones relying on you. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Dont say things you dont mean to a loved one who have only tried to help and not hinder your career. Times are changing in work anyway as you are faced with an offer of a lifetime. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont doubt that a close one is in love with you. No one would be with a sign such as you if they didnt love him or her. Life is fun but it is also hard work and never boring! CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You light up a room just by walking into it, but inside I doubt if you feel the same way. Want to solve your problems? Then talk to the person on your mind, not their friends. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) The best gift that you can give to your close ones for recent support is the promise to ask their permission before you spread what is now becoming irresistible scandal. Beware of a Sagittarians lies today. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Try to take your time when filling in any forms today. If you are not careful you could be in danger of cutting important corners. Manners can open doors today, so use them accordingly. Wednesday, July 06, 2011 No matter where you go, there you are. -- Buckaroo Banzai <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd). <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) If you've been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You'll find more, and very interesting , uses for cocktail umbrellas today. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach Mo's Leather Emporium. Don't take it lightly. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called Rainy Daze. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for Clenched Buttocks as a band name. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under Music, Instruction and under Cavorting, Instruction. Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. It's not just for weddings any more, you'll say. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realized it already did... <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between catches horrible disfiguring disease and loses everything in major earthquake . I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

omeg · Jul 7, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 7th July ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Geminis link to great news you can hear in business and money you can make. Call the person who is on your mind. They have been waiting for you to get in contact with them. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont let confidence turn to arrogance; it cannot benefit you. You finally start to make arrangements for all and sundry so that you may make the changes, which have been on your mind recently. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Try to work as a team and you should find that you could tie up many important loose ends. People you think do not support you in business are about to prove otherwise with todays actions. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) As Jupiter the planet of self-expansion trines Pluto, you my friend, can get what you want when you want. Not to mention whom you want when you want! Dont waste this gift; get out there. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont belittle loved ones. You may well find that they do the same to you one day soon and just when you least expect it. Working as a team can bring amazing life changes this week. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Text messages link to offers of romances that are sure to be coming your way and are more compatible than you may first realise. Time to cut loose from that friend who is using you too. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Results or words you have been waiting to hear are making for quite a stressful period for you. You think youve guessed whats going to happen but let me assure you pleasant surprises wait. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Youre more settled with a situation in your life, which this time last week you felt was out of your control. This calm mind you now have, is the key to solving that financial issue too! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You and a loved one dont seem to be able to agree on a matter which is fast becoming one of the most important subjects on your agenda. The moon shows you a different perspective tonight. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Your complex character often sees you speaking without thinking but this is one week where it will pay you to be forthright. A lie you told comes back on you. Dont tell more to cover it. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) A new face in your life has more in common with you than you may think, as today will soon reveal. Taking your time in business today can earn you money and a good reputation. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) The Moon pushes you into arguments, which you simply cannot win. Be strong and resist the urge to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Sometimes it is better to lay low for a while. Thursday, July 07, 2011 Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occured to him to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths. -- Bertrand Russell <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it's what I do). <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will banish fear. It will stomp off in a huff. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the Bob invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places... <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Your next fortune cookie will say See? We told you it taste like chicken! <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) big , small , and clumsy . <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behaviour highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally snap out of it , you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.

omeg · Jul 8, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 8th July ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Let go of the monetary worries you are having and try to put your thoughts to ways of increasing your funds instead of worrying so much about what you don't have. Its the only way forward. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Youre a sign who is known to be susceptible to emotional blackmail, but this week those who are thinking of trying are going to be sorely disappointed. Youve worked out what a certain persons game is. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Information or gossip which came in to your possession last month will now pay off and events today and tomorrow are soon to prove both dramatic and great fun for you and your nearest and dearest. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Dont worry about arguments, which are transpiring in your love life at this time. You may think they are serious but they are simply the building blocks to make your base a more secure one. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Your love life comes under the spotlight and you get the chance to ask for what you want. Its been a while and so you may be out of practice but take full advantage. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You really do have mischief written all over your face and this would be a good time for you to make up with a family member, before you place a permanent distance between you. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) A project youve been working hard on still doesnt seem to be any nearer to completion. You may be feeling despondent but dont. There is much you can do to end this month on a high. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Use the energy the planets appear to have been making you nervous and edgy, into something productive. Then you will find you can tie up the work that you had been hoping to this week. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You should find yourself with plenty of excess energy to get yourself into trouble with. Mercury is getting ready to play some games. You just have to remember what and who you really want. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) There are far better ways of making your name in the business world than by telling tall stories, prove your worth by your work and not your words. Miracles can happen if you do. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Close ones seem to be giving you a hard time about something that actually wasnt even your fault. Dont shout but tell them calmly why you feel that what occurred was not your fault. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Without the experiences we have in our lives, we wouldnt be able to learn and grow. Its time to stop regretting what youve done and to start going for what you now know is for you. Friday, July 08, 2011 Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze cute. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record! <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing! <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice.

