Daily Horoscopes....

omeg · Feb 9, 2011

</h1> <a></a> Daily Horoscopes brought to you by Cosmopolitan </h1> <a href="/sex-love/"></a>(These are geared for the ladies today gang...) aries March 21 - April 20 </h3>Venus says to include a nutritious diet in your fitness regimen to ensure that youre as healthy inside as you are hot outside. taurus </h1>April 21 - May 21 </h3>Independent Mercury wants you to ask for something youre craving. Whether its more together-time with your man or a more responsibility at work, voicing your desires gets positive results. gemini </h1>May 22 - June 23 </h3>Vacillating Neptune could have you questioning whether youre skilled enough to tackle a complicated task. Dont underestimate yourself, you can do it. cancer </h1>June 24 - July 22 </h3>Dont let minor annoyances ruin your day under exasperating Mars. If you feel cranky, step away from your desk for a few minutes to clear your head. leo </h1>July 23 - August 23 </h3>You love to be impulsive. Consider accepting a blind date, or get frisky in public with your man. virgo </h1>August 24 - September 22 </h3>Single? A conversation with a funny guy could give you butterflies. Attached? Its a good day to calmly discuss one of his annoying habits thats starting to drive you crazy. libra </h1>September 23 - October 23 </h3>Jealous Mars stirs up competition. Single? You and a pal could vie for the same guy. The stars say hes better matched to you. Attached? One of his coworkers could try to get chummy. scorpio </h1>October 24 - November 21 </h3>The stars say not to neglect your artsy side. Catch a concert or drop by a gallery opening. sagittarius </h1>November 22 - December 21 </h3>You usually have a dozen goals floating in your head but go-getting Venus says that focusing on the one you want most right now can bring success faster than you can imagine. capricorn </h1>December 22 - January 20 </h3>Youre the Diva! Make yourself happy and buy a trinket or two today. aquarius </h1>January 21 - February 18 </h3>Double-check your bosss appointments. She could have overlooked a project due date, and you could save the day (and her butt). pisces </h1>February 19 - March 20 </h3>Thanks to erratic Uranus, a chums BF might hit on you or you could fantasize about a married coworker. Use your insight to set him (and yourself) straight. Its SO not worth it. </h2>Wednesday, February 09, 2011 When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover a hair growing in an odd place. Don't worry about it, unless the odd place is your eye. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way! <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say To Friends, Old and New! ) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You've been getting tired of the same old look , day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!

omeg · Feb 10, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 10th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)This is the perfect time to start any long-term projects you have been mulling over. You are currently laying the foundations for some really important issues and life should start to feel really good again. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Recently youve been trying to do so much that you have neglected the little things in your life. Call close ones and let them know you havent forgotten them. Their response will be reward enough. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Love can provide you with plenty of fun as well as a new side to a close one shows that you made the right choice, no matter what obstacles the last month has thrown your way. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Old contacts save the day both personally and professionally. Youve come a long way in the last month and youve put in a lot of hard work. Today it all pays off in your favour. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Many of your sign are presently coming out of relationships but dont look back, the future looks good so stand by what you have said. Talking through problems on this day can also build important bridges.VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)You know you always insist on playing devils advocate so why deny that you are trying to be controversial. Admitting this can help you find out the real story about recent events that have occurred. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)If you could stop trying so hard to impress the world then you would soon see that you have already managed to impress the most important person. Time to admit, what I already know. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You may regret your recent actions but without experience how are you supposed to learn? Dont be so hard on yourself but cut yourself some slack. Many miracles are possible if you do. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)There was a time when you could forgive a friend that has lied to you but patience is wearing thin with their fun and games. Youve grown apart, but continue to do so with grace please. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)You may find it hard not to fall out with a face youve never truly seen eye to eye with. Resist, as the planets may place you in the role of instigator even if youre not. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Capricorns link to intrigue at lunchtime, which involves you in some way. The best approach to new relationships in your life, both business and personal, are for you to start being yourself and success will follow. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)You are not exactly known for your patience recently, are you my friend? Why dont you try asking the question burning away inside you? Well all be happier once you do. </h2>Thursday, February 10, 2011 Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You may even go so far as to send a letter to Miss Manners, which begins: Uh, Yo: (Well, that's how Sylvester Stallone starts all his correspondence, right?) <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs! , you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name Throckmorton. (The plant, not the office. Obviously, Throckmorton is a completely inappropriate name for an office. Wiggins is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.) <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be The Screaming Weasels. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce sir as sair , you can answer a lot of questions with either yes air or nose hair. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will be mooned by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be The Screaming Weasels . <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a loan piranha , at first.

