Daily Horoscopes....

omeg · May 9, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 9th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Use this day to spend time with a face youve been neglecting, important bridges can and should be built. Phone calls you receive this week should prove that this is just what has happened! Give me a ring to put the past finally behind you. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont judge every action a loved one makes as if theyre doing it to hurt you. We all like to spread our wings from time to time and to see whats achievable on our own. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Aquarians know what to say to make you take notice, as events this week are likely to prove. Be careful whom you lend money to, as this will affect friendship if you dont get it back when you need it most. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Why do you have to move at such a fast pace? Who said you were in a race? Quality not quantitys the key to you making the base you need for longevity to your success. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) A Virgo only has your best interests at heart, so back down gracefully please. A new face in the workplace looks good but dont go getting up close and personal until you find out their status. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Dont feel bad about a misunderstanding in love. The other person is not as naïve as you may think! Laying your cards on the table can bring peace talks and harmony. Make the first move. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) There are a many pressures mounting and it is not until the end of this month youll start to see things take a change for the better. Use this precious week to prepare yourself mentally. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Careful, you are going to be very tempted to do sloppy work today and any mistakes will be noticed. If you dont feel up to doing a job then leave it for another time. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Come clean and move on from this needless dilemma affecting your life. You know youre stronger than the situation youre facing and its about time you stood up to this fact instead of hiding from it. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Money will be spent on entertaining, as youre out to impress. Make sure you let your personality and not your credit card do the talking. Its the real you that can win people over. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) A new skill youve taken on board can help open up a whole new world of financial opportunities to you. Just make sure you dont forget to honour that monetary arrangement you made last week. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Just make sure that you are not forgetting any important birthdays or gatherings this week, or you will only be angry at yourself when you find out what a good time and great opportunities you missed. Monday, May 09, 2011 Specialist in women and other diseases. In the office of a Roman doctor <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will develop the extremely rare Perkin's Disease , and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, Jim , into wrestling a giant anaconda. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered egg in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry... <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored papier mache animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed? <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called Rainy Daze . You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for Clenched Buttocks as a band name. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

omeg · May 10, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 10th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) New ways for you to get on with family make this a time for celebration. Youre back on track and arrangements you agree to today should prove this very fact to you and your close ones. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) A close one seems to have lost interest in what you are doing of late, but before you start accusing them of not supporting you, find out what is going on in their life first. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Make sure you spend your money on the important things this week, as it may well be hard to find any spare funds next week, due to unforeseen events. Preparation today really is everything. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Foreign links are set to make your life a more interesting place to be. Pluto also has a message for you from a dream youve already had. Heed it; its the key to your future. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Take some time out to think about your life instead of worrying about everyone elses; then you would see how easy it is to make a successful place for you and your close ones. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Youve acknowledged youre happier since you made that life change. Just because a close one is not, that cannot really be your problem or your fault. Distancing yourself from them appears to be a good option. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Now is a really exciting time for you. Things youd previously been ready to give up on, now actually stand a chance of happening. Youre working out what and who is important to you at last. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A really flirtatious side to your nature is emerging which could well see you crossing the line with other peoples partners. Careful, make sure you know how far is too far to go. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) A positive mental attitude is the key to you turning your life around. Remember, as I have said many times before, if you think you can you will and if you think you cant you wont. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You may find yourself making a phone call to talk to someone from your past. Just make sure youre moving forwards and not going backwards with your life. Progression means everything to a sign such as you. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Could it be youve realised game playing is not the fun you claimed? Or could it be that youve fallen harder than we thought? Life changes beckon. Get ready for some form of proposal. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Have a little more confidence in yourself and your decisions, particularly after 4pm. What you think is a guess is actually a very wise and well-educated decision. Trust those instincts, my dear friend. Tuesday, May 10, 2011 Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. -- Billy Wilder <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will tell a total stranger that you're sick and tired of salad , today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've traded down. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid kajoobies or shvontz like the plague. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.) <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.) <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to The Mongol Horde , you might take notice. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though - I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry, though. It's probably nothing. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) So. You let your mole plants die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

omeg · May 11, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 11th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Youre looking a little too deeply into a situation that is not in your control. There is far more than you think for you to learn. You hold the power to make life good, use it! TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You may have bitten off more than you can chew, but not being a sign to back off, youre still moving forward with your head held high. Finally its about to pay off to your advantage. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Dont allow other peoples dramas to become yours. Youll waste the time that you should have been spending on your love life. Believe me, youll wish you hadnt when you see whats on offer. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Venus is playing games with your emotions. Resist the temptation to call people who are no longer a part of your day-to-day routine. You may end up regretting it if you do. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You dont seem to be able to get time alone with a loved one lately but tonight offers you the chance for some one on one, if you are quick enough to grasp this opportune moment. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Loose ends, which you have left must be tied up sooner rather than later, so you can be free to concentrate on organising your personal life and getting the people you want to spend your time with. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) A past love boosts your ego by revealing how they really felt. Dont go down this slippery path. If they were right first time round, then a sign such as you would not have let them go. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Please ensure you dont tell others secrets today. Remember what they say about people in glasshouses? Youre going to need support yourself when you hear how wonderfully dramatic a change is approaching. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Relaxation and time off are on your mind. Close ones may not feel the same, but use your powers of persuasion after and not before 6pm and youll be able to get anything you want. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Getting your own way seems to be somewhat of a problem right now. What you need to know though is that close ones need and appreciate your help. Discussions tonight, confirm this very fact too. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) This is the week when you get to find out who are your true friends. You may be surprised by the revelations, which the stars will make to you and youll certainly be better off. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Investments into the home are encouraged, and any doubts you have concerning choices and figures may well link more to your keeping up with the Joness attitude than common sense, so try to ensure clarity reigns. Wednesday, May 11, 2011 It is well known, that among the blind the one-eyed man is king. -- Erasmus (c1465-1536) <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags... <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You'll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley . Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will order the dinner special at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.

omeg · May 12, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 12th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Progress in your career should slowly but surely make it easier for you to shape your working week as you desire. Take advantage so that you can finally plan your week. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Taking gambles in love seems very appealing at the moment, but make sure you understand the full effect that your actions may have on those around. Youre wearing blinkers, and they need to come off. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Try to make a plan for yourself, so your energies lay only with your priorities, or you could end up ruining the hard work that February saw you do. Aries help you focus for success. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Youre looking and should be feeling so much better now. You finally understand what needs to be done, to gain the independence, which is required for your plans in life. Romance beckons via texts. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Try not to spread gossip, or it will come back on you. Remember, you needed some secrets of your own kept not so long ago. Lost numbers are fates way of helping you move on. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) If you know that you and a colleague are clashing then put some distance between you. You are too close to the finishing line to allow such petty differences to ruin things now. Dont you think? LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You dont seem to know who you can trust as certain facts you had hoped to keep private seem to have become public knowledge. Confrontations today offer you the upper hand if you keep your cool. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Today could see you having to put up with the company of a face youve never been able to warm to, to please a loved one. Relax, you may just find yourself having a good time! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Love comes at a price, as you have to neglect certain areas of your life in order to ensure you can take care of whats now become your priority. Overseas links prove exciting from today onwards. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Stop trying to fill in the missing blanks yourself and ask the person directly the question, which is burning away inside of you. Only then will you be able to move on, my friend. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Course, you can do what you want when you want. Dont things feel so much better when you have support though Aquarius? Telling the whole story regarding your dreams today offers such team play. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You may be earning more this month, but you certainly know how to spend it too. Use the coming days to do some honest sums. It can make all the difference between rags and riches. Thursday, May 12, 2011 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to shuffle your feet. Remember: it's OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will discover a little book called 1001 Names For Your Pet . You should probably name your next pet either Pope John Paul or No Clothes On . That way you can say things like Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again or I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)

