Daily Horoscopes....

omeg · Apr 9, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 9th April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Your stars give you plenty of reason to smile about life as fresh ideas make it possible for you to finally get rid of the emotional restraints, which made for such a heavy mind of late. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Youre known for the trouble you can cause but you dont seem to be in the mood for that today. There are affairs of the heart you know you have to tie up once and for all. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) The stars are lining up to bring success your way and everything you thought to have come to a standstill should at last show signs of progression. Leos hold a newfound fascination for you! CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Your love life really is creating a lot of attention at the moment. Dont say that you havent noticed, I bet you secretly love it, dont you? Virgos have a secret you need to uncover. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont be too rude when trying to put a close one off of a visit, you have much that you need to talk about and indeed celebrate. Youre about to discover that they got what they wanted. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) The current line up is making it very hard not for you to share information with friends, which is not even yours to talk about. Careful though, remember what they say about glasshouses. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont feel down if you havent heard from whoever is on your mind. Not everyones on your fast time clock. Its taking them a little longer to adapt to what will be a life-changing situation. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Venus is allowing you to dream about a future, which last year was not even a possibility, but this year is looking more and more like fate. Youve changed and the success approaching proves so. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Honesty in love can pay back dividends. Lay your heart on the line and say how you really feel. Its the only way you stand a chance of getting who you want, how you want them. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Monetary matters come under strain as close ones decide to spend your money like it grows on trees. Communication you make with them over this today can help you to get through to them successfully. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Emotional matters appear to be far happier than they have in some time and you should start to see a much more relaxed and enjoyable attitude in the home. Youre finally turning that corner. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Mercury the planet of communication is pushing you to do things youre not really ready for and you need to be careful that you are not offering commitments that you are not yet capable of giving. Saturday, April 09, 2011 I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. -- Douglas Adams <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don't know and I don't care. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will join the political action group Whiners For Peace , and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big Pout Out next month! <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Beware of celery. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) This might be a good time to consider night school. That's night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper mach animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed? <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You'll accidentally eat one of those fried Szechwan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS?? <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) As a public service, you will start a new company in your spare time, to help people who have been in accidents. All you will do is send official-looking letters off to their mothers, claiming that the condition of their underwear was excellent at the time of the accident, as determined by qualified emergency medical professionals. As you know, mothers are often quite worried about underwear. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them.

omeg · Apr 10, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 10th April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)A new face in your social circle is the cause of much controversy and if you play your cards right tonight, youll just find out why. Youre about to find out youre involved in some way. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Unless you start to show a younger person some trust they are not going to give you results you are seeking. Nobody likes to be watched as closely as you are, so give that person a break! GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)The best way to stay on good terms with a friend is not to get involved in financial deals with them. The moon is trying to convince you otherwise. Dont be manipulated, please. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)You seem to be doing a very good job of telling tales on your friends but you wouldnt like it so much if they did the same to you would you? Live and let live and dont judge people! LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)You should be able to use today to have the talks you have been in need of and you should welcome tomorrow as a far more contented person. Wear blue for luck in that family issue pending. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)The coming weeks see you entering a period of your life, which you have previously never even dared dream could be a possibility. Get ready for major announcements and an important change of heart too. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Someone is counting on you to get the work you promised completed, so make a start on it sooner rather than later please. By making the extra effort, you can actually excel where youve previously failed. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Remember to take things nice and slowly or you could miss out on the best bits on offer this week! Youve been wearing blinkers and its time you took a look at the bigger picture. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Make peace with that family member so that your close ones can enjoy the coming weeks with a relaxed mind. Love matches can be found by meeting up with a friend from your past. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Your ability to plan for events that others would even dare think about pays off. You are about to be presented with the offer of a lifetime and the finances that go with it arent bad either. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Dont let down a friend, they need to tell you some important news regarding your personal life. Relax though, its good and not bad gossip my friend, as youll discover sooner than you think. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Structured Saturn helps you to make up for the lost time which last month saw you having to endure. What was impossible is now possible, so make the effort to succeed where before you failed. Sunday, April 10, 2011 When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nailAbraham Maslow <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it's good to make them feel special once in a while. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You'll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Try to avoid calling anyone a vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert , today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I've discovered.) <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches? <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don't ask me. I just see the future, I don't explain it. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone booger-face . <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Your path divides soon. On the one hand lies potato salad, followed by severe pain, thrashing about, seizures, and a horrible death. On the other hand lies Cole slaw. It's a pity that you don't like Cole slaw.

omeg · Apr 11, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 11th April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You dont seem to understand any of the emotions youre feeling and this is mainly due to the fact that you have not given yourself any time to focus on the important things in your life. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) A new face in your life has more in common with you than you may think, as today will soon reveal. Taking your time in business today can earn you money and a good reputation. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Jealousy is never a nice trait to show Gemini. There does not need to be a competition, so back down and try to focus on the positive. Great things can be achieved if you do. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Your sign is very good at sorting other peoples problems out but have you ever thought about using this asset yourself? The chance to do so can be made possible by joining forces with a Gemini. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) It is time to make a commitment either way, but you know the right thing to do, dont you? Its time to let go of that ex who has been on your mind. You know you deserve to be treated with respect. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) This is your time to stand up for what you want; especially as aspects indicate youre going to get it. You can work and play with the energy your stars are giving you right now. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) A new is emerging. Your tastes in many things are changing. Youre about to start living life again and not a moment too soon. Be nice to Scorpios, they know the truth behind last weeks gossip. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Disappointment in the work circle may prompt you to start thinking strongly about making changes. Dont be in too much of a hurry until youve seen what todays events are set to teach you. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Try to be careful what you say to faces that are going to be taking any flirtatious words more literally than you may first think. Keeping your standards high can ensure you maintain their interest. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) There has to be a better way of getting to know the person you like other than going through friends. Try talking to them directly instead? Its sure to get you what you want far quicker. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) A lot of offers are about to come your way; Venus casts an irresistible light upon you. If there is someone you have wanted to attract then this is the time they will most notice you. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You wont always see eye to eye with family. However you will always know when its your turn to back down so dont play the fool but use today to say what needs to be said. Monday, April 11, 2011 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. -- Woody Allen <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and walking it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you? <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things taste like chicken . It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say To Friends, Old and New! ) <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good time to become involved in a secret plot to overthrow someone or something. Personally, I think your best bet is to start small. You can pick up some tips in Overthrowing Things For Fun And Profit by Kwan No, M.D., Ph.D. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Soon you will gain experience with the miracle of birth. It will be somehow associated with the miracle of elevators, and probably also to the miracle of screaming. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You should learn something from your cat -- no matter what you've done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.

omeg · Apr 12, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 12th April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You are finally starting to mix with the kind of people that you really like. Life and love are looking good, so enjoy. Youd be smiling even more if you re-read your text messages. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont be frightened to get involved in something that you have tried once before in the past. Just because it did not work then does not mean it will not work now, I assure you. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Money is going to have to be looked at from a more mature point of view, as things are really not as straightforward as you had hoped. Solutions can be found by facing things head on. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) A close one has had to handle more than a few dramas recently. They know how much you care, but they could do with you spending a little more time in the home this week. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Someone you thought a lot of has let you down by telling a secret, which wasnt theirs to share. Dont be upset, you may not see it now, but time proves theyve done you a favour. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You and your family are about to face major changes but you should find that they are all going to be in your best interests in the long run. The tricky part is a professional contact. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Taking risky chances in love will seem like the most natural thing in the world to you recently. Careful though my friend, a slow pace is sure to prove far more lasting in the long run. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) The little things that you say to your close ones are counting for more than you can imagine so think before you speak. Your relationship with them over the coming month depends on it. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) News that friends will be announcing regarding their personal lives could push you to make changes, which you are not ready for. Sleep on all major decisions; theyre likely to be longer term than you think. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Try to use the constructive power of the stars today to get back your confidence in the workplace. Certain events that have taken place recently have taken away some of that steadfast attitude unnecessarily. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) This is a great day to call that face youve been thinking about but avoiding contacting. Their reaction to hearing from you is sure to be better than youd dreamed. Wear mauve for power in seduction. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) New avenues are opening up, which can help you to obtain goals which last year you were ready to give up on. All you have to do is give a reaction to those offering to help. Tuesday, April 12, 2011 Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You may even go so far as to send a letter to Miss Manners, which begins: Uh, Yo: (Well, that's how Sylvester Stallone starts all his correspondence, right?) <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce sir as sair , you can answer a lot of questions with either yes air or nose hair. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You, for one, have just about had it with all this Globalization. Time to go on a diet! <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will be struck by the notion that Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive . You have a mind of great depth and profundity. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a loan piranha , at first.