omeg · Jul 11, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 11th July ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You seem to be becoming rather attached to a friends new partner and it may be time to put some distance between you. It would appear youre confusing a physical attraction for a mental one. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Money may be a little strained as someone fails to honour a promise, so try to plan ahead and make some alternative arrangements if you know you want to do something special this week. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Someone youve not seen in a long time but who once proved a very successful business contact is back on the scene and is going to be seeking you out. Its the beginning of exciting times. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Make sure you dont shut out the current faces you are doing business with or you could rock the boat and ruin the very good base you have spent the last month building. Communication is everything. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Try to play fair in love. Theres so much more to be gained by speaking from the heart today. Life is waiting to be lived. All you have to do is admit how you really feel. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You seem to be determined to annoy the people around you today and if someone says black then you will say white. You could of course admit what and who is really on your mind? LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Scorpios are of a special significance in your life and should be responsible for the exciting air around you. What you want is changing and conversations you have today, should definitely confirm this fact. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Dont be in too much of a hurry to accept invitations from people you know you would only be settling for. Accept nothing but the best; a certain person may just come sooner than you think. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Give in to a loved one and do what they want tonight. You may just find yourself having fun, especially if you have to travel out your way. Sacrifices come with gratitude, as youll soon discover. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Dont be too quick to accuse close ones of things they may not have done. Youve heard the saying if the cap fits. Listen today, if you want to know what really has taken place. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Your life has gone through so many changes recently, thats its no surprise youre feeling unsettled. Your pace is slowing and youre about to learn you can finally work as part of a team. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Mars makes it hard for you to put down the roots you want to. Try talking to a close one about how you feel. Their reaction is sure to do much to put you at ease

omeg · Jul 12, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 12th July ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Stress is evident in the family sector of your chart and youd be wise to take time out of your week to do something with those you love. Regrouping can help you all find your faith again. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Jealousy is never a nice trait to show. There does not need to be a competition so back down and try to focus on the positive. Great things can be achieved if you do. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You would be far better to avoid making any major outlays. You may not be getting the best deal and youd be better to shop around so you can see just what else is available. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Those of you still waiting for that phone call should be in for a pleasant surprise. Just be sure to be yourself and avoid putting on any sort of an act. Its you wholl win them over. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You should be able to use today to have the talks you have been in need of and you should reach tomorrow a far more contented person. Wear yellow for luck in that family issue pending. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You and a loved one just cant seem to see eye to eye. Keep out of each others way for a little while so that there is time to let the dust settle. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont be too rude when trying to put a close one off a visit, you have much that you need to talk about and indeed celebrate. Youre about to discover that they got what they wanted. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You enjoy a good argument as much as anyone but even you must admit its wearing a little thin now. You know you need to meet them in the middle. Todays the day to do so. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont allow close ones to talk you into leaving your work early today or colleagues into pushing work to one side. Mars can, and will untie anything that you have not made time to fully complete. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Youre so close to making a magnificent job and you must make a concerted effort to finish on the high you had dreamt of. You can do this by consulting the professionals not the amateurs today. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Mix-ups in the workplace are making it hard for you to know where you stand. Mercury is having his fun but youll gain the upper hand by riding the changes, not fighting them for success. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Superiors are going to be just as confused as you, and you can do no good for yourself by pushing already delicate matters. The planets are slowing us down this week; work as a team to bring success. Tuesday, July 12, 2011 An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. -- John Buchan <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid kajoobies or shvontz like the plague. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today! <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags... <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to shuffle your feet. Remember: it's OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze cute . <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry, though. It's probably nothing. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called Rainy Daze . You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for Clenched Buttocks as a band name. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. If you can figure out what kind of hat to wear, that is. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You'll find that is particularly true, this week.