omeg · May 13, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 13th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Close ones are looking at you from a new perspective as you have taken on a new and more confident stance about life and love. Overseas links offer you an exciting new career path. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your plans require more groundwork if they are to pan out as you had hoped. Close ones want to help you, all thats needed is for you to tell them all instead of half the story. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Time spent with new faces this week opens up a whole new world of opportunity. It also proves how much a certain person has been using you over the last few days and weeks. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) There seems to be a lot of competition in your personal life now. How can you ensure you gain the upper hand? By keeping honesty to the fore and not allowing lies to flow when you speak. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Yes youve been through more this year than most people do in five. But youve come out of it a better and stronger person. Acknowledge this fact and you can move on to the next chapter. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) What do you want to do with your life? Are your plans yours or what close ones think is probably best for you? For once Im daring you to be different. Life is calling; start living it. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Youve come through a lot and its time to give yourself a break before you undo all you have managed to achieve. Rewards come from Venus after 5pm. Remember experience is the teacher of fools. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You may think familiar faces are doing you a favour, but aspects indicate you would actually be far better to shop around and see what the going rate is, for the skills you have to offer. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Surprising phone calls and correspondence are predicted and should bring a really exciting new offer your way. Dig out your passport, as the stars suggest youll need it much sooner than you dared think. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You say you dont care what happens, but you and I know that you do. I also know that youre far more capable than you say you are. Push the boundaries and miracles can occur. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) If you believe in your heart youre not going to give in to the changes a close one wants, now is your time to tell them so, before they put money and reputation on the line. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Treat the people you meet as if one day they may be your jury, youve far more friends and supporters in your career than you think, as youd discover, if you took down those barriers. Friday, May 13, 2011 Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It's actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you've been waiting for. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as launch codes , who's been naughty , or Snerge. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it - your mother simply wasn't much of an engineer... <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realize that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Another one of those excruciatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way! <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Some types of pest control are best handled by professionals. And if you don't act soon, it will end up costing far more money. Still, it's embarrassing when the neighbors see a man in coveralls step out of the van with a huge plastic dead lawyer on top, and walk into your house carrying the spray tank. It's hard to pretend they're just spraying for roaches... <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You'll be asked to knock it off.

omeg · May 14, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 14th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Keep your nose clean in business today please and dont let easy but corrupt shortcuts tempt you. It is only by playing things by the book that you will ever get the respect that you crave. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Mars brings drama and shows how unpredictable life is. Youre in the driving seat from here on in. Dont be afraid to say what you want. Others are finally willing to give you what you want. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You set the pace and the standard, if you want others to follow. For a sign thats usually so helpful, youve been very difficult recently as I think you well know. Phone calls can lead to reconciliations. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Venus puts pressure on you to make a decision before youre ready and you could end up rushing into something youll regret if youre not careful. Time is on your side, know this and use it. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont be envious of a loved one whose career is creeping into their social life. If it were you these opportunities were being offered to, you wouldnt be so quick to reprimand. Confidence is your secret weapon. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Dont allow silly disagreements to come between you and a close one. You know you love each other and you also know youre under an immense amount of pressure right now. Talk; dont shout. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Teamwork concerning a family issue can help a younger person turn their life around. Dont belittle a new face you are set to meet at this time, they hold more power than you may first realise. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Action makes more fortunes than caution. This is the perfect day for you to take things to the next level. The stars are behind you to make your success as sweet as you had hoped it to be. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Getting hold of some important people from your past whether via e-mail or Facebook or even old friends, puts a smile on your face. Youre bringing together your old life and new much to your satisfaction. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Dreams hold the answers youve been seeking to make those all-important life changes. You may have to upset a family member to get what you want, but time will bring them round in the end. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Make the time to have a social life this week. You need to have some time to enjoy the benefits of all of your hard work, or what was the point of your efforts? PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Close ones may be acting strangely but this is only because youve been giving out strange signals of your own. Make the effort to let close ones know theyre loved. Their reaction will be reward enough. Saturday, May 14, 2011 What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, _The New York Times_, 1960 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will be struck by the notion that Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive. You have a mind of great depth and profundity. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely wacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection Yo Mama By The River . <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to go around nudging people. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole, and see if anyone salutes. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment I've never cared for those hairless cats . That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy... <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, I'll never be hungry again!

omeg · May 15, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 15th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Let sleeping dogs lie and dont push an already volatile matter in the workplace my friend. All you will do is push the person concerned to do and say things that they will regret. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont let jealousy come between you and a friend. Some would say youve been too close of late and taking a step back from your relationship can help you realise how unimportant recent disagreements have been. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) The stars offer you clear vision so look straight on at events before you. Pursue dreams and plans now. Watch out for mistakes in cash though when your reputation may well be on the line. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) A certain persons claimed that theyve changed, but youre not sure. This is one month where I would advise you to trust in your instincts. Dont make past mistakes again. You deserve the best, dont you? LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont say things you dont mean just to keep a close one happy. They will count on your words more than you think. The truth may hurt but it wont cast you a liar. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You were told what to do and you are doing it. Is this a good thing? It depends on if youre comfortable with what is being asked of you and aspects indicate you may not be. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) The stars are making many of the signs disagreeable. Youd be best not to rise to any bait laid before you. Standing tall today gives you the confidence to take your career to the next level. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You appear to be developing a crush on someone that you used to only ever view as a friend. Just make sure you know what you are doing though, your actions will not be easily reversed. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont say things you know will irritate your close ones, just to get a reaction. You would be far better to place this excess energy somewhere more productive, such as work issues youre hiding from. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Dont get involved in shouting matches with anyone today youll lose. A brash light, the stars have cast upon you, requires you to show a more charitable side please my friend. Rewards await if you do. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Careful that you dont get into any trouble with the white lies you find it hard not to tell of late. If you are attached, you are already on dangerous ground with your flirting. Rein it in! PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Its time to take stock of your life. Youve been through so much but you have not realised that what you want you can now have. E-mails and texts around this time will prove this. Sunday, May 15, 2011 Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. -- Jules de Gaultier <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named Sven , but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to Bob , and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will hear a mysterious whapping sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it's only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in snuggle bunnies with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is Help! Help! <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places... <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a pink slip . Sounds like party attire to me! <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Your concern about the International Space Station may not be one that NASA has considered, despite how obvious it seems to you. I'd go ahead and send them a note: Never serve beans in space.