omeg · Apr 13, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 13th April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Youre such a dramatic sign that you do have a tendency to overanalyze things. Make this a day one on which you let others come to you. Its the key to you gaining your confidence. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Not one project but several will show signs of being tied up and you will finally feel in the mood to answer that phone that is certain to have been ringing off the hook of late. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)This is a day which could well see you lagging behind in your work, if that is you allow yourself to be misled by the water signs in the zodiac which are Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)You think that your recent actions to support a close one have gone unnoticed. You are wrong, and conversations you have tonight will show how very far you have both come with your relationship. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Youre a sign who is known to be susceptible to emotional blackmail, but this week those who are thinking of trying are going to be sorely disappointed. Youve worked out what a certain persons game is. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)The younger generation are going to become a more prominent part of your life over the coming days and you find yourself feeling younger than before as you start to view life from a fresh angle. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Your love planet Venus will ensure that you hold the power of seduction. Just make sure you use it on the right person and not the wrong one this time please, dont you agree. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Someone is missing you and wants to spend more time with you. Dont you understand that this is the reason theyre being so funny with you. Meet them halfway. Its the key to your reunion. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)You need to see someone before you can relax and enjoy this dramatic week with a clear conscience. Start with that text or phone call and its sure to be a step in the right direction. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)You may be more than a little tempted to cancel some travel plans you had made, but please dont. A little fun and relaxation should actually turn out to be just what the doctor ordered right now. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Arguments, which you decide to get into on this day, may not be as easy to patch up as you first think. Remember this when coming face to face with characters as strong as yourself today. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)There is much gossip for you to enjoy, but first you must sort out your own tangled web my friend. Dont judge others before youve set your own dramas back on the right path. Wednesday, April 13, 2011 Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevailent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that? <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with muzac in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting nick nacks. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as Watson and say things like The game's afoot! . Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.

omeg · Apr 14, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 14th April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You seem to be finding it hard to get a work matter off of your mind. Keep trying as the stars suggest that youve got more than a little to celebrate and sooner than you think my friend. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) The morning hours should see you sorting out a domestic problem, which you were beginning to think you would never see the end of. Life begins to feel good again Taurus. About time too! GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You dont have to look on the worst side of a problem but you do like to review all of your options. However, an optimistic approach is the key to turning events around in your favour. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Virgos link to exciting new business deals which are forecast for you. Theres a lot of pressure to sort out a matter that youre not really educated in. It will pay to go the professional route. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) New developments in your work should slowly but surely make it easier for you to shape your week, as you desire. Take advantage so that you can finally plan your week, as you desire. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Legal matters and paperwork come to the fore but dont worry as they should go in your favour and should provide you with the back up you have needed to deal with a very sensitive issue. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont mistake a pretty face for a perfect match, when a mixed mind may well be getting in the way of common sense. You need to blow off steam. Talking to friends can achieve this. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Jealousys never a nice trait, especially when its within a family as this close link can make you all untouchable. Make the effort to hold those peace talks tonight please. Success is yours if you do. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Your sign often finds answers from people they know well, and what you can learn from this last month is how right you were to follow your instincts. Wear red for power in financial confrontations today. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Someone youve not seen in a long time but who once proved a very successful business contact, is back on the scene and is going to be seeking you out. Its the beginning of exciting times. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont turn down the opportunity to sit down and talk to superiors about where you see yourself in time to come. If they dont know, then they cannot help you when the time comes. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Youve been thinking too deeply about a problem, which is far easier than you think to solve. Back off so that you can look at the bigger picture. Problems can in fact turn into an asset. Thursday, April 14, 2011 Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk. -- Steven King, 3/8/90 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it... <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Dorothy Parker once said if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me. Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection Yo Mama By The River. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS?? <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Not a good time to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, what's this sudden egg thing about, anyway? Perhaps you should see someone. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, Giggles . <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?

omeg · Apr 15, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 15th April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Why have you still fallen out with a family member? Dont you think its time you put your life into order with them. Come on, you know youll both feel far better if you do. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Careful that the words you say are not taken the wrong way by close ones. An air of harshness in your tone may make loved ones think that you dont care. But you do, dont you? GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) The home is going to be at the forefront of your mind and you may even be thinking of moving home. Make sure you look at all of the options. Time to take those blinkers off. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Now is the time to start throwing out the things that even without your signs natural gift of insight, you know are only of a hindrance and not of a help to you. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You dont really know how to handle the way that a close one has been behaving towards you, but the best thing you can do is to sit down and talk to them face to face. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Youre taking longer than a close one had hoped to make a decision that should have been fairly straightforward. You may want to let them know how you are feeling. Its sure to calm their nerves. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Uranus should have made for a really productive week for you. Your relationships with your close ones also seem to be improving as they learn to let a sign such as you do things your way. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Venus, the planet of love makes game playing the norm and honesty impossible. Try not to make promises you have no intention of keeping, or it will only come back on you tomorrow. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Beware of an immature mood doing damage to your reputation. Youve so much more to offer and you must try to think before you speak my friend. Could it be that youre hiding your true feelings? CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Your love life is getting more and more confusing by the day, but luckily for you there is a touch of humour about all that is occurring. Dont let down a friend that you know is relying on you this week. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Make sure that you double check your shopping list as surprise visitors will make it imperative for you to be well prepared for the unpredictable. Geminis link to confessions youll hear around this time. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Flirtations in the workplace could jeopardise all of the hard work you have put into your career recently. Try to keep all such rendezvous for outside the office; youll know why very soon my friend. Friday, April 15, 2011 Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. -- Bill Watterson, cartoonist <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt). <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will discover a horror almost beyond imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call? <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies dour . The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered egg in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry... <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) A lot of people still do spring cleaning , but only a few families have preserved the tradition of fall dirtying . Fortunately for you, your father always insists the old ways are better, and you'll get to have some fun. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) They say that a dog is a man's best friend. Oddly, that's only true in some European-derived cultures. In sub-Saharan Africa, for example, man's best friend is a blue-tongued skink. They just have a heck of a lot more trouble fetching the paper. You may find your own type of best friend, soon

omeg · Apr 16, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 16th April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You rams are really hard to work out at times, but I know you well enough to say that youve fallen harder than you were willing to admit to others. Make that call, you know you should. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) This is a good time to take relationships to the next level as not only are you ready for changes but youre also ready for commitments that previously you would not have thought twice about accepting. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You dont seem to know how you feel about a person in your life that once meant so much to you. Dont be frightened to take the bull by the horns and to have a confrontation. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You have spent so much of your time on the people you love that youve not had enough time to sort out your own worries. Mars hands you the use of his agility today; use it. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Stop worrying about the trouble youve been having with a project and get some help on it instead. Sometimes you are so stubborn; its silly! Not even you can know everything, so dont even try. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Use the help on offer from Venus to get in touch with the emotions youve been hiding from and admit to yourself what it is that you really need. Its time to stop playing and start living. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Information that came your way last week has led you to review your feelings towards a certain person. Dont be too hasty to part company though; check out all the facts for yourself. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Taureans are of a special significance in your life, and should be responsible for the exciting air around you. What you want is changing, and conversations you have today should definitely confirm this fact. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) With the help of the stars you have finally learnt that you can leave the past behind. You also see that you were aiming too low and that you can afford to ask for more. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) I know that there is an atmosphere between you and a family member. There comes a time you know when you have to give respect to age, and Im afraid now is just such a time. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Flirting with a face that is spoken for is only going to leave you out in the cold with friends and family, so step back and act with caution. More people than you think are watching. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You can relax today. Confrontations forecast for this time are sure to make this month better not worse. Travel may cause disarray to plans, but fall in line, reasons for, which will become apparent soon enough. Saturday, April 16, 2011 Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the double lock will keep; May no brick through the window break, And, no one rob me till I awake. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to go half-barefoot. (One shoe only.) Answer no questions about it, though. Just say I prefer not to talk about it. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will send away for the pamphlet titled The Manly Art Of Knitting , today, but sadly, it will be out of print. You should check with a rare books merchant. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out... <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) So. You let your mole plants die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana... <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Beware of short people. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will become trapped in an elevator with the local Christian Karaoke Club. Look on the bright side - as with many hostage situations, you may end up getting a television mini-series out of it.