omeg · Jul 13, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 13th July ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) If you are thinking of making a stand with a loved one today then dont. Compromise and indeed bowing down to their needs, can for once pay off in your favour short term and long term. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You may feel as if you are getting no thanks for your hard work but you can rest assured that your rewards will come soon enough, both financially and professionally my friend. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Money may prove hard to find and you may want to think up an alternative arrangement for this evening so you can spend time with the person you just cant get off of your mind. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Too much time spent worrying about how a relationship will work out is using up your valuable time. Stop dreaming and start living. There comes a point where you have to feel as well as think. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Family only want whats best for you, so try not to shout at them today. If you tell them how you really feel then youre sure to see them change their tune. Support is waiting, if you want it. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Put any ideas that you are having at this time on to paper so you can take proper action when this crazy spell has passed. Mercury is sending mixed signals so dont place unfair pressures on your self. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont let a close one talk about a past mistake too often. You need to both agree to move on or what is the point? Not only they, but you also have to realise this fact. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Youre missing all the fun and a certain person isnt going to be offering an apology twice. Either accept it and get on with your life together or move on. But either way, its decision time. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Two of your priorities are now firmly placing you in a very good mood. If you dont feel so positive then deal with the drama which last week unveiled. You have the power to resolve anything. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You really do seem to think life is a race, but if you dont stop and enjoy the view every now and then, what is the use of the many sacrifices that you have had to make? AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You may find it hard not to have to pay for those around you. Its just that you are such a sociable sign that you dont like to leave too long a silence before stepping in. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Youre finding it hard to think straight at this time with the very difficult air that has built up between you and your family. Show youre the bigger person and offer a hand of peace today. Wednesday, July 13, 2011 Save the whales. Collect the whole set. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- Growing Radishes Indoors. It's an idea whose time has come. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say live and let live. But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say live and let die. Or something. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as launch codes , who's been naughty , or Snerge. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it Life In The Details. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Focus on financial issues today. It's OK to keep putting your money in your mattress, but you might want to switch to paper money. (It's less jingley.) <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with muzac in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting nick knacks . <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You'll be asked to knock it off.

omeg · Jul 13, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 13th July ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) If you are thinking of making a stand with a loved one today then dont. Compromise and indeed bowing down to their needs, can for once pay off in your favour short term and long term. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You may feel as if you are getting no thanks for your hard work but you can rest assured that your rewards will come soon enough, both financially and professionally my friend. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Money may prove hard to find and you may want to think up an alternative arrangement for this evening so you can spend time with the person you just cant get off of your mind. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Too much time spent worrying about how a relationship will work out is using up your valuable time. Stop dreaming and start living. There comes a point where you have to feel as well as think. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Family only want whats best for you, so try not to shout at them today. If you tell them how you really feel then youre sure to see them change their tune. Support is waiting, if you want it. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Put any ideas that you are having at this time on to paper so you can take proper action when this crazy spell has passed. Mercury is sending mixed signals so dont place unfair pressures on your self. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont let a close one talk about a past mistake too often. You need to both agree to move on or what is the point? Not only they, but you also have to realise this fact. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Youre missing all the fun and a certain person isnt going to be offering an apology twice. Either accept it and get on with your life together or move on. But either way, its decision time. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Two of your priorities are now firmly placing you in a very good mood. If you dont feel so positive then deal with the drama which last week unveiled. You have the power to resolve anything. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You really do seem to think life is a race, but if you dont stop and enjoy the view every now and then, what is the use of the many sacrifices that you have had to make? AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You may find it hard not to have to pay for those around you. Its just that you are such a sociable sign that you dont like to leave too long a silence before stepping in. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Youre finding it hard to think straight at this time with the very difficult air that has built up between you and your family. Show youre the bigger person and offer a hand of peace today. Wednesday, July 13, 2011 Save the whales. Collect the whole set. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- Growing Radishes Indoors. It's an idea whose time has come. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say live and let live. But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say live and let die. Or something. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as launch codes , who's been naughty , or Snerge. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it Life In The Details. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Focus on financial issues today. It's OK to keep putting your money in your mattress, but you might want to switch to paper money. (It's less jingley.) <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with muzac in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting nick knacks . <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You'll be asked to knock it off.

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