omeg · Feb 11, 2011

</h2>Friday, February 11, 2011 Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as classic rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the big elbow look. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) This will be one of those days , I'm afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole... <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Following up on your accidental observation of the sock dimension (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That's all you'll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you'll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate! <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Good time to start work on that screenplay. It won't sell, of course, but there's nothing like trying something new to find out how much harder it is than it looks. Of course, any parent can tell you that. ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)If a loved one wanted a change so badly that you couldnt imagine them being happy without it, of course you have to consider it. But consider too, if you know it will make you utterly miserable. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Commitments are being made in love, which can change the course of your life, so make sure you think with both your head and your heart and dont be led by friends or family. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)You may not realise it but you will be spouting riddles. The moon puts you in the limelight and you can be sure this week will be an entertaining one to say the least. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)With the Sun, Mercury, Mars and Neptune in Aquarius, youll soon have your party head on. Just make sure you make a mental note sooner rather than later of how far is too far too go! LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Make time to work out where it is you want to be in life and what your dreams and ambitions are, its easy with the attention around to mistake others wishes for your own. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)You need real answers and they can only be found by surpassing game playing and going for the mature approach. By that same token dont get a friend to do your dirty work in love tonight. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)You may think that you have to cope on your own but you actually have far more friends and supporters than you think. Dont shut close ones out but tell them about how youre really feeling. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Phone calls you make today link to shortcuts in a business deal thats sure to prove lucrative and fun. You can be sure that you will be hearing some very pleasing news from your close ones too. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Love is in the air for many of your sign. Youre starting to realise that you have choices in life. You come out of this week a wiser and happier person and about time too. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)You find yourself questioning your job, as you try to work out just where your true talents lie. Dont make any changes just yet though. There is far more to be gained by biding your time. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)You never were a sign to do anything by halves but this time youre taking the biscuit. If youre not careful youre going to cast yourself in a selfish light, so think before you act. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)You should find much pleasure in life at this time but not everyone around you will be sharing your zest for life. Beware jealous faces trying to make you feel bad. Ignore them and dont bite.

omeg · Feb 12, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 12th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Glad tidings in love come your way after dark throughout this week thanks to the lovely persuasion of Venus. What you want you can get. All you have to do is decide exactly what that is. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)A new set of friends comes into your life just as an old set is leaving. Dont feel you have to tell white lies in order to impress them; theyll like you just as you are. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Long distance travel and romantic beginnings go hand in hand from today. What you thought could not be yours can be. The power of positive thinking can and will see miracles occur in your life. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Librans know what to say to sweet talk you into their ideas, but careful if it involves your own funds, you may not get them back as soon as they say. Love links to texts coming. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Someone appears to be playing a very mean game. They give you the impression that they want you and then they back off. Its time to raise the stakes. You know youre worth it, dont you? VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)New ways to impress a family member come with a perk you are set to receive in your job. Life starts to get exciting and you start to realise that you are destined for great things. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)There is an air of mystery about your life at this time and I would not be surprised if some of you were on the verge of receiving some very intriguing proposals; a memorable time indeed. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Neither your money nor your time seems to be your own. This is because youve allowed a certain person to tell you exactly what you can and cannot do with your life. Time to take a stand. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)The planetary set up is going to be giving you plenty of opportunity to mix with people that you have long wanted to get to know on a more intimate level. This is your time! CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Dont believe all you hear about a family member, you would be far better off to give them the benefit of the doubt. It wasnt so long ago that you were being accused unfairly, was it? AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)You have your heart set on getting some time alone with a close one. Theres a certain amount of guilt in your chart but the reasons for this are not yet clear. Conversations today explain all. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Theres no fool like an old fool. When it comes to love, youre a sucker for a sob story. You like to help people that are weaker than you. Raise your standards, while you still can. </h2>Saturday, February 12, 2011 For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on car rooftop. Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea) <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. Executive Grunge , you'll call it. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won't tell anyone. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Not a good time to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, what's this sudden egg thing about, anyway? Perhaps you should see someone. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will notice an odd stone egg in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will have a visit from The Scourge of Valderia. He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustiness. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, Giggles . <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? Happy Good! Me Like Happy!