omeg · May 16, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 16th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Mars brings a change you will resist, but which with time you will see was the route to success. Being nice to all new faces you meet can bring you friends in high places. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Youre very good at telling others how to handle their money but not so good when it comes to your own. Keep quiet until next month or you could end up with egg on your face. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Your thinking is clearer than its been in months and youre realising what needs to be done to get the future of your dreams. Only thing remaining is telling the person who wont be in it! CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You and I know you can do what looks right. The big question is, will it make you happy? I dont think so. Daring to do whats in your heart takes courage, but it can also bring happiness. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You have not been feeling as strong as you should. Recent events have taken their toll on your emotions. Break out and say what you should have said weeks ago. Itll be the making of you. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Your abode seems to be the centre for a drama which is fast unfolding in your life. Do you want to have control in the direction things go? Then dont involve third parties tonight. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) I know if you didnt spend so much time watching and thinking about everyone elses love life then you might just have some energy and time for your own. Prioritise, miracles occur if you do. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) The planets dont seem to know whether to encourage or discourage you in life and love this week. One minute you want a commitment the next you dont. Time brings clarity. Dont be rash. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) It could be better for you to take a backseat until you are able to see with clearer vision over recent events. Geminis want more than friendship from you, as you should soon discover. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A fitter and more attractive character is emerging, as comments around you will soon prove to you. Life is changing for you and youre now in the driving seat, no longer a passenger! AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) The way you look is more important than you think, so take extra care when you get dressed today. It could be the making of you as far as your career and finances are concerned. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) There is nothing more annoying for a Pisces than to feel restricted in love. The only thing you havent noticed yet is that you are the one who is putting up the boundary lines. Monday, May 16, 2011 He was all over the road, and I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you'll start to worry. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will break all the resolutions you made yesterday, and you will grin. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say You too can be a criminal mastermind! <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a puka , which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Someone named Bob is plotting to whap you with a calla lily. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You've been thinking about stealing, to support your phonics habit. It's time for you to seek professional help.

omeg · May 17, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 17th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You are being unfair to yourself, so ease up and enjoy what could well be your best year yet. Admitting what and whom you want will take you a long way to making dreams a reality. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) I love the way you give everyone else time, yet when it comes to your own life, you take a backseat and let others guide you wherever they please. Wake up and take back control. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Write down anything of importance as a forgetful mood the stars are placing over you could see you forgetting things you need to remember at a later date, which can save you both money and reputation. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Certain faces have decided to part ways and you find yourself having to choose between friends. Careful you dont end up being the one left out in the cold. Say nothing until youve heard all sides. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Acting on hearsay could end up being your downfall. Dont cast an opinion until you are sure that you have your facts. Running into faces from your past is not as accidental as they may claim. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) All is about to be revealed about something, which you have been curious about for some time. Take your time when dealing with paperwork today, it is more important than you could imagine my friend. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Pushing a close one for answers theyre not willing to give is not going to get you anywhere. Bide your time, theyll tell you all you need to know when they are ready, I assure you. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) It must infuriate you not to know what close ones are thinking. Back off and let them be the ones who make the first move towards communication. More will be revealed to you if you do. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) A fall out youve had with someone in work is beginning to affect your personal life. Take some time out today to work out where your problems really lie. Youll soon see theyre far easier to solve than you thought. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Your versatile personality makes it easy for you to play the role thats needed for whichever drama youre in. Today however, it will pay you to listen, for someone has a declaration you need to hear. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Freshen yourself up and try and look at the positive side of any problems you face. By feeling and looking good you will give out the confident air, which is needed to gain the support required. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Your career is the area in which you should focus all of your energies as Mars offers you the agility and Saturn offers you the structure to get the faces that count to notice you. Tuesday, May 17, 2011 Living in a vacuum sucks. -- Adrienne E. Gusoff <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will find solace, and it won't look at all like you expected. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be strictly bass. One must have standards, after all. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Sadly, nobody will like your latest recipe invention. Perhaps the world isn't ready for a meatloaf smoothie? <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, if you aren't broke, don't fix it. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically jiggle a little thingy . While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance... <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to doodle. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Some strange hooting creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness.

omeg · May 18, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 18th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Due to the amount of work youve taken on you must be finding it hard to find time to even think about doing anything on your list. This is what friends and families are for though. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your home appears to be the centre for dramas. Just because things are being played out in your abode doesnt mean you need to take centre stage. Let others battle out whats their drama not yours. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You think you havent got a lot done, but youre wrong. Sometimes you are your own worst taskmaster. Take time out of your day to take stock it sure to put a smile on your face. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) What you want can be yours if only you wouldnt set yourself impossible time limits. Theres enough to keep you occupied for a month. Make sure you dont take on what you know you dont need. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) What you think to be fact could well turn out to be fiction. Careful, you are walking a very thin line at the moment and are in danger of losing the respect of a loved one. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Avoid pushing situations, which are clearly not ready to be toyed with. The reason youre in a hurry is youre frightened it will go away. Youre wrong its here to stay if you want it to. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Important correspondence arrives that makes it possible for you to put what has been a major worry to the back of your mind. Youre on a more even keel and families reaction to you, confirms this. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Having a sense of humour can be to your benefit today. Certain signs are blowing a lot of hot air and by not reading too deeply into what is being said youll come out the winner. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) The beautiful and lovely aspects this week should allow you to get back onto good footing with a loved one who has been more than a little distant from you of late. Clarity again reigns. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A run in with a face from the past stirs your emotions and makes you reassess what you have. Dont force a work issue with a superior. Time is your best weapon in making sure you get what you want. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Better ways to get on with a family member you have experienced problems with can actually see you finding much common ground. Much I am sure, to the joy of an older face close to you. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Why you insist on spending money on everyone else this month is beyond me, especially when you still have some debts to pay off. Close that purse and youll find the true friends remain. Wednesday, May 18, 2011 I am proof that Einstein's e equals m c squared is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) big , small , and clumsy. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You'll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it's because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you've had to say about the weather lately. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the normal fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: My Darling Snookums: . <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won't be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you'll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to fidget. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble What? while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they? <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will become fascinated by the unlikely use of the same word to mean very different things. For example, what is the link between seasons as changes in the weather and seasons as in what you do to food? Or for that matter, why are Fall and Spring named for action verbs, and not Summer and Winter? Shouldn't those be called something like Wiggle and Shiver?

omeg · May 19, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 19th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You must try not to worry too much about family issues being brought to a head recently. Aspects indicate this can only be a good thing, no matter how frightening it may seem at first. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Some challenging aspects puts you at cross purposes with a close one and you will need to be careful that you dont accuse loved ones of doing things they havent. Not when youve come so far. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Make the time and effort today to give a family member a call and check how they are doing. You may not realise it but even just a word from you can boost their spirits. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Youre finally on the home stretch to complete a project, which has almost taken over your life these recent weeks. Proof of this comes via a phone call or contact you get after 2pm. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Decisions, decisions, decisions. What will you do now? Not even you know, but phone calls you both make and receive on this day will give you a clear indication of what should be done. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You cant understand exactly what a close one wants from you. Maybe if you spent a little more time listening instead of talking you would discover that they could actually help and not hinder your life. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) A matter from the past can finally be settled but may require you getting out your credit card or making a payment of some sort. A fresh view of a family member brings you closer together. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You may want to watch what you say to friends about money or you could end up going into the red for the sake of pride! Seduction links to a last minute trip you make. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You may think its all right to dissect the life of friends but they may have something to say about it, especially with the kind of characters youre telling. Concentrating on your own life today brings romance. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You dont seem to have the energy to argue with a loved one, but if you dont stand up for yourself you could end up agreeing by your silence to a change that you dont want. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) When you love, you love completely. Youd do anything for those close to you. So to feel let down in this manner is somewhat of a shock. Revelations made after 4pm give you back your faith. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Problems with juggling personal and professional responsibilities can be solved by asking outsiders rather than close ones before 2pm. There is a new admirer watching you, take note. Life is getting exciting for you again. Thursday, May 19, 2011 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Someone named Bob is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will ignore the warning label on the mouthwash bottle, and will attempt to yodel while gargling. That will be a mistake. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, Giggles. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.) <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will acquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.) <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit! <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will develop the extremely rare Perkin's Disease , and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, Jim , into wrestling a giant anaconda. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back.