omeg · Apr 17, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 17th April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Dont abuse the power the stars are handing you. If you dont get on with someone, leave them to their own devices but dont cause an unnecessary situation or youll cast yourself in a jealous role. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Youre seeking something different in the way of entertainment and your usual set of friends is unlikely to appeal to you. Just know how far is too far to go with someone who is not free. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Let go of some of those doubts you have been having about relationships Gemini. If you doubt anybody enough then they are going to let you down, try to have the confidence to know youre special. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Travel is going to be on your mind and you may be wondering how you can stretch your purse strings to tailor things to your true needs and desires. Phone calls made today can achieve this. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)I know you have been busy with your life lately, but you should always put your family values first. If you dont then you could cause a permanent atmosphere, instead of this temporary one. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)The stars line up to ensure that your life goes to plan and that your dreams and ambitions are given the helping hand you have been craving. And about time too, dont you think? LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Theres only so much you can do to help friends that are not willing to help themselves. This could be a good time to back out of a situation thats beginning to get out of hand. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Sometimes it is easier to tow the line, to make close ones happy. This weeks line up sees changes being made and agreed to, which may not be as easy to change back, so think carefully. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Youre flirting for the sake of it, but just make sure you are not hurting anyones feelings in the process. Your reputation has been so very good recently; so dont undo all youve achieved. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)The urge to spend may seem to you as if youre in need of more security, but aspects suggest youre trying to throw money around to avoid dealing with love issues. Facing them tonight brings success. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Today helps you to take stock of life and you will also find its a day when you can at last outtalk that smart but very naïve family member. Wear yellow for power in financial affairs. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Your social life might not be all you expect as you might be feeling let down by friends empty promises. Make the effort to venture out anyway. Love is forecast when you least expect it! Sunday, April 17, 2011 Stop: Drive Sideways.Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will use the phrase hep-cat daddy-o one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Beware of partaking in Zoroastrian rituals, today. Particularly if you're not entirely certain what's involved. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally reknowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial E. will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will notice an odd stone egg in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get stuck like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak! <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbour's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbour is the Energizer Bunny. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.

omeg · Apr 18, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 18th April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)New faces are out to seduce you and you may have a fight on your hands trying to get rid of them as they fall under the spell of your very attractive and individual personality. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Youre going to find that your love life is more demanding than ever and although this can have many good points it can also have its downfalls. Keep that professional obligation. You know you need to. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)The full moon brings out the arrogant side of your character. Careful Gemini, you are in danger of putting off the very face you have worked so hard to impress these last few weeks. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)You have plenty of opportunities to fire up your love life. The question is, can you be bothered with all the stress that last week put you through? That depends on whether this is true love! LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)There is an air of mystery about your life at this time and I would not be surprised if some of you were on the verge of receiving some very intriguing proposals. It is a memorable time indeed! VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Try not to make too many important decisions on your own. If you continue to leave your close ones out of the decisions youre making theyre going to feel theyre not a part of your future. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Love speaks volumes as some sort of a proposal is made to your face. Dont let pride stop you from speaking from the heart or you could miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Theres work to be done, as a promise has to be made before a close one can give you their trust. Saturn promises to give a final answer regarding a family issue, which has been pending. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)The stars line up to bring seduction your way, in fact theres not a sign in the zodiac that wont be able to find at least one person that they have something in common with tonight. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Your career is on your mind during this thought-provoking week. By talking to other people youve realised that you have been aiming too low when you can afford to ask for so much more. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Luck with numbers on this day can help you to win over an important face as you finally learn that trusting your own instincts can in fact pay off and be much to your advantage. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Your house of family is subject to many changes. Dont worry if you feel as if youve been ignored. You havent. What they are doing is putting things into place for you to join them.

omeg · Apr 19, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 19th April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Luck can be found in Cancerians throughout this week and could even spell the beginning of incredible romances. Dont tell lies on the telephone today. It will come back on you if you do. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Think carefully before offering invites for the weekend. You may be treading on someones toes unintentionally. You may want to check how free certain faces are. Family differences can be solved if you offer a compromise. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You are going to find it hard to keep your money in your pocket, as every item appears like a necessity to you. Save dont spend and your love life is sure to benefit from it. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You can be sure this will be one week youll remember. A close one finally sees your point of view and you should also be able to sort out that work matter pending from last month. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont accuse close ones of things you have no proof of. You may earn yourself a reputation that is not so easy to shake off. Geminis prove to be successful business contacts, so seek them out. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You have been feeling emotional about events that are not even in your control. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture. You will soon see youre actually in the driving seat! LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) The planet Saturn is making your judgement rather blurred so be careful that you do not accuse close ones of doing things that deep down inside you know they wouldnt dream of even thinking. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Love is in the air for many of your sign. Youre starting to realise that you have choices in life. You come out of this week a wiser and happier person and about time too. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Virtue is a jewel of great price. Remember this when dealing with a persuasive ex. Dont lose sight of what and who was a part of your original major plan when thinking about your future. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Progress can be made on a work project that has been at a standstill for quite some time. Keep tonight free for the celebrations you'll want to indulge in when youve heard good news. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Appearances are deceptive, so dont tell new faces too much about the past today. They may not be as open minded as you first thought. Travel plans being laid really can change your future. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Lots of fun awaits you if youre willing to tell a white lie and go with the flow of a new face that seems to have fallen harder for you than you think. Theyre compatible too. Tuesday, April 19, 2011 What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano! <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- pinky -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they? <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a sticky wicker , as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Angst day, today. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to get lots of water in plastic bottles, and shore up your other earthquake preparations. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure. Well, actually, maybe just a little to worry about. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you'll start a new rock group, named SPAM Catapult , and kick things off with a really smokin' number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Ian McHarg once said, Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth. You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: So?

omeg · Apr 20, 2011

Aries: You've been going at full throttle for a while, but it's finally time to slow down and enjoy what you've accomplished. However, this won't be as easy as it sounds, even with the Sun's move into earthy Taurus today. You may be more determined now to relax, but there's still a pile of planets clustered in fiery Aries, so don't judge yourself too harshly if it still takes a while for your energy to settle down. Taurus: The Sun returns to your sign today, boosting your energy and restoring your confidence in your ability to finish whatever you start. But as your rigidity increases, you also realize the inadequacy of your current strategy. Being aware of your limitations is just as important as believing you can do anything. A familiarity with your shortcomings can be an asset, but your chances for success will be improved by concentrating primarily on your strengths. Gemini: Your key planet Mercury nears the end of its retrograde phase, yet runs into a bit of trouble today when it opposes powerful Saturn, blocking your regular avenues of communication. Someone may appear to be working against you, but, luckily, you have the patience to sort out everything. If you can tighten your logic, you should be able to make your case effectively. When the time comes, don't embellish your presentation; the facts will tell the story well enough on their own. Cancer: You may already believe that your life will get easier for you, even if you aren't fully ready to trust your intuition. The Sun's entry into your 11th House of Hopes and Wishes can shine a new light on what makes you happy. Instead of having to fight for your ideas, you are entering a phase when your peers will stand behind you. Don't let old fears sabotage your endeavors. Have a little faith in your friends and graciously accept their support when they offer it. Leo: You may be confronted today by someone who threatens your status. Unfortunately, this conflict could turn sour, even if you did nothing wrong. Obviously, you don't have to admit that you were at fault, only that you're sorry to have made the situation any worse. A heartfelt apology can clear the air and free everyone to move on. Virgo: You might think you have a smarter idea for nearly everything today, but that doesn't mean your way is really the best course of action. Unfortunately, you could be so sure of yourself now that you'll take on anyone who disagrees with your plan. Thankfully, you should come to your senses before an argument reaches the point of no return. In a fight to the finish, there will be no winners, so find common ground and build a consensus from that point on. Libra: You are feeling a bit spacey now and even though you have some interesting and creative ideas, it's difficult for you to express them. Normally, you're able to maintain a healthy perspective, but today you could grow obsessive by trying too hard to make your point. It's counterproductive to worry about what others think. Just share what's on your mind and then let it go. Scorpio: A discussion could escalate into a power struggle today, even if your intention is to return to simplicity. The Sun's entry into placid Taurus lures you into believing the disarming illusion that relationships can always be bucolic. But conflict may return when you remember that you're not interested in compromising your zest for life. Passion is still more important to you than comfort alone. Sagittarius: Conversations with co-workers can blow someone's feelings out of proportion today, adding plenty of confusion to the situation. The more you try to talk it out, the more complicated it becomes. Part of the problem is that it's easy to make broad sweeping statements that are based upon generalities. Instead, be picky and stick to the details. The more specific you can be now, the less time it will take to resolve the current misunderstanding. Capricorn: You feel your strength returning and are eager to be productive, even if there are tricky communication issues that need to be managed today. You might be inclined to jump in and tackle a problem directly, but this isn't the best approach now. Your compulsive need to gain closure on an emotional issue may warp your perspective, so wait for your clarity to return before saying something you'll regret. Aquarius: You may have thoughts that seem so astounding today you cannot let go of them. But you might be afraid to share your ideas for fear that others will steal them from you. Your current paranoia isn't likely based on what's happening now, but rather on a memory about someone once getting credit for what you did. Reframing old disappointments is part of a therapeutic process, as long as you're willing to acknowledge the difference between the past and the present. Pisces: Your fantasies seem larger than life today, yet there's little chance that you'll get lost in them because the practical Taurus Sun keeps you firmly grounded. Listen closely to your intuition, as knowledge is revealed through the practice of meditation, yoga and other relaxation techniques. But this inward focus can be a waste of time unless you follow through in the outer realms, too. Once you are clear about your goals, you'll have a better idea of what to do next. Horoscope by Rick Levine, Tarot.com Wednesday, April 20, 2011 Aries (March 21 - April 19) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your manager will be a twit, today. That's ok, though -- it's what he's paid for. Libra (September 23 - October 22) Bide your time, and don't do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime Jell-O, though. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying no ? Sheesh. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the Bob invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now. -- Edited by PMM2008 on Wednesday 20th of April 2011 07:14:27 AM