omeg · Feb 13, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 13th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)It would seem that someone from your past is not yet ready to let go of you. With this in mind be careful that you are not absentmindedly leading someone on recently please. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)The planet Mercury can give you the strength you require to remedy a romantic situation, so use it to your full advantage. Be nice to Sagittarians, they can do much to enhance your career. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)The planet Saturn is getting ready to offer you his support in matters youre usually ready to shy away from. Heads up Gemini, from here on in, there is a future worth heading towards. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Let go of the monetary worries you are having and try to put your thoughts to ways of increasing your funds instead of worrying so much about what you don't have. Its the only way forward. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)You can be sure this is one month where youll find out who are your real friends. This is a good thing not bad though as events from the 18th onwards are sure to prove. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)A family member puts pressure on you and for once you should stand your ground. The planets cast you in a gullible light, which you must not bow down to, even when pushed. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Dont think that you can use your very persuasive nature to get close ones to see your point of view today. The planets are making the majority of us more stubborn than usual, so beware. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)An opportunity to show how professional you can be to superiors may mean you giving up some of your spare time for no immediate reward. Do it. It should be the springboard youve been waiting for. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)You may have thought that your actions over the last few days and weeks have been subtle but you could not be more wrong. Be prepared to stand up for what or whom youve chosen. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Dont judge a book by its cover. Leave any opinions you may feel like casting until youve seen what tonights very dramatic line up is intent on showing you. Youll be pleasantly surprised if you do. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Maybe it is just the thought of change itself that is scaring you. Think things through properly this week before answering. Communication offers clarity and peace of mind. Phone calls can make you money today. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Fresh new ways to get on with your close ones make for a refreshing week. You thought you could not get over a certain problem but you were wrong and events today should prove this fact. </h2>Sunday, February 13, 2011 You know nothing for sure...except the fact that you know nothing for sure. JFK <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will soon learn to fear and loath the word diaper. Don't know why. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a mountain-person ? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You're in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Excellent time to make up your own names for kitchen implements. You'll discover that you don't have nearly enough sticklers, but that you have every reason to be proud of your flatula. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will discover a horror almost beyond imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call? <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscenti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.

omeg · Feb 14, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 14th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)This is sure to be one Valentines Day that will prove memorable. Just make sure you wait for others to talk before you do. Youre likely to be in for a pleasant surprise if you do. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Temptation is strong and wills are weak. Jupiter makes for an interesting week when therell be many an open mouth from the actions you will all be taking. Just make sure theyre ones youre proud of. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Try to find a more diplomatic way of sorting out the differences that a loved one and you are experiencing. Is what they want such a sacrifice for you to make? Only you can answer this. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)We all come to the end of our patience and a close one is on the borderline so say sorry before its too late and so you can get on with the good times on offer. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Your love life is getting more and more confusing by the day but luckily for you there is a touch of humour about all that is occurring. Dont let down a friend that you know is relying on you this week. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Dont turn down the opportunity to sit down and talk to loved ones about where you see yourself in time to come. If they dont know then they cannot help you when the time comes. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Its going to be hard for you to get or give a straight answer to questions asked today. Dont allow yourself to get stressed. Whatever setbacks youre faced with, you can make up for next week. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Talk through the way you are feeling with a close one or you are going to give them the impression you are acting irrationally. Youve thought about this change for a long time though, havent you? SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)I am not normally one to advocate games but it may be to your advantage to back off so a certain person may see what they are missing. Phone calls sort out those finances after 5pm. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)You dont mean to tell people what to do, its just that you can see from the outside the obvious answers which others cant. Favours you do in business today stand you in good stead. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Youve placed so much importance into the petty matters that you have been missing out on the fun events that have been occurring. Let your hair down. The impossible is possible tonight if you do. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)An experience you have recently been through has affected you more than you are admitting. Talking to a close one about how you feel can half your problem, so take the first step, today. </h2>Monday, February 14, 2011 Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditional <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won't be quite able to put your finger on what's wrong. You haven't been that flexible in years. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!? <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Beware of partaking in Zoroastrian rituals, today. Particularly if you're not entirely certain what's involved. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help? <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will send away for the pamphlet titled The Manly Art Of Knitting , today, but sadly, it will be out of print. You should check with a rare books merchant. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) So. You let your mole plants die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) The currency crisis in Russia will continue to trouble you. The next time you have a dream in which you are told by your old Uncle Max to invest all your money in a canned borsht factory in Leningrad, you might stop to consider the alternatives. I hear that mutual funds can be nice, for example.