omeg · May 20, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 20th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Dress to impress and use the help Jupiter is offering to live your life to the full. Your hard work is about to pay off via a phone call or e-mail headed your way now. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Someone wants you to see him them and they are trying to let you know in as subtle way as possible. Listen to all thats being said, there is much you can do to help a certain someone. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Careful how much you tell family about what is going on in your personal life. It is one thing to fill them in on a few facts, but quite another to tell all, quite so soon. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Finally you will begin to feel your body and your mind improve. In fact the stars are now behind you to ensure that you feel your best. Youre about to make up for that lost time. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You have gone through a phase where you have questioned your own importance in life but proof is around throughout the coming days and weeks in fact, that you are both needed and loved my friend. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) One particular friend has got too big for their boots but dont say anything yet, leave it to a quieter character in your circle whos more reason than you think to be the spokesperson this week. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) The current line up helps you to shake off any negative feelings youve been having about how you see your life with a close one. Youve finally looked at the facts and not listened to fiction. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A lot has happened to you recently and you seem to be feeling confused about what your next move should be. Do nothing, not that is, until youve heard what insight an Aries can offer. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Youre so good at knowing what other people should do with their lives, but youre far too involved with your own to make confident decisions. Step back, the answer is staring you in the face. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Decide where your priorities lie before you risk losing the very thing you have spent the last year trying to acquire. Talking from the heart can change the course of your life, if you dare. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Recently youve made an enemy of someone that you will have to admit you actually quite liked in the beginning. Find the confidence then try to sort out this dispute today, common ground can be found. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) The faces you do not think hold the power are in fact capable of catapulting you into the big time. This is your time so pay attention to all that is going on around you today. Friday, May 20, 2011 Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) It's time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like mashee or niblick in casual conversation? <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Yogurt day today. Did you know that some natural remedies books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.) <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Beware of slime creatures today. There's one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) An eldritch fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) It's ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say nothing succeeds like success must have sounded like a real idiot. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You've just finished something, but you're starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it -- that way, madness lies. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating.

omeg · May 21, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 21st May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Good times link to you taking a chance on your dreams and ambitions and giving in to what you want instead of bowing down to emotional pressure as has so far been the case. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Travel comes under favourable aspects and you may spend much of your time trying to find the best deal for an upcoming trip you will soon be making. Hold fire, the best deals come from tomorrow. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Expect the unexpected today as faces you didnt think would turn up back in your life make the effort to get in touch. Nothing that happens is an accident, knowing this gives you the upper hand. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Venus is making you a sucker for a sob story but just remember you need brains and beauty, so dont settle for second best, no matter how much your impatient nature is encouraging you to rush. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Work and finances are highlighted and youre starting to get good at the very things, which were holding you back this time last year. How far youve come and how far youll go now too. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) The dramas about to occur will require you to have all of the friends and support you can muster, as Im sure you are beginning to realise. Start making those all-important contacts now. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) We all make mistakes, and what you need to ask yourself is how long you intend on punishing yourself for the ones, which you made. Give yourself a break, theres a life waiting to be lived. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Someone you once merely regarded as a flirtation has moved up a step in your estimation, but with Mercury pushing your communication skills it may be worth your while doing a little more window shopping. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Youre hearing rumours about someone thats started to be on your mind more often. Take what you hear with a pinch of salt, its unlikely to have any basis for you to change what you share. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) So many pressures have been building up its no surprise you feel a little stressed. The good news is that today marks the end of such worries, as youre about to find out to your delight. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Your need to talk about other people could see you getting into trouble with family. If you know the information you hold could hurt others, then try not to repeat it. Work only on the positive. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Resist offers of love you know to only be temporary, or you could just miss out on the perfect match, watching from the sidelines. Fresh offers in your career bring inspiration. Wear blue for financial luck.

omeg · May 22, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 22nd May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Taureans tell tall stories so try not to act on what they say this week. Having patience in affairs of the heart can pay back dividends. Youre about to experience the fine art of seduction! TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) This is a fabulous time to run with the ideas, which you had at the beginning of the year, but were unable to put into action. Conversations with Geminis shed light on a family matter. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Careful what you say to Aries who are going to be taking your words more literally than you may first think. You have the power to make or break peoples confidence this week, so act responsibly. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Your ability to see both sides of a situation helps you to save your name in business. This week is set to see you making brilliant new contacts in your work opening important doors for you. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Aries link to unexpected but very exciting events that take place. You may have to tell a white lie to a friend in order to do what you want with who you want this week. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) What you may have problems doing this week is keeping the event that transpired last month under wraps for much longer. What I know is that its exposure will be the making of you. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Mercury is ensuring that you have much fun over the coming days and that you are finally able to separate the past from the future and not a moment too soon, Im sure youll agree. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Cash outlays link to the abode and you may well have to pay out some of your money for something, which you will not see but is sure to save you fortunes in the long term. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You start this day on a high, as you should at long last know that your feelings towards a certain person are reciprocated. Indeed you should now be able to lay firm plans for the future. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) The home is highlighted today and will be demanding not only your time but also your cash. Dont try to cut corners though or you will only be creating more expense for yourself later. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youre jealous of the time that a close one is spending with a loved one. No one wants to stay in the company of a nag. Make yourself a character they want to spend time with. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) There are some important money worries, which you must deal with if you are to have a stress free week. Indeed you may think that it is better to ignore them but you would be wrong.

omeg · May 23, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 23rd May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) If youre willing to show patience, you will be well rewarded but try to rush the important decisions which have to be made in your life and you will only regret it this time next week. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) A forgetful mood may see you letting down a friend later tonight so try to double check arrangements. If you know you have priorities elsewhere which you would drop all else for, then tell them. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Your personal life proves interesting as you finally get the winning hand over someone you thought you would never win over to your way of thinking. A welcome money surprise comes your way after 3pm. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You may well find yourself exhausted after the last few days the majority of your sign will have had. Meetings today should give you the go ahead in a venture you have been working towards. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) A really lucky start to your day is highlighted. You should find that you could now start to find some common ground with a face you once thought might become a major problem to your career. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Saturn is going to be responsible for you making some great new business contacts. You may have to take a cut financially in order to prove how serious you are to a new face. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You appear to be doing a lot of entertaining and faces you have not seen in months are set to put you in a great frame of mind. They have good news, which will directly affect you. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Its the time to start to look to a new career, but before you make your mind up why not look at some new and fresh options, you have the energy you just need the motivation. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont allow friends to talk you into anything different from what you know you want to do. Love matches can be found throughout the coming week. All you have to do is follow your heart. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You finally have the right people around you to take full advantage of your abilities. Just make sure you are getting the best monetary deal though. Research can make all the difference today, my friend. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont bite to an arrogant face in business or theyll think theyve won, the less you say on this day in fact, the better. Your love life is under such lucky influences, concentrate on romance instead. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) I know you havent been able to carry out what you said, but others might be getting the wrong impression. Saturn can offer you sound advice so listen to your gut instincts on this day please.