omeg · Apr 21, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 21st April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) The chance to step out somewhere new and exciting should put you in touch with a new group of friends that will satisfy that appetite for adventure you have. Wear yellow to confront difficult family today. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) The sun casts a happy glow to your day that ensures you get the help and support from close ones, that you may be seeking. Use these helpful aspects to make that apology owed please. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Expect the unexpected and prepare to be surprised by the words of a close one. Dont stress, theyre sure to be the kind, which will bring a very pleasant smile to your face after 4pm. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Dont hold a grudge about the face that you didnt want to see but were forced to. You just need to know that youve done a really good and big thing for someone you care about. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) An opportunity to show how professional you can be to superiors may mean you giving up some of your spare time for no immediate reward. Do it. It should be the springboard youve been waiting for. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Be prepared, you wont be able to hold your news youve been keeping secret for much longer. Remember that structure is essential. Try to write down what you want to say before you say it. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You are not usually a sign that is insecure but you are going through a phase of feeling vulnerable and you need to get life and facts properly in perspective and success will follow. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Whatever you put your mind to today is a success. You may want to be careful though of losing control of your finances later this afternoon when an emotional mood may see you spending over. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You have waited a long time for these opportunities. Make sure you keep your eyes on the future and not the past, particularly around lunchtime when the stars offer you the chance to change your future. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Teaching and all forms of education come under the spotlight and many of you Capricorns could well find yourself finally succeeding at the very things you were ready to give up on in recent weeks. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Arrogance really doesnt become you Aquarius, so nip it in the bud, before you make an enemy out of the very face you have been trying so hard to impress. Legal dealings require honesty. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Taking time out of life to check on the little things can ensure that the big things run smoothly. Emotionally youre in need of some reassurance and arranging talks for tonight can ensure you get it. Thursday, April 21, 2011 In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. - Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968) <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel 100 Years Of SPAM! decorative wallclock. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's How To Get Noticed. ) <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to use the expression just dandy as much as possible. Tomorrow: okey dokey day. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a bad hair day . <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Your manager will be a twit, today. That's ok, though -- it's what he's paid for. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will notice an odd stone egg in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say Hay! <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Time to start a new fashion trend. Look at it this way: there had to be a first person to wear a necktie, didn't there? Today, every western man has to wear one to dress well. You can almost certainly do better - you probably aren't a deranged masochist with choking fantasies!

omeg · Apr 22, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 22nd April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Say what you are really feeling and you may just end up getting what you have waited so long for. Mixed signals have been making it hard for your loved ones to understand your needs. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You have a lot of work to get through, as you seem to have promised many people things will be completed before this week is over. Travel you make on this day can speed these things up. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) A close one seems to have lost interest in what you are doing of late, but before you start accusing them of not supporting you, find out what is going on in their life first. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) There was a time when you thought you could get what you wanted from the person in your life but that is no longer true, at least not since they have had this new surge of confidence. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) The planetary set up is going to be giving you plenty of opportunity to mix with people that you have long wanted to get to know on a more intimate level. This is your time! VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You and a loved one dont seem to be able to agree on a matter which is fast becoming one of the most important subjects on your agenda. The moon shows you a different perspective tonight. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) With the activity in your house of love recent dramas are the least of your worries. Certain faces in your social circle are determined to get a reaction, but they wont get one, will they? SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) There appear to be two important projects you have long been working upon, but you may have to give them more than you had planned today. Dont worry, its sure to pay dividends if you do. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Signs such as you never were any good at keeping secrets but this is one time where it really will be worth the extra effort my friend. More lives than you think are likely to be at stake. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You have been given mixed messages and the more people you talk to the more confused you seem. Its time to start living life again instead of sitting on the side and watching life go by. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Put confidence in your close ones at this time and great things can happen. Youre finally learning how good it can be to work as part of a team. Letters contain offers, which are worth considering. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Dont get involved in confrontations if you can help it today. Not only will you lose but you could also end up messing up the romantic affairs you have put so much time and energy into. Friday, April 22, 2011 If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got lots of work to do. (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.) <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.) <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Put all your eggs in three baskets, today - metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.) <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarrassing, but often clear up on their own. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbour's shrubbery... <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart Kitchen Shovels , I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook Recipes For Disaster (the sequel to Another Fine Mess ).

omeg · Apr 23, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 23rd April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) I know you are a child at heart but the people youre angry at may not know what theyve done wrong. Try to speak and not shout at them, especially if they are younger than you. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your working conditions are not what they should be and you dont seem to be able to do your job, as you would wish. Dont just shout out your complaints, but communicate amiably for success. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Flirtations turn serious and you find yourself having to lay your cards on the table. You may not have wanted to bear your soul so soon but a certain person needs to know where they stand. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) The stars cast you in the role of counsellor and what you say, people will do. Dont abuse this power please but handle it with maturity. Close ones futures could well depend on it. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont believe gossip you hear at lunchtime or you could end up insulting a face that has only ever supported you in business. New ways to get on with a difficult family member are offered tonight. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Geminis link to gossip that for once you can believe in the workplace. You need to give in to a loved one; it can benefit you in many ways. Their vision has your plans interwoven. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont indulge in angry or spiteful action, which will result in personal difficulties today. Youve come so far that you would be a fool to undo all of your good work dont you think? SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Youre in demand by faces both old and new and you may be in two minds as to whether you can mix them. Do it! You need to find out sooner or later if theyll mix. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Please be careful when talking to friends about your love life. There seem to be quite a few things going on at the moment that might shock some of the weaker-hearted in your circle. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Work no longer seems to hold the same appeal as it did and this may be due to the fact that the spotlight is no longer purely upon you. Give it time, promotions beckon. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youll be glad to hear that you have time on your side but just be careful that youre not pushed before youre ready. A slow pace is working; its stopping you from making the wrong move. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Your taste is changing and what you used to make do with is now no longer an option. This may come as a surprise to those who know you well, but not to you and I. Saturday, April 23, 2011 Save the whales. Collect the whole set. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable cats. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.) <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Beware of unwarranted electrical assumptions today. On the other hand, a shower of sparks and a bit of ozone can be fairly exciting... <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will discover a really cool technique of whistling through your nose. Oddly, nobody will be terribly enthusiastic about your new talent. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Excellent day to sneak. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce this is a Stick Up! . Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nose hair day. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a ping sound rather than a pop . That's a bad habit, anyway. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

omeg · Apr 24, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 24th April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You have a lot to cope with at this time. Try to plan something really relaxing to ease the pressure. After all, if you dont put yourself first, then why should anyone else? Dont you agree? TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Youre finding it hard to trust a friend after they let you down yet again in some sort of a promise. Dont shut them out completely though please. They only have your best interests at heart. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You are likely to still be thinking about all that occurred recently and it may take you a while longer than usual to get into working mode today. Working as a team can solve this problem. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Youre going to have to slow down a little. You have spent so much time end energy of late working towards your dreams that you are not leaving yourself with any time to enjoy the view. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Money may prove hard to find and you may want to think up an alternative arrangement for this evening, so you can spend time with the person you just cant get off of your mind. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You seem to be determined to annoy the people around you today, and if someone says black, then you will say white. You could of course admit what, and who, is really on your mind? LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Uninvited visitors are indicated which could put a dent in plans youd made. Go with the flow; the heavens only have your best interests at heart, as youll soon discover. A close ones betrays your confidence, hear them out before you judge. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Confidence is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. Use today to make a difference to your life and that of your close ones. Aspects support the changes you all seek. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Try not to act, as piggy in the middle with faces that do not and probably will not ever get on. Its not your job to give help where it could be rejected. It is your job to face a love quandary with honest eyes today. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) It seems you may have put your foot in it with a secret you have been trusted with. Finances take a sudden turn in your favour. A new challenge comes from an unexpected source. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youve been up the garden path concerning someones feelings towards you in the past and theyre at it again. Youre worth so much more. Luckily for you recent events have proved this to you. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You have a party head on. It may prove hard for you to think of anything too serious. Try to at least look like youre working as an influential face is watching your every move. Sunday, April 24, 2011 Falling in love doesn't kill people. Landing does. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be fierce. You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action... <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call Bubba-Bonics. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally renowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day for a nice nap. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You're in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre.