omeg · Feb 15, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 15th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Its time you pushed for more; your close ones are more than willing to give it. This is a great day to talk intimately to close ones about how you see your life together working out. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Wait twenty-four hours before signing any contracts or you could be missing out on getting a chance to see what the bigger picture is. New work avenues bring out your more passionate side. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Youve been running on empty and its time to put yourself first. After all, if you dont make yourself a priority, why should anyone else? Make that call and put yourself out of your misery. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)You may be finding it hard to get family members to fit in with your plans as you had hoped but there is much you can do to improve your chances of changing their mind today. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Youre not getting answers from a close one. Start off by backing off and giving them time to think. In fact my friend, the stars suggest it will be your recipe for success if you do. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Its not been an easy few weeks for you and I can see there have been some hard lessons learned. Youve come out the other side now. All you have to do is realise this fact! LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)You seem to be intent on investing into something that although you see as your future, your close ones see as a waste of time. Keep sight of your dreams, you can prove them all wrong. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You are the sign first being affected by the current line up, which promises us all action, drama and intrigue. The only worry I have is you seem to be the main star in this production. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Don't worry about a minor upset happening in your love life. If you're truthful you will admit that you have both been more than a little touchy, and you both want to make up. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)New friends offer new places to go. Life starts to feel more fulfilling. You start to get back to the character I know and love. Talk of marriage comes with gossip linking to an unlikely pairing. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)You are due an apology. How they give it to you could well be different to how you had imagined. I would urge you to accept what is given; its taken more courage than you know. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Arguments find successful solutions if dealt with today. Your mind seems to be set on taking a certain action about a close one but please just make sure you have all the facts before you act. </h2>Tuesday, February 15, 2011 Sinners may reform, but stupid is forever. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, nothing will play a very large part in your future. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote Hey nonny, nonny , in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery... <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbour's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbour is the Energizer Bunny. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to never look a gift horse in either end . <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.

omeg · Feb 16, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 16th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)You have been spending more and more time with a certain face and its been having a really profound effect on how you view your future. Big decisions loom and youre finally in the driving seat. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Look around you then you should see that you are finally starting to mix with some new and very varied groups of friends. This is just what you wanted last month in fact, but you were unable to get. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)You are thinking more about your appearance, and some of you may even make the effort today to keep up some sort of a personal fitness regime. Rumours regarding love arent true. Ignore them. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)You are finding it hard to say what you know is the right thing, and a mischievous mood could get you into all sorts of trouble. Making that phone call can get you off this giddy mood. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Current aspects indicate that one good blow out will be needed if you are to ever get back the passion which has been sacrificed for what you now see as a futile argument. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)It would appear a certain friend is affecting the way you act, and it is time to take a stand. The best advice comes your way via a Scorpio, who knows more than youd thought. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Old business contacts hold the key to you sorting out difficult work matters before the week is out. Working hard at this time can make up for the lost time you suffered earlier in the month. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)The planets fill you with plenty of confidence and with the kind of offers you have falling at your feet, it is going to be very difficult for you to get bored. Mischief however is guaranteed. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Forced changes end up being to your benefit. How funny to think that it was not too long ago that you swore you would never even contemplate certain subjects or areas of life again. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)You dont appear to be feeling as strong as you should but you have more support than you think so dont be afraid to ask those around to take a few responsibilities off of your hands. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Making time for new faces can show you how big a place the world is and what youve been missing out on. The written word is more important than usual. Re-read all texts and letters. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)The stars fill you full of doubt about a person who once meant the whole world to you. By digging deeper today, you will find out the reasons behind their surprise antics and recent words. </h2>Wednesday, February 16, 2011 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will pass a sign that says invorp today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them. They are a silly people, the Dutch. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down! <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where there is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches? <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will be struck by the notion that Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive . You have a mind of great depth and profundity. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I'll bet it's something good!