omeg · May 24, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 24th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Even if you know you feel youre going over old ground, humour your family today please. They have gone out of their way to help you. Jupiter promises good news in your career after 4pm. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont be surprised if you find yourself working some sort of overtime over the coming days as the stars make it imperative for you to know the ins and outs of the deals being made. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Youre being pushed into something you dont want and yet youre still going along with the tide. Take a stand before next week or you may end up having to give up what you really want. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Fun and flirtations make for a really memorable time. Just make sure you know how you really feel before you go any further with a current dalliance. The other party is more serious than you thought. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Something you wanted hasnt panned out as you had hoped, but its far better to back up now than when you lose everything. Besides, the stars are behind you to realise what and who really works. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You cant seem to get someone from your past off of your mind. Aspects indicate that you may be remembering them through rose coloured spectacles. Take them off before you make your final decision. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) There are many people who you want to see and so much work you want to get done, but luckily you have the stars to help you in the many tasks you have set for yourself. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Friends are talking about you. Thats true. Thats only because they care. The Sun favours reconciliations today, so give that face youve fallen out with a call. Theyll be more than thrilled to hear from you. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You are likely to find yourself demonstrating leadership qualities, which will get you recognized by some really important and powerful faces professionally. Dont let confidence turn into arrogance though! It doesnt suit you. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) It is becoming hard for you to tell the difference between love and lust. The evidence, which falls before you today is sure to be all you need to make up your mind, so pay attention. Call now to hear why foreign links are so lucky for you. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Life has not always been easy for a sign such as you. Youre impulsive and emotional and also very lucky. Why? Because what you want youll get, as youll discover if you push the boundaries today. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) There is a fine line between humour and cheek and you are standing on that very line. Could it be that you are using such behaviour as a cover for the true emotions youre denying? Tuesday, May 24, 2011 Learning, n: The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That's all you'll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you'll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate! <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well... <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said The geek shall inherit the earth , but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Beware the toilet plunger of Doom. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope? <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically jiggle a little thingie . While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance... <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.

omeg · May 25, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 25th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Today romance comes under the spotlight and you get the chance to ask for what you want. Its been a while and so you may be out of practice but take full advantage. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Arrogance is not an attractive trait, even though you may disagree. Know how far is too far to go in love tonight. It could be make or break if you dont ensure youre in control. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Dont talk about people that you do not really know. All you are doing is casting yourself and not them in a bad light. Keep conversations of a positive nature and miracles will occur. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Youre going to have to slow down a little. You have spent so much time end energy of late working towards your dreams that you are not leaving yourself with any time to enjoy the view. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You have a lot on your mind so why dont you try dealing with your own issues instead of everyone elses? Focusing on whats most challenging can go in your favour if you do. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Dont be late for tonights plans, friends dont plan on waiting for the walking wounded. A good social interaction is just what you need to put life back into perspective after the last few days. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Theres an air of excitement. You know something big is going to happen you just cant say exactly what it is. This ride you are on is certain to be a memorable one from here on in. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A guilty conscience needs no accuser. Come on my friend sort out the drama that took place last night. There is too much at stake for both parties concerned not to deal head on. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You have much to offer your close ones, so please dont underestimate the value you give to their lives. Neptunes retrograde action is making you unnecessarily paranoid. Try to look at the bigger picture. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Legal links can go in your favour, but honesty is the key to really turning events around. Dont be frightened of what is occurring. The stars suggest its the only way, if youre to obtain closure. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont take what a loved one says the wrong way. Your sense of humour seems to have gone astray. Theyre trying to get you to look at the lighter side of life, nothing more, nothing less. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) A clear conscience can come with a meeting that takes place at this time and clears up more than a few questions you have had on your mind regarding your future. Intriguing new avenues open. Wednesday, May 25, 2011 Only when you have crossed the river can you say that the crocodile has a lump on his snout. Ashanti <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.) <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A romantic episode will take you by surprise. Tip: the important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers, is not to suggest having a fling. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Excellent day to make strange hooting noises, while hiding in the bushes. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud smooching sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they? I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's How To Get Noticed .) <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)...

omeg · May 26, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 26th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) A new chapter to your life is beginning and your friends and close ones may even begin to comment on the more youthful appearance that adorns you. Youve moved on finally and it shows. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You should be able to find out the real story behind last nights theatrics, but let them tell you, dont ask. If you dont, theyll only tell you what they think you want to hear. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Old friends make for good times this week as a surprise announcement gives you reason to make some extravagant plans. In fact its time you sought out where your passport is. Youll need it. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Careful of accusing close ones of things that they wouldnt even dream of doing. Start as you mean to go on and put as much trust in them as you wish for them to have in you. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) An idealistic feel to your week is going to be making it easy for you to mistake lust for love. Just keep a slow pace or you could end up doing something that you will regret. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Encounters forecast for the end of today should give you all of the answers you are seeking. In the meantime, try and sit tight and put some structure into the work matters before you. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Someone you have not seen in a long time is back on your mind for a very important and relevant reason. Youre re opening an important chapter, but this time youre armed with experience and wisdom. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Dont get involved in confrontations if you can help it today, not only will you lose you could also end up messing up the romantic affairs you have put so much time and energy into. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) With the planet mars giving you an edge you really do have the upper hand to solve problems on this day so make sure that you use it to your full advantage. Nothing is impossible. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Family want to know more than youre willing to tell. Because of this fact you could well end up telling them white lies today. Less is more if you have to, remember this please. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) New avenues are opening up, which can help you to obtain goals which last year you were ready to give up on. All you have to do is give a reaction to those offering to help. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Be nice to all that you meet over the coming days, you see you may be meeting people in a social manner that are far more important than you first think and first impressions will count. Thursday, May 26, 2011 I collided with a stationary lorry coming the other way. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a briefcase is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Avoid yodelling today. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags... <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will suddenly realize how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will realize soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs! , you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp! <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You are about to get yourself into a bit of a jam. Strawberry, I think. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon!

omeg · May 27, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 27th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Old friends and colleagues are lucky for you and links to a new career path you must make the jump into. Someone is making arrangements for you without your permission. Stand your ground. Dont be bullied. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Please attempt to put your thoughts into proper sentences before you get branded a baby, which both you and I know not to be true. Asking for what you want offers you some pleasant surprises. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Someone is treading on your toes and a short sharp shock may be in order if you are to avoid a fall out. There is a boundary line, even for faces you know well, isnt there? CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You seem to be so concerned with what other people are doing that you are missing out on all of the things that are occurring in your own life. Love is knocking; its time you took notice of its call. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Stop thinking so deeply about your problems and start to experience and enjoy life instead. The only way youll ever learn what you do or do not want is by living and not talking about things. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Funny to think how very different your life is from this time last year. Part of the reason for this seems to be the very confident character, which has slowly but surely now emerged. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Flirtations turn serious and you find yourself having to lay your cards on the table. You may not have wanted to bear your soul so soon but a certain person needs to know where they stand. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A problem in the home could see you running to a friend for advice. Make sure the final answer is yours and yours alone. Doing so will help you ensure your plans are long term ones. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You thought you could get away with the shortcuts you have recently found so irresistible not to take at work but a superior face is beginning to notice. Time to show your professional side. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You may have to work harder than usual on this day in order to meet a very important deadline. You can do it, especially since you have overcome a personal dilemma that was affecting you. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Acknowledge how far is too far to go when playing games in love. If you are not careful you are going to make a certain person think you are not serious. But you are, arent you Aquarius? PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Make sure you dress your best as new and compatible faces are emerging from the woodwork throughout the coming week. Use your ability to mix so well with people to step up the career ladder today. Friday, May 27, 2011 There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written. -- Oscar Wilde <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think! <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Uh oh. Bursting into song day , again. Your friends will avoid you. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good time to become involved in a secret plot to overthrow someone or something. Personally, I think your best bet is to start small. You can pick up some tips in Overthrowing Things For Fun And Profit by Kwan No, M.D., Ph.D. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Uh oh. Bursting into song day , again. Your friends will avoid you. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it! <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to The Mongol Horde , you might take notice.