omeg · Apr 25, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 25th April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) The dramatic planet Mars fills you with the energy you require to make this week a good one. It is however, up to you to decide where you are going to focus this energy, so focus. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Youre going to be at the top of everyones popular list and you may find it hard to do all you would like to. However someone definitely seems to have cast a spell over your emotions. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You must not feel pushed out of a loved ones life just because they are doing something you cannot get involved in. Sometimes it can actually be a healthy thing to take a break. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Someone you thought didnt care for you is about to show you how very wrong you were, but their timing may be too late. Geminis tell tales so beware of how much you tell them today. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Youre finally learning to put the past behind you. Its taken a long time coming, but I write these words to a wiser, albeit more sensitive soul. Arguments with family tonight are futile. Avoid them! VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) The stars are making many of the other signs a little selfish today and you need to be careful of risking all you have only recently acquired. Foreign countries are calling. Are you listening? LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Its time to look at the educational part of your chart to see what areas of your life, you can improve your knowledge in. The best areas seem to be your finances, which can work miracles. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Family is placing more than a few demands on you and you may find yourself tired, as the last few weeks changes take their toll on you. As one door closes another is about to open. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont wake up angry. Make sure you look on the positive side of things and keep out the way of people you know can rub you up the wrong way. Jupiter helps you to cross an important bridge in your career. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) It is quite clear that you are using a friend that has recently gone out of their way to help you. If you are not willing to give anything back then rethink your strategy. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Old work contacts prove useful but dont expect too many favours in monetary dealings, or you will be sorely disappointed. You need to take the lead. This is your project and a successful one. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Even if there is any truth in rumours, it cannot do you any good to bring attention to yourself. Make a game plan. This can be done by showing a loved one you have faith in them. Monday, April 25, 2011 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things taste like chicken. It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omelet without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to never look a gift horse in either end . <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will discover a new 5th law of Thermodynamics. The first law says you can't win . The second law says you can't break even . The 5th law, however, says never draw to an inside straight . <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter Much bad juju , and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.

omeg · Apr 26, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 26th April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) New friends can be found under the sign of Taurus throughout the coming seven days. What you thought to be a promise in business may only have been an idea, unless you get it in writing. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) If you continue to ask others what you should do then youre not going to find a solution that suits you. Youre the one who must live with the decisions you make in life, you decide. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Dont chase dreams of others, not when you are so close to obtaining your own. Conversations with friends can reveal what really did or didnt happen last weekend. Beware lies coming from a Virgo. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Flirtations and fun await you as you suddenly realise just how much power you have over certain people around you. Dont waste this gift my friend; use it on the person you really want. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) If you are thinking of making a stand with a loved one today, then dont. Compromise and indeed bowing down to their needs can for once pay off in your favour both short term and long term. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You should find much pleasure in life at this time, but not everyone around you will be sharing your zest for life. Beware jealous faces trying to make you feel bad. Ignore them and dont bite. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Just because you dont do things the same as a loved one, doesnt mean that your way is the wrong way. We all have our own style and as you can prove today with perseverance, your way works just as well. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Places that you visit today open up a new chapter of your life and help you to place past issues behind you once and for all. New relationships formed at this time prove lasting and most compatible. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Things are unlikely to go to plan, but dont get worried. What the stars are planning is sure to meet with your approval. All you have to do is agree to go with the flow. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You are going to find it hard to accept the fact that someone less able is being asked to do a job that you deserve. Dont get upset, something far better awaits you round the corner. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont tell too many people your business today. They may not be the confidantes they say. Wait until youve worked out how you want things to pan out first. It will ensure you keep control. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Aries hold the key to many areas of your life that are a little confusing. Stick with this fire sign if you want to learn more about important matters. Dont be frightened of getting yourself involved. Tuesday, April 26, 2011 Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they're best in the long run. In a Tokyo shop <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way). <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn't it? <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment I've never cared for those hairless cats. That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy... <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingy. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Soon you will get into accounting, just for the thrill of it . <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.

omeg · Apr 27, 2011

<table style="width:500px;" > Aries (March 21 - April 20) Remember: Anything left hanging must be picked up and put into place. Lucky numbers: 3, 8, 14, 25, 41, 45 <table style="width:500px;" > Aries General An Aries can be moody and strongly opinionated. They are by nature very affectionate and crave the attention of others. They are also strong-willed and once they made up their mind about something they leave no stone unturned to achieve it. Arians are direct in speech and often lack diplomacy. They are fundamentalists in most areas of life, including sex. Arians crave sexually satisfying expression and a happily married Aries is likely to be loyal to his partner. <table style="width:500px;" > Taurus (April 21 - May 20) All the focus this week is on your lover. You could find yourself falling in love all over again. Lucky numbers: 16, 20, 22, 25, 27, 33 <table style="width:500px;" > Taurus General A Taurus is masterful, strong-willed and stubborn. Taureans are good-natured and easygoing, but like to have their own ways. They are by nature patient, passionate and very direct. With Venus being their ruling planet they are very inclined to romance and love and have abundant sexual forces. Taureans like an artistic and luxurious environment and enjoy the finer things in life. <table style="width:500px;" > Gemini (April 21 - May 20) Something or someone special adds lustre to your image. Enjoy the image up grade, it never hurts to look good in the eyes of others. Lucky numbers: 3, 8, 15, 37, 39, 43 <table style="width:500px;" > Gemini General Geminis love art, music and all things of beauty. It is an intellectual sign and they are usually emotionally sensitive. As they are a mental as well as an air sign they regard sex lightly and are not very likely to get carried away with passion. Geminis generally make very loyal and devoted partners. <table style="width:500px;" > Cancer (April 21 - May 20) Challenging and dramatic sexual encounters are strongly represented in your chart. Lucky numbers: 10, 19, 28, 34, 39, 42 <table style="width:500px;" > Cancer General A Cancer has deep feelings, is shy, fearful and rather sensitive, thus often feels hurt. Cancerians are quiet, domesticated, affectionate and often slow to react, so patience may be required. The sensitive, romantic Cancer longs for an ideal mate and has a strong urge for emotional security. <table style="width:500px;" > Leo (April 21 - May 20) More unexpected, events will occur today. Somehow you are more able to take them in your stride. Before you have reached your conclusion, be sure you have left no stone unturned. Lucky numbers: 5, 9, 16, 27, 38, 44 <table style="width:500px;" > Leo General Leos are proud and independent, but are also prone to arrogance. They love life, are passionate, affectionate and warm hearted. They make good company and are romantic and sincere lovers. They are very loyal and have an immense sense of honour by nature. A Leo usually remains faithful throughout life. <table style="width:500px;" > Virgo (April 21 - May 20) You need a strong partner today, that will guide you on the road to success. Lucky numbers 7, 10, 16, 28, 31, 44 <table style="width:500px;" > Virgo General Virgo is the purest of all signs. They are neat and tidy. It is difficult for a Virgo to find a happy medium and once disillusioned with ideals shattered there may not be much purity left and sexual and other excesses are likely to be the outlet. Virgos have buoyant spirits and are quite flirtatious. They can be quite critical and thus hard to please. A Virgo is usually very considerate, and sensitive. They also prefer not to show their feelings and are rather reserved. <table style="width:500px;" > Libra (April 21 - May 20) Fun times come through recreational interests, especially romance and dating. Lucky numbers: 5, 16, 23, 24, 31, 39 <table style="width:500px;" > Libra General Libras are very fair, sociable and get along well with most people. They are emotionally sensitive, tender and loving. For a Libra sex, love and romance are synonymous. They are easily hurt in romantic affairs. Libras are very often eager to please. A good mate and a nice home are essential to satisfy their emotional and mental needs. <table style="width:500px;" > Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If your in the creative arts, inspiration will be flowing. Keep your cool under a multitude of physical or mental demands and you will have the results you are looking for. Lucky numbers: 3, 8, 10, 31, 37, 44 <table style="width:500px;" > Scorpio General Scorpios have a generous, warm hearted and very passionate nature, but do not wear their hearts on their sleeves. The strength and power of their personalities is intriguing to some, but can frighten others. Scorpio rules the reproductive organs just like Aries rules the head. With Mars being their ruling planet they have an extraordinary amount of energy and creative force. A Scorpio doesn't place affections easily and usually demands admiration and attention. It is not easy to win the heart of a Scorpio. <table style="width:500px;" > Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You have enormous endurance in sex today. Keep it up!The longer the better. Lucky numbers: 4, 13, 28, 37, 41, 42 <table style="width:500px;" > Sagittarius General Sagittarius is a sign of contradictions, symbolized by the Centaur, half horse and half man. A Sagittarian has strong willpower and is known for his moral strength, yet he is seldom at ease. Sagittarians love their liberty and freedom. They don't place their affection easily and need passionate partners. They are best matched with one born in their own sign or a fiery Leo or Aries. <table style="width:500px;" > Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) Make sure everything is accounted for as you will be lured off on an adventure. Lucky numbers: 2, 13, 16, 25, 29, 36 <table style="width:500px;" > Capricorn General Capricorns are rather sedate, reserved and shy. It is not easy for them to express their feelings, which often leads to them feeling misunderstood. They are earnest, practical and economical with a good eye for a bargain. A capricorn does not easily discuss matters concerning sex. They are usually very sensitive and affectionate, yet may seem rather timid as they don't neccessarily express their feelings. <table style="width:500px;" > Aquarius (December 22 - January 19) It's a great day to put new plans into action. Partners work well together as a team. Cooperation is the key. Lucky numbers: 5, 8, 11, 14, 26, 33 <table style="width:500px;" > Aquarius General An Aquarius can be very critical of others and places a high value on personal liberty. Aquarians have a tendency to be unreasonably jealous and combined with their emotional sensitiveness that can cause problems in their realtionships. They are not easily pleased, but make great friends as they are very giving. In a satisfactory relationship they make loyal partners, but don't always marry who they love the most due to procrastination. Most of them will have suffered from a broken heart at some stage. <table style="width:500px;" > Pisces (December 22 - January 19) It's a great day to put new plans into action. Partners work well together as a team. Cooperation is the key. Lucky numbers: 5, 8, 11, 14, 26, 33 <table style="width:500px;" > Pisces General Pisces are often undecided, too easily infuenced and inconsistant. They are very receptive, affectionate, soft and loving. Their charm is sweet, seductive and irresistable, yet they often get edgy and moody, most likely due to their extreme sensitiveness. Pisces are very adaptable. Given a great deal of attention and affection they will make sure that they have a satisfied partner. erotiscopes.com Wednesday, April 27, 2011 A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a horsepower is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana... <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as Watson and say things like The game's afoot!. Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Try to think of life as a game, today. For fun, make up new rules. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun! <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction.