omeg · May 28, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 28th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Youre holding a bit of a grudge against someone who has done something that has left you with the short end of the straw. Listen, dont talk today and youll discover they are friend not foe? TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You never have relished arguments. You prefer others just to know you are right and to accept it. It would seem though my friend that you can gain much by compromise and peace talks today. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Could it possibly be you dont like having the responsibilities you took so much pride in complaining about taken away from you? Make friends with the great aspects today offers for success. I hope not. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) An improved attitude from a close one is going to give you plenty of reasons to celebrate. In fact there is much for you to look forward to over the coming few days I can assure you. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Taking risky chances in love will seem like the most natural thing in the world to you recently. Careful though my friend, a slow pace is sure to prove far more lasting in the long run. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Try to laugh at any setbacks that occur today and you will come out the winner, my friend. A sense of humour can help soften those around you and can also reveal what really happened. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Look around you right now. Life is good and so are your chances of romance and passion. All you have to do is decide what you want, a question youve asked everyone but yourself. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Someone you thought you could trust in business has let you down, but dont worry as those watching can see that it was not your mistake. Mars brings travel and work together successfully. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You finally get pay back for the hard work and patience youve had to have in life of late. Its been a long time coming but youre about to take things to the next level. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Dont spread gossip, or it will come back on you. Stick to the facts or better still work on your own life this week. Broken relationships can be mended if you focus on whats important. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youre talking for the sake of it today and in the process youre in danger of revealing some secrets, which are not actually yours to share. Children should bring good news albeit very surprising. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You have a secret you know you shouldnt reveal and yet its burning away inside of you. Careful. Your stars indicate you will regret it in the morning. Reflection is good for your soul today. Saturday, May 28, 2011 Twice: Once too often. Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting Hark! however. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderately embarrassing. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Stinky feet day, today. Don't go to a Japanese restaurant.

omeg · May 29, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 29th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) This week sees you mixing with old faces. Youre sure to discover much information, which can fill in the missing blanks, and questions I just know youve had burning away inside of you recently. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your need for freedom sees you asking for things you dont want. You want a commitment, but youre afraid of it. You want time on your own but dont want to be alone? Clarity requires communication. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) There doesnt seem to be enough hours in the day for you recently to complete all you have on your agenda. You could always try writing down a game plan. Seeing your ideas on paper brings clarity. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Its easy to see why you are taking such a dramatic stance on the events from the weekend but be careful that you are not the one who is blamed for what went wrong. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) It seems that you have earned yourself some enemies in business. All you have to ask yourself is whether what you did what was professional or unprofessional and youll find your answers you seek. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) The stars line up to make life more difficult for you. Try to stop life being so confusing? Deal with one thing at a time today instead of several is a good place to start. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You wake up with a fresh perspective and you get the chance to see where youve been going wrong. Putting yourself first is no longer an option; its your only choice. Youve raised the stakes! SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) If you play games then youre going to have to accept the fact that you are going to get your fingers burnt. Tell it as it is and youll be in for a very pleasant surprise. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Understanding what happened in the past is your key to understanding what you need from your future. Youre reaching a more comfortable place in your life and decisions you make tonight confirm this fact to you. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Slow your pace and take in the view. Aspects indicate youre not allowing yourself time to breathe, let alone enjoy all that you have achieved. Doing so, will take you on to the next exciting stage. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) When you have freedom you dont want it and when you dont, you feel trapped. How do you get out of this rut? Accept no one will ever own you. Let things take their natural course. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You can no longer live with a lie you have been telling, but once you come clean to close ones youll see that it doesnt seem half as bad to others as it did to you. I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so. -- Stephen Leacock (1869-1944) <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Try to work the words happenstance and ineffable into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word ineffable in it. Such as that one. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say Hay! <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named Yeomen of the Carbuncle , although you'll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called Yeopersons of the Carbuncle . <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Hide. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial E. will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation

omeg · May 30, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 30th May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Today sees you discover who your true friends are. You may be surprised when you find out though, as phone calls and texts are about to prove. Contracts and letters promise new careers and better finances. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You must not worry so much what other people think of you, especially when you are so close to acquiring a long held dream. People you meet right now offer you some excellent career prospects. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) I know you have not been feeling as strong as you should. I also know youve taken on not just your own worries, but close ones too. Delegate, theres more than just you responsible for current dramas. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Gossip could be exciting to listen to, but it could be your downfall if you repeat it Cancer. Think how you would feel, if the boot were on the other foot. Constructive words bring new friends. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Doing favours for family this week can help you get back on track and can help put the recent pressures and problems behind you both for good. E-mails and communications offer new career paths. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) The stars line up to encourage you to overindulge. However I have a feeling that youre feeling pretty tired out. You need to take some time out to recharge your batteries, big romantic events await. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Youve had a strange sense of humour recently but youre finding it hard for others to get the joke. Romance saves the day though as a long waited trip finally shows signs of coming around. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Knowing what you want from a close one before you sit down and talk to them about your future can save you a lot of embarrassment. Better admit the truth than do what is expected surely? SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Keep out of arguments that dont concern you or you could end up as piggy in the middle in a drama which you dont need in your life at this time. Phone calls offer exciting travel. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Dont rush the new relationships in your life but slow your pace and enjoy the view. It makes a change for you to be on the receiving end of seduction for a change. Enjoy it. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Saturn is trying to teach you lessons, but you seem to be more intent on getting involved in everyone elses problems. Could this be because the truth hurts? It wont if you listen to todays facts. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Pay attention to detail with your work today. It is the little things which you dont pay attention to which could end up costing you, both financially and professionally. Texts bring revelations regarding romance. Monday, May 30, 2011 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. Jeff Valdez <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Noodle day #2! The Revenge Of The Noodle. Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for szechuan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease? <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say nothing succeeds like success must have sounded like a real idiot. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud smooching sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they? I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, I'll never be hungry again! <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.) <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Too much musk in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.

omeg · May 31, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 31st May ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Arguments with your loved ones must be sorted out, reasons for which become apparent today. Stop fighting your feelings and lay your cards on the table. Communication can and will bring you closer together. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) The need to make your mark in the professional world could see you travelling out of your way. You may even give up your personal time to do so. The rewards are worth every effort. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Be prepared to have to put in some sort of overtime as aspects indicate it is time for you to show how good you are at working as part of a team. Rewards come next month. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You think you have let down a close one with the refusal to support them or go ahead with their plans, but at least you were honest and have acted from the heart. Dont be bullied. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Make sure you agree to talk out that problem you stumbled upon in love before this weekend is over. The solution is easier than you had thought. Wear yellow for power in family issues. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You may have difficulty explaining what youve decided to a family member, but in time youll know that you did the right thing. Look out for romantic opportunities due a last minute change of events. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) It may be hard for you to tell the difference between love and lust. Take some time away from the situation which is fast taking you over in order to ask yourself some all-important questions. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Dont believe the rumours you will be hearing today. You would be far wiser to concentrate on getting what you had planned done. The sense of achievement is sure to put you ahead of these games. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Youre much stronger now than you were this time last year and close ones may comment on how far youve come. Dont take a step back now. Going back to the past cannot be an option. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Thanks to the planets finally deciding to help you out, you are able to find the shortcuts that you need to take advantage of your career and to get the advantages out of your career. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Is what you want, what you really desire, or do you really just want to see if you can get the unobtainable? You need to work this out before Thursday when events could be irreversible. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) The events, which have transpired in your life, have made you more than a little exhausted recently. Use tonight to sit down and write a list of your priorities, the results may surprise you. Tuesday, May 31, 2011 Good things come to those who wait, but not to those who wait too late. -- Bill Withers <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you Sven. Humor them -- act impressed. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will receive a Dear John letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't John. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That's not something you should try to deal with yourself -- call in the professionals. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a squid fling. Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they? <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that.

omeg · Jun 1, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 1st June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You are missing someone you think you want back in your life. You dont miss them; you miss the familiarity that they brought. The sooner you get out there and start living life, the sooner youll regain your sanity. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Todays new moon is sure to see you coming up with plenty of new ideas to old problems. Its going to be easier than ever for you to put the past behind you my friend. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Youre not happy about certain things but that doesnt mean that you should lie down and allow bad things to happen. Good things will happen if you jump in the driving seat and stop being a passenger to lifes events. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Your ruling planet the Moon places a naughty feel to your day where youll be tempted to say the wrong thing to get a reaction. A fresh start with a face you care about more than youve admitted is offered after 3pm. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Try not to argue with family. You know with certain members in your circle you can never win, in fact silence is your best weapon as today can prove if you will let it. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Fellow Virgos hold the key to you tying up a financial matter in the time that is required. Changes in the home will be on your mind but make sure you talk to and not at the person it would also involve. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Nobody has looked sadly on a life full of experiences, but many look back wishing they had had the courage to do more. Move through this current drama with your head held high. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) An extra special week, as you look back on what has been an extraordinary year. You didnt start off this year being proud of your actions, but youll end this month with your head held high. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Look in your diary and ask around. Something important is happening and if youre not careful youre going to miss it. Maybe its a birthday or a wedding but whatever it is you need to be there. Fate is relying on you. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Dont be too quick to tell tales on colleagues. Youre going to need some support of your own with the dramatics that are going to be coming your way next week. Aries need a favour, which only you can give. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont let the stars push you into a confrontation today. If you cant say something nice then say nothing at all or you could end up being blamed for things that were not your fault. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) The solar eclipse is trine to Saturn and Libra and means that you get back on track with all of the faces you have fallen out with over recent weeks. Not so sure about that Gemini though! Wednesday, June 01, 2011 Indecision is the key to flexibility. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It's your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as port and starboard. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) While attending a sance just for fun , you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs! , you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You need to get more exercise, but can't tear yourself away from the computer. Do what I do: glue your keyboard to the ceiling, and get yourself a mini-trampoline!

omeg · Jun 2, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 2nd June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Events, which spice up your life, are shocking even the most dramatic of your friends. Just make sure you know how far is too far or you could be in danger of losing the respect and support of a family member. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You have got to try to use your current ideas. Not only can you create a better future for yourself, but you can also clear up a past issue, which has never really left your mind. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You can love someone, but that doesnt mean you will necessarily like him or her all the time. You may want to concentrate on what is important to you rather than getting involved in petty squabbles this week. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Your need to spend these summer evenings with a certain someone, could see you telling white lies to a family member. This proves to me youre hooked, now its just time for you to admit so! LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) This is a day to give your close ones the benefit of the doubt. A harsh attitude from you has left your loved ones very little room to even compromise. Talks after 4pm bring clarity. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) The way youre thinking about your life at the moment has changed from how you would usually figure things out. You know what, I like it! Keep on this path its the road to success. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You need to get out and blow off some steam. Youve had a lot on your mind. Dont make things worse though by acting in a manner, which you and I know you will regret. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Youre back to your old self arent you? Ive missed you and Im glad youre over the drama, which I know took so much out of you. Fellow Scorpios show you good times if you dare! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) The transits see you in two minds as to what you should do with your life. Why bother asking? Youll know what you want when you see it. Relax and start enjoying the appealing new view coming. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Check your mail today please. Important documents will soon be coming your way, which can make your life a better place to be. Financial meetings also go well on this day, so plan accordingly. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You need to make some more time to get more exercise and fresh air or rearrange your routine to fit these in. Make sure you get enough rest. Events are coming that will require energy. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Take time out of your busy schedule to examine the facts, much can be learnt from looking at last months dramas and events. In fact both money and love can benefit today if you do. Thursday, June 02, 2011 Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to doodle. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) It's time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead? <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) This might be a good time to recontextualize your imponderables. If you know what I mean. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localised anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighbourhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinoceros is another matter. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making Ark! Ark! sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know - those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.

omeg · Jun 3, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 3rd June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Oh my, I bet you cant believe that June has arrived already! You still havent got over the events from April and May yet, have you? Phone calls received this week proved you made good choices. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) There is an air of excitement in the family. Someones planning something and its giving you reason to take stock of life. Only problem is you need to take off those blinkers to see your true choices. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Youre finding a family member difficult to handle, but it would appear from the stars that for once youre dealing with someone even more stubborn than you. Meet them half way and get this over with. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) A new challenge is before you. Dont hesitate; go for it. Be careful of the financial temptations that present themselves today. Gambles and speculations are not all they first seem. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Think about what you want and not just what would make everyone else happy. You may think that they know you inside and out but conversations that take place today and tomorrow prove otherwise. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Gossip, which is circulating in your circle at this time, is unlikely to be true. Try not to repeat what you hear, no matter how juicy certain information seems. Wear red for power in family issues. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Taking your time when talking about delicate issues is the key to both sides understanding where theyre going and how you both really feel. Run ins with people from your past prove most informative. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You finally look forward to happier times with your close ones, as you focus on the good, not the bad, in your relationships. Its taken a long time to come to this place, but youve finally arrived. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Money owed must be paid out if youre to keep your pride. You want control of close ones finances too, but if you think that this will endear them to you then think again. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Mercury is pushing you to make a change that may not be in your best interests. You can afford to take things slow, ensure you do. Dress well. Theres a face youll want to impress. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youre tired of doing a certain something, but you dont quite know how to get out of it. Aspects suggest that in a few weeks time, you can, so try not to arrange anything too drastic. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Loose ends that you have left must be tied up before today is over so you can be free to concentrate on organising your personal life, and getting the people you want to spend your time with. Friday, June 03, 2011 Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. Mariah Carey <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that tingles would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends! <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign... <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good day to count your blessings. Both of them. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! A Comparative Study of Invertebrate Parasites is not likely to be published. But A Bucket Full Of Leeches ? Now that's another story. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Beware of Doug. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior , and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you.