omeg · Apr 28, 2011

Aries You'll excel at promoting yourself and your fantasies. Lucky numbers: 3, 5, 18, 24, 33, 44 Taurus: (April 21 - May 20) A seemingly coincidental reunion with a lover indicates happy times. Be forward and the world will be your oyster. Lucky numbers: 6, 10, 29, 34, 37, 44 Gemini: (April 21 - May 20) Flashes of inspiration and outrageousness will stop you becoming boring or predictable. Someone from your past could lead to romance, bringing a whole new set of values into play for you. Lucky numbers: 1, 6, 7, 14, 23, 42 Cancer: (April 21 - May 20) Playtime with loved ones, can stem to happy times. The more light hearted the better. Lucky numbers: 3, 6, 18, 29, 30, 45 Leo

April 21 - May 20) You seem to have all your creative ideas flowing. Communication is the major factor, specially in the romantic sector. You need to play your cards right. Lucky numbers: 5, 8, 13, 26, 33, 45 Virgo: (April 21 - May 20) Be decorative in dramatic setting to get the most and the best out of sexual encounters. Lucky numbers: 2, 7, 19, 20, 27, 30 Libra: (April 21 - May 20) It is a good day for getting your ideas across to others. Take time for romance after dark. Lucky numbers: 3, 17, 19, 28, 36, 40 Scorpio: (October 23 - November 21) Early rises, find getting about and getting in touch easy and fun. Lighten up and enjoy life is the motto of the moment. Find a creative outlet for a recurring fantasy theme. Lucky numbers: 2, 7, 9, 13, 24, 33 Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 21) As time goes by, there is good connections with your developing sex life. Lucky numbers: 3, 10, 26, 35, 41, 45 Capricorn: (December 22 - January 19) Someone near and dear to you is in need of a helping hand or perhaps just a sympathetic ear. Lucky numbers: 3, 16, 21, 23, 42, 43 Aquarius: (December 22 - January 19) Look forward to a fun filled day. Romantic togetherness is tonights happy theme. Lucky numbers: 5, 10, 21, 24, 35, 40 Pisces: (December 22 - January 19) Look forward to a fun filled day. Romantic togetherness is tonights happy theme. Lucky numbers: 5, 10, 21, 24, 35, 40 Thursday, April 28, 2011 Bigamy is having one spouse two many. Monogamy is just the same. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You'll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it's because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you've had to say about the weather lately. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.) <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...) <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between kidnapped and tortured and wins the lottery . Probably a little of both, I'd guess. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach Mo's Leather Emporium . Don't take it lightly. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good day to mumble. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will figure out how to avoid your enemies, much to their bafflement. Basically, if you're walking along and the background music changes to a kind of eerie theme, and the volume begins to increase...turn around and go the other way. Simple, huh? <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours The Federation Starship Intrepid . And always do that little two-finger wave and say engage , when you start off, of course.

omeg · Apr 29, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 29th April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Dont worry if a close one has chosen to spend time away from you. It is not that they dont want to be with you. They cant. Let them sort out their own problems first. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont feel disheartened if work doesnt go as fluidly as you would like. You still have a lot of groundwork you must do before you can ever see the kind of progress that you dream of. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) It is only by giving a close one their freedom that you will find out if they are really yours. Confidence should and can now be yours concerning financial matters, both today and tomorrow. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Those of you still waiting for that phone call should be in for a pleasant surprise. Just be sure to be yourself and avoid putting on any sort of an act. Its you wholl win them over. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont get too angry if you find yourself being taken advantage of in the workplace. You think youre not in control but you are. Events later on today will prove you hold all the aces. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Dont be in too much of a hurry to accept invitations from people you know you would only be settling for. Accept nothing but the best; a certain person may just come sooner than you think. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You learn many lessons by trusting your instincts and by taking chances that previously you would not even contemplate, let alone indulge in. Mars promises a surprise turn around to a work problem. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) An apology from a family member is being presented, listen, they wont be offering it twice. There comes a time to forgive and forget, and this is yours. Do the right thing, for all your sakes. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) The Moon is pushing you to say things that are pretty near the mark, but just think about how far is too far. Better to be yourself then to try and react to please others. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) It would be silly to think you would go for a sign that was not an attraction. If theyre being punished they may as well do the crime. Back off before they say something theyll regret. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Its time to cut your losses and get out of a situation which is clearly no longer working for you. Travel plans prove to you how much your feelings for a certain face have grown. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Interviews, meetings and mergers are under very lucky influences on this day. A clash of opinions sees you going head to head after 4pm. Stick to your guns and you should win. Friday, April 29, 2011 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what's wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter nothing, it's nothing . <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been blackened . Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Your slogan for the week should be Carpe Diem , or Seize the Day! . Once you seize it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That's it, though, for today's excitement. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Ever had one of those times when you ask someone What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal? and they say Crunchy things? Soon, you will.