Mben · Jun 9, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 9th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You should know by now you're a born leader, meant to break down social barriers and impress new faces immediately, but when it comes to love you seem to go all shy, not tonight though! TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Friends are going to be making the effort to meet up with you. Bear in mind though, that if you continue to make excuses for much longer, they may give up altogether! Make the extra effort. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Everyone seems to be in a rush today, including you. Try not to push a close one for a change you want. Time is your best friend in talking them round. Demands on your time by a Scorpio come with a hidden agenda. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) We are all entitled to make mistakes. The only difference is that you tend to give yourself a hard time and yet you're more than willing to forgive your close ones the same sort of misdemeanours. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Help from the planet Mars helps you make up your mind over a matter, which has had you in a state of confusion since the beginning of the year. The only tricky part now is letting a close one know of the decision you've made. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You can't seem to get a certain someone off of your mind. What you don't yet realise though is that you can afford to raise the stakes as you actually hold more aces than you know. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) The new places that you visit for your work open many doors for you. You have made a lot of new friends and possibilities are now before you, which were previously not an option. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Jupiter helps you to push the limits and get more from your career. What you want you can have plus more, especially if you're willing to act on your impulses today. Geminis try to part you and your cash. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) It's time to see the face you've been avoiding and to work out where you go from here. I bet they'll even admit that they've missed you as much as you've missed them. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Try to avoid pessimists; this negativity can be catching. You have the right ingredients in your life you just need a better mixing technique. Fellow Libran's are on hand today to give you a very valuable lesson. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Self-trust is the first secret of success. You may think you don't know what you're doing but by showing confidence you can convince others and learn on your way. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) A change to the way you thought your day was going to be should prove interesting and fun. Nothing is what it seems in love though so avoid making hasty decisions before you have seen all the facts.

omeg · Jun 10, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 10th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Its an excellent time to meet important faces and talk business. Youve had a lot of family pressures recently but you are now turning a corner to a much more successful time in your life. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You are about to be cast in the role of student. Your mind is alert and ready for learning. Just make sure you choose something, which can benefit you achieving what you want, and not others. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Plans of travel are unlikely to go as planned so leave your self with plenty of extra time and take some emergency funds. If you can plan for the unexpected then you should be able to outwit the mischievousness of the stars. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Lies you have told come back on you and it may be time to hold your hands up and admit where you went wrong. Truth be told though, a sense of humour can help you win supporters, especially after 3pm. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You are going to be more than a little tempted to do something you shouldnt. In fact if someone says black youll say white. This rebellious mood links to a family issue you need to resolve before tomorrow. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You seem to be running late with your work and this may well be due to the new and improved air that your love life has taken on of late. Proposals await some of your sign! LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Silly arguments with close ones are making your life more stressful than it should be. Take some time out and step back and look at the bigger picture. Youll soon see that theirs more to life my friend. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Fresh views of old problems help you get through this month with a clear conscience. Virgos hold the key to changes you need to make in your personal life, the beginnings to which you witness tonight. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Of course you feel dizzy youve been through a lot recently and you havent stopped to come up for breath. Use the coming days to do something relaxing. By recharging your batteries you can make a hard month into a terrific one. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Expect the unexpected and you will still be in for a surprise today. Venus stops playing games and youre given the chance to say how you feel. Tell it as it is even if it means risking your pride. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont talk about people that arent around to stick up for them selves or you will cast yourself in an unfair light. New faces in your life can offer you the breath of fresh air youve needed and can help you lay the past to rest for good. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Mercury isnt making life as black and white as youd like. What close ones say one minute seems to mean nothing to their memories the next. Bear this in mind and have a back up plan. Friday, June 10, 2011 Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, _The Little Prince_ <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will bolt up from your bed, grinning like a maniac, and shout labor omnia vincit! (the motto of Oklahoma) in ringing heroic tones. This could be the start of something interesting... <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You'll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A person named Elmo will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the Big Band theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call Tuba Ensemble . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Dogs barking. Can't fly without umbrella. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.

omeg · Jun 11, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 11th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Mercury may push changes that are neither necessary nor beneficial to your life. The number 2 is lucky for you this week and links to a difficult family member who needs a new approach. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont expect too much help in sorting out problems at home. This is in many ways a do it yourself day. Moaning wont help. To get information, go straight to the person concerned, not their friends. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You think you have no way out of the emotional crisis, which seems to have befallen you but I can tell you that you are wrong. Success is yours if you arrange that face to face. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Its time to make up or break up with the face that has monopolised your thoughts of late. Youre obviously hooked though or you wouldnt be so bothered! Be nice to Leos they hold the key to promotions this month. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) People who know you well would still say they dont really know you, as youre so hard to predict. Youll surprise even yourself today though as you realise you now want a change this time last year youd have run a mile from. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Something new you have recently acquired speaks volumes about the direction your life is now going in. This would be a good day to sit down and do some sums so you can work out what and who should be your priority. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Some sort of a project that you have been working on finally shows signs of completion. Its been a battle but youve come out of it triumphant my friend. Taureans reveal a life changing secret. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Promises you make at this time may be harder to keep than you think. Careful Scorpio, certain faces may not be as forgiving as you think and youd be wise to commit to as little as possible until youve seen what events unfold this week. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Try to keep in the good books of Geminis, they have the contacts required to open those all-important doors, but they also know how to make you laugh as well, so seek them out. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Please go easy on yourself. You and I know that your emotions have been working overtime, as well as your imagination. You wont know the real facts unless you ask questions, so start talking. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Something you have recently started doing is showing signs of turning into a habit and a bad one at that. Nip it in the bud while you still have the power to take control Aquarius. Good news in your career brings surprise. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Try to get rid of the destructive relationship which has been affecting your life and eating away at your self-confidence. Why surround yourself with negative when you could have positive. Saturday, June 11, 2011 If you cry forward, you must without fail make plain in what direction to go. Anton Chekhov <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it's good to make them feel special once in a while. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Beware of Doug. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You look rediculous in that. Go and change. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call? <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You've been getting tired of the same old look , day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!

omeg · Jun 12, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 12th June ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Mars, Mercury and Venus help you find out what really did or did not go on over the last few days. Just remember that if you forgive you may also be forgiven, dont you think Aries? TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You dont know what to do about a difficult family member going out of their way to make sure they ruin the plans you had made for the coming weeks. Distance is your key for now. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Some interesting information comes to light, which helps explain the actions of a close one who has been acting a little strange. Financial wheels are set in motion that should delight you. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Foreign influences are at work. You may be considering going on holiday or contacting someone that youve met from abroad. Virgos can keep any secrets you have wanted to share if you can find the courage. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) A rather complicated situation arises which may cause you to take sides. A link with the past brings back a lot of memories best forgotten. Romance is highlighted and this should be a time of fantastic developments. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Visiting places from your past brings back vivid memories and makes it hard for you to look forward. A new face is about to change what you want out of life. Get ready, and eyes forward. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) It is as if a big burden is lifted and you are feeling much more relaxed and light-hearted. A big change, possibly abroad is becoming more and more likely. A Virgos words must be ignored. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You can now do what you want, when you want. So why then are you still thinking of the influence that puts such chains on you? Confidence is the magic tool to the next step forward. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Education, schools and learning all come to the fore and you are faced with an important decision about what you really want out of your life. Past business contacts help you save time and reputation. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Your present situation comes with a lot of difficulties and one of the greatest challenges you face right now is working out how to talk to a loved one. Todays aspects give you powers of persuasion. Use them well. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Try to have tact when talking to friends about the past. Many of the signs are feeling more vulnerable than you realise and you could end up doing more harm than good. Librans prove helpful in delicate family issues. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You can say that you dont understand a loved one but they probably dont understand you recently with the very mixed messages youve been giving out. Plans of travel require commitment. Dont offer if you cant honour. Sunday, June 12, 2011 Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead. -- James Thurber <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce sir as sair , you can answer a lot of questions with either yes air or nose hair. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under Music, Instruction and under Cavorting, Instruction . Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You'll find more, and very interesting , uses for cocktail umbrellas today. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose , told from the point of view of your cat, Erik. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You've been trying to sell your car, and it just isn't going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the Millenium Falcon . My passengers often become irritated at being called Chewie , though. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an evil laugh and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.

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