omeg · Apr 30, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 30th April ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) If you continue to nag in this way you will only leave a bad taste in a close ones mouth when it comes time for making decisions next month. Leos help you to close that deal. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your need to see someone sees you changing important arrangements at the last minute but youre going to have to be prepared that others may not be as accommodating. Be flexible! GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) The stars make it hard for you to know whom you can trust. Finances also come under scrutiny. You can control this week if you act on facts not fiction, and get information from the source. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Lately youre worrying about things that are not in your control and unless you start to go with the flow a little more instead of constantly trying to swim upstream you get to your destination. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Contacts from overseas make for an interesting day and allow you to indulge in the kind of partying and fun a sign such as you loves so much. Read your texts and ensure you return them. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Youre in need of a break of some sort and you are the only one who cant see this fact. Dont feel bad for relaxing, if you dont wind down you cannot refocus for the future. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You spend much of your day wishing away the hours so you can spend some time with the person you obviously cant get off of your mind. At least pretend to work, youre being watched. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Arguments find successful solutions if dealt with today. Your mind seems to be made up on taking a certain course of action, but please just make sure you have all the facts before you act. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You may want to listen to the advice that Librans give you this week. They only want to help and not hinder you. Your stubborn streak is not your best friend today, be aware of this! CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Use this day to make the most of the ideas, which the stars have given you. You dont need help you only think you do. Follow your ideas and your options and not that of others. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) It appears a certain person is growing on you more and more by the day. Others have noticed this but you seem to be the only one that is still denying there are any feelings there. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Your need to find out some information sees you sinking to new depths. Who knows there could even be a bit of blackmail involved. For love though, its a sacrifice youre willing to make. Saturday, April 30, 2011 The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake severed hand at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress? <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say To Friends, Old and New! ) <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like Arrrr . <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm . You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage . The best reply to this is Huh?

omeg · May 1, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 1st May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Work and career comes under the spotlight and you find yourself wondering whether you should make a sacrifice in the home in order to gain something in your work. You know the answer; you just have to admit it. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) If you think you can you will, and if you think you cant, you wont! Take some time out for yourself. Confidence is half the battle to succeeding in whats been the cause of your stress. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) New love interests link to an ex who seems to have done a lot of growing up these past few months and who appears to be preparing to make a second play for your heart. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Work proves hectic but can do much to enhance your reputation. Keep your eye on the ball. Great things can be achieved and your last years experience is about to pay you back tenfold. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) I applaud the confidence, which you are showing but just make sure that it does not turn into arrogance today. Know how far you should go when pushing professional matters too, youre on the edge. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Aries can help you close that deal the way you want it done. You must not accuse your close ones of doing things that you dont really have any proof of, it could be your downfall. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You have been reading too deeply into the words that your close ones have been saying which has led you to believe things, which may not be true. Asking questions directly today pays dividends. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You are not going to get the full story on anything that took place recently until next week, so try to save your energy or you will only end up pulling your hair out. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Just because a certain someone isnt playing fair, doesnt mean you have to sink to the same level. Keep those standards nice and high. That way you can still be left with pride, even if theyre not. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Close ones are finding it rather hard to act naturally around you. You may be far better to take the initiative to meet up with them so they know theyre welcome rather than feeling theyre imposing. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont make fun of others situations. You may not realise it but the stars are placing a harsh tone over you and you could end up looking unsympathetic. A great time to force work issues though. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Stop keeping all of your feelings to yourself and work instead on communicating with your close ones today please. Its the only way youll get rid of the stress youve been harbouring of late. Sunday, May 01, 2011 It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. -- Voltaire (1694-1778) <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under Florists, Reputable. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You've heard that when economists use the word nice , they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is like, totally kewl. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.) <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to make as much goulash as possible. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Dorothy Parker once said if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me . Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call Bubba-Bonics .

omeg · May 2, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 2nd May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You are slowly but surely starting to enjoy life again. It has taken a while, but youre beginning to realise that a certain persons exit from your life was actually a blessing in disguise. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Try to give thought to holidays, visiting friends or short breaks. Youve been working so hard recently but the opportunity to get away with friends could not have come at a better time. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Don't worry about a minor upset happening in your love life. If you're truthful you will admit that you have both been more than a little touchy and you both want to make up. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) The chance to take the glory for something, which you did not do, is going to prove hard to resist. Just bear in mind though, that the stars will reveal the true winner eventually. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Youre so capable of achieving so much. Just take your time please and dont allow close ones to pressure your usually good judgement. You hold the answers; you know you do. Trust your instincts. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Your efforts have gained much respect from your peers over the recent days. You can do wonders for your self-confidence this week, which gives you a special moral boost. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You are trying really hard to have respect for close ones, however their recent actions have made it hard for you to contain your anger. Listening not talking today can fill in important missing facts. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Family must be a priority. It seems you have not had the time to catch up with your nearest and dearest but conversations at this time can give you the inspiration to make a life change. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Although it does not hurt to talk about other peoples lives, it can cause heartache if you say something, which is of a negative nature. Concentrate only on the positive. Rewards are yours if you do. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) The moon is bringing out your jealous nature and you may find yourself accusing close ones of things they have not even thought about doing. Rein it in and concentrate on the positive. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont say things you know will hurt those close to you just to score a point in these games you have been playing. Doing so will only make you feel bad when the mists have cleared. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Try not to worry about a minor upset happening in romance. If you're truthful you will admit that you have both been more than a little touchy and you both want to make up. Monday, May 02, 2011 No matter where you go, there you are. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been blackened. Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Someone will tell you that you run funny . Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.) <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today will mark the first time you've ever actually wrestled a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase Careful, filling is hot! . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name Throckmorton . (The plant, not the office. Obviously, Throckmorton is a completely inappropriate name for an office. Wiggins is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.) <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as launch codes , who's been naughty , or Snerge . This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?

omeg · May 3, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 3rd May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) New romantic interests link to an ex who seems to have done a lot of growing up these past few months and who appears to be preparing to make a second play for your heart. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You cant help someone who cant help themselves. When are you going to learn this fact? Move on and think about yourself for once. The stars are backing you for the independence you need. Utilise them! GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) If a job is worth doing, then it is worth doing well. Making the extra effort this week can ensure the faces that really count know your name. New names promise improved finances too. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Today should find you going somewhere different and exciting. Youre willing to take risks which last month you would have shied away from. Foreign accents make the offer of a lifetime. Aries tell tales, beware. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont get jealous of a friend whose life is making some drastic changes. You have every reason to look forward to the future with a smile on your face. Its time to start living instead of existing. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You have your naughty head on and Mars is encouraging you to say and do things, which you may well regret. You underestimate yourself. Great strides forward can be made with a positive frame of mind. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Hold fire on any new business deals until you can find out exactly how much time and money is actually required. What may feel good right now, could feel different this time next week. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Your career is set to take some really interesting changes. Dont be too quick to judge a new face in the workplace. They could just turn out to be the ally youve been looking for. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Check your outgoings carefully. Aspects indicate you may be paying out more than you should. A good day to shape up your life and to get rid of the things that are no longer an asset. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Health signs improve and you begin to realise that there is much to be gained out of life for you at this time. Youve finally put the past behind you, as events both today and tomorrow will soon prove to you. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Travel plans you make in the name of love can help you to find the satisfaction, which was so plainly missing earlier in the year. Youre finally learning to say what you want and about time too. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You find yourself mixing your past and present together in some really curious ways this week. This is not a bad thing though, as it helps you lay an old ghost to rest for good. Tuesday, May 03, 2011 If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said Quit while you're ahead ? <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp, and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough, I should think, for your efforts. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will discover you have a certain flair for copywriting, and will pick up a little extra spending money by doing window signs for stores, such as Going Out Of Business. Waaaah! <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to go around nudging people. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??) <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a mountain-person ? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This would be an opportune time to embarrass your relatives. There are many ways to accomplish this, of course, but my personal favorite is also one of the easiest to do: dress funny.

omeg · May 4, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 4th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Right now it is a rather emotional time for you, as you are realising that your feelings and views have changed and you may even decide that your objectives in life have altered too. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You can love someone, but that doesnt mean you will necessarily like him or her all the time. You may want to concentrate on what is important to you rather than getting involved in petty squabbles this week. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Dont you think its about time you came clean about what and who you really want? Certain close ones have already guessed more than you can imagine anyway, as youre about to find out. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) It would appear that you now have the pick of the bunch, as faces that you had thought did not even want to know your name now wish to spend time in your company. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Youve got to admit you have bitten off more than you can chew but thanks to some nifty footwork by the stars, you are set to come up smelling of roses. Enjoy, but dont gloat. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) There is still time for fun this week when the fine art of seduction will be planned, carried out and thoroughly enjoyed by both parties involved! Watch out though, things turn serious. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Its going to be easy for you to daydream. Try not to or youll miss out on the time you could be spending on romance. If that is, youd read between the lines of those texts. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) The planet Mars has made it hard for you to make a decision over a career matter which could be the making or breaking of you. Slow down. Time is on your side so use it. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Your confidence is growing and its clear to see from your chart, youre finally putting the past where it belongs, behind you. Time spent with new faces helps you realise what new things appeal to you. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) New flirtations make for a most interesting week indeed. Just make sure you know how far is too far to go or you could end up regretting your actions come Monday morning. Standards Capricorn! AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Try to avoid getting into arguments with faces you dont even really know. You could always try dealing with the real issue couldnt you? Then again that would be too hard, or would it? PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) When you cant have your own way, you often get moody. Right now however, you seem to be happy to listen to others opinions. Could this be because you know you want and need a change? Wednesday, May 04, 2011 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying yip yip yip sounds or pee on the lawn, this time. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.) <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.

omeg · May 5, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 5th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Taureans know what to say to make you sit up and take notice, as events this week are likely to prove. Dont lend money to people you know wont pay it back or you will fall out. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) The younger generation come to the fore this weekend and you find yourself having to go out of your way in order to help them. Phone calls bring a second shot at something important to you. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Understanding your close ones takes time. It also requires you to listen to what they are saying, rather than making up your own story about what they may or may not want. Acknowledge this please. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Tread softly with a loved one who does not appear to be feeling their usual happy self. The problems that they are experiencing are unlikely to be directly related to you. Realise this fact. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You are playing games and you are about to get your fingers burnt. Its make up your mind time, you either play fair or prepare for some very mixed signals to come your way. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Leaving things to the last minute with your work this week cannot be an option. Preparation and organization is the key to your success. Phone calls and texts you make today start the ball rolling. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You no longer seem to be frightened by words which last year you would run a mile from Youre older and wiser now and this is a great month to tell loved ones your hopes. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Travel and trips you are asked to make may not come to fruition, so be careful about handing your money over. Get the proof before you start investing into what could just be someones fantasy. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Things are unlikely to go to plan, but dont get worried. What the stars are planning is sure to meet with your approval. All you have to do is agree to go with the flow. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Playing games with your love life is making it impossible for the person concerned to know what they should do. Tell it like it is. Lets see if this really is a match made in heaven. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Gossip, which is circulating in your circle at this time, is unlikely to be true. Try not to repeat what you hear, no matter how juicy certain information seems. Wear red for power in family issues. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Your stars indicate that you are going to have to play the role of supporter for a few more days at least. Rewards come soon though as exciting news of travel gives you great cause for celebration. Thursday, May 05, 2011 I'm not crazy...I've just been in a bad mood for 40 years -- Shirley McClane in Steel Magnolias <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record! <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called Rainy Daze. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for Clenched Buttocks as a band name. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've traded down . <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under Music, Instruction and under Cavorting, Instruction . Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies dour . The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck.

omeg · May 6, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 6th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) A loved one seems to have lost interest in what you are doing of late, but before you start accusing them of not supporting you, find out what is going on in their life first. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Just because certain other people dont approve of what you want to do, or have done, does not make them automatically right and you wrong. Live and let live, realise this sooner rather than later. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Youre about to be faced with an ultimatum in love. The only thing is that you no longer give in to emotional blackmail and close ones are about to discover this very fact. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You believe the painful experiences you have been through will hold you back, but what you have yet to realise is that they will actually help you work out which path will now lead to success. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You are finally working out exactly what it is that you need to do in order to find the success as well as the longevity in your work and not a moment too soon. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Flirtations with an ex surprise close ones and shock you. Think before you act though please or you could end up going back to something, which was not and could not make you happy. Ring now to hear why it will pay to follow your instincts. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) The home is highlighted and you may be thinking of moving home or even just making some sort of changes to where you live. Read all mail today, it could hold information youve been waiting for! SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Success is so close I bet you can almost taste it. Dont ruin things by trying to take shortcuts though. Youd be far better to do it by the book as important faces are watching now. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Taking time out to think about the past can help you make important decisions about your future. Overseeing what a younger person is doing today can help steer them on a much better path. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Old habits make for an interesting week but just make sure they dont interfere with your work. The stars also ensure you dont miss out on a great phone call from a much valued close one. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) The desire to make a base for yourself is getting stronger but you dont seem sure how a close one is going to react to what you want to say. Youre in for a pleasant surprise. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Cancerians are making you rather angry in business but dont say something youll regret. You need them as much as they need you. Working as a team is the key to both your success. Friday, May 06, 2011 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? -- Charlie McCarthy (Edgar Bergen, 1903-1978) <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach Mo's Leather Emporium. Don't take it lightly. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was act like a dog day, you might have been better prepared. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under Music, Instruction and under Cavorting, Instruction. Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realized it already did... <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Continue hiding. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the Bulghur Baron . You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships? <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book 101 Ways To Break The Ice : Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as YOU'RE Bill Smith??? Uh, yes Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you? What do you mean? Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all.

omeg · May 7, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 7th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) The hard work and overtime that you do in the coming week can earn you respect in high places, so make the extra effort. Commitments are hard to back out of, careful what you promise. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Listen to Mercurys scholarly pace. Remember this week if you want a job doing well, do it yourself, no matter how much longer it may take. A compromise in love can offer you the upper hand. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You accumulated a lot of secrets, which have got to come to light soon if you are to sleep with a clear conscience. The question is when you should tell close ones what is really going on? CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Step back and look at the new faces that have become a part of your life. Aspects indicate that unions could prove life changing, but whether it is lust or love still remains to be seen. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Younger faces in the family are able to talk sense this week. They seem to be able to see life without the limitations, which you have been subject to. An open mind broadens your options in life. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) The quicker you talk about whats happened the person concerned will feel better and so will you. Dont get picky and blow things out of proportion but make sure you dissolve any problems immediately. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Family has some surprise news, which should show how much your influence has rubbed off on a certain face these past months. Your own personal life is subject to a proposal, which will shock even you! SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) There is an air of excitement in the family. Someones planning something and its giving you reason to take stock of life. Only problem is you need to take off those blinkers to see your true choices. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Recently youve not had the time alone with a close one that you had hoped for. All that can change if you are honest in heart to hearts, which take place on this day. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) As you are finally laying down firm plans, you find that you dont have the control youve been used to previously. Communication is the key to getting the support you need, ensure you use it. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Please do not get jealous of the time that a loved one is spending away from you. Youre about to find out that what they have been doing was for both of your benefits. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You find yourself in two minds as to whether or not you tell a friend the news you have uncovered about their close one. Only you can decide how loyalty compares to heartache. Sleep on it. Saturday, May 07, 2011 Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Swiss reataurant <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don't ask me. I just see the future, I don't explain it. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today! <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a pink slip. Sounds like party attire to me! <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Confucius said Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life. Confucius was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never worked a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.) <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Someone will ask How are you? for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing...

omeg · May 8, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 8th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) A loved one isnt talking to you and youre beginning to get paranoid as to the reason for this. Give them some more time as aspects indicate you are an innocent party in all of this. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont get jealous if close ones are making plans, which dont involve you. Youve taken a step back from your life recently and its time to make you a priority again. Confidence leads to miracles today. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Something that happened at the weekend is still weighing heavily on your mind. You want answers, but youre not sure who to ask or where to start. Texts you receive offer you an important clue. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) This is a rather emotional time for you at present as you are realising that your feelings and views have changed and you may even decide that your objectives in life have altered too. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont think you have to give away too much to friends about the weekend. Some things are best kept under wraps, arent they? Playing your cards close to your chest gives you the upper hand. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Someones been telling lies and you would be wise to believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see today. Holiday and travel plans give you reason to have confidence in a relationship. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) It must seem to you as if everyone is watching and waiting for you to go wrong. Theyre not, theyre simply showing you support, accept it. Working as a team will lead you to success. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You appear to be thinking more about the past than you are the future recently. Youre trying to make sense of all that occurred so you can work out your next best step for the future. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Legal links can actually be lucky for you at this time, but make sure you have all and not just some of the facts, which youll need. New flirtations turn serious from today onwards. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) I know youve had the feeling as if you could not get your work done in the way youd like recently. Thats true, but the upside to this is how vividly your efforts have been noted. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Big decisions loom. Just dont go asking others when you are the only one that must reach the final answer. Work you did last month finally starts to show signs of success thanks to Leos. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You can know a person for years and they can still shock you but youre a sign who continually stuns people with the way that you can change something, which others would have given up on. Sunday, May 08, 2011 If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don't remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours . <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you? <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up heads , tails , heads , heads . Then someone will come up and say hey, whatcha doing? Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.

Daily Horoscopes....

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