omeg · Feb 17, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 17th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Answers to recent dramatics can be found from Aquarians. You still dont seem to know how you feel about events which have transpired in your love life but both answers and solutions come after 5pm. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)The planets suggest that romance is popping up when you least expect it. I advise you to cancel any group arrangements you may have made. The best times come after 7pm and should prove unforgettable. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)The chance to go somewhere different may prove more costly than youd bargained for this week, so try to be prepared. An alternative evening should make for an enjoyable romantic encounter that doesnt cost a penny. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Over recent days Venus the planet of love has made you a sucker for a sob story but thankfully today, you reach a turning point. From here on in you recognize the takers from the givers. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)You may have to tell a white lie in order to get out of something. For once I dont blame you. Dont embellish too much. Your story telling always was a bit of a give away. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Careful that you are not getting mixed up with someone who is not free or you will only have yourself to blame come heartbreak time. Conversations after 2pm lead to peace talks with family. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Be prepared to have to go back to the role of student as someone has something they feel it is important for you to learn and they will not take kindly to any negative reactions. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Youre starting to form some new and very important bonds with members of your family that last year you had neither the time nor the inclination to put your energy into. About time too, my friend. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)The time has come to make a decision regarding an important trip a family member is hoping you will make with them. If you dont intend on honouring your words tell them sooner rather than later. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Use today to tie up a contractual matter once and for all. Try not to say things that you know are going to hurt a close one. Theres nothing worse than kicking someone when theyre down. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Focus on what you want for you and your close ones and not on what others perceive to mean success. Thats the key to you ending this whole month on a high in fact. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Your life has changed in so many ways and I hope youre proud of all you have achieved. If youre not then you should be. Cancerians have a project to share with you, seek them out. </h2>Thursday, February 17, 2011 I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano! <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Go wild today! Try a different brand of ramen noodles -- or even go so far as to sprinkle a little chopped green onion over them! <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- pinky -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they? <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called Goat Herding Made Easy . <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying no ? Sheesh. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant , except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with Ever . Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.

omeg · Feb 18, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 18th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Dont be afraid to take chances in love. What you have wanted all along can be yours, if youre willing to raise the stakes. Leos hold the key to an intriguing new path in your career. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Close ones are finding it rather hard to act naturally around you. You may be far better to take the initiative to meet up with them so they know theyre welcome rather than feeling theyre imposing. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Dont be too quick to judge the new faces that are set to come into your life. There is much to be gained by holding back on your opinions, especially on Leos and Librans. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Your life is not the same as it was. You need to know though that youre a better and richer soul for the things you have gone through, so relish them; dont be bitter about them. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)You need to do some serious thinking about your work as you are about to reach a crossroads and it is vital that you decide where your priorities really lie. Virgos link to lies, careful. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Good turns which you do for family may seem like they havent been appreciated, but close ones are still in shock so give them a while to come round. Time will prove youre a star in their eyes. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Just because something didnt work out as you thought it would doesnt mean your world comes to a stop. There are other options and its up to you to find them. You know you can. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)News of births, pregnancies and new beginnings in your inner circle, give you reason to question your life. Where you are going, what you really want and what this last year has really meant to you. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Rather than thinking about the amount of money you could spend on a loved one, why not instead think about the meaning of the gift you are buying them. Its actually your time theyre after anyway. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)A naughty streak could see you flirting with disaster tonight so dont talk too loudly, more people than you think are watching you. Saying what you really want can be met by surprise approval. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Dont mistake a pretty face for a perfect match, when a mixed mind may well be getting in the way of common sense. You need to blow off steam. Talking to friends can achieve this. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)I wonder why it is that you have started to let people manipulate you? Is it because you feel you need to bow down to make them feel worthy of you? It better not be! </h2>Friday, February 18, 2011 America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top. -- Charlie King <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to refer to everyone as Doctor. This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Your manager will be a twit, today. That's ok, though -- it's what he's paid for. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call Bubba-Bonics. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like Arrrr . <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime Jell-O, though. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant , except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with Ever . Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Your next fortune cookie will say See? We told you it taste like chicken!

omeg · Feb 19, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 19th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Leave the domestic problem that has been worrying you alone or youll inflame an already delicate situation. Treat your life with the respect it deserves and you will start to see the success you crave. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Venus the planet of love makes game playing the norm and honesty impossibility. Try not to make promises you have no intention of keeping, or it will only come back on you tomorrow. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)You still dont seem to know exactly which direction you want to take your career but you can clear many doubts by dipping your toes in the waters of your dreams. Today offers you this opportunity. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Its ok to be upset about something that happened. If you dont go through these emotions, you wont be able to move on. Life is all about learning; its what takes us to the next level. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Dont even think about cancelling arrangements youve made for today as someone has gone out of their way to make exciting plans for you. News of someone from your past gives need for a phone call. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Youre in the middle of something quite delicate and you seem to be a little unsure of how things are going to end up. Confidence is half your battle. Know this and act accordingly, my friend. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Someone seems to think you are responsible for all that has gone wrong in their life. It is they who had to make the decisions not you, so step away from this negative and unnecessary influence. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Arguments find successful solutions if dealt with today. Your mind seems to be set on taking a certain action about a close one, but please just make sure you have all the facts before you act. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Its clear from your chart that you have been under a lot of pressure, but solutions can be found if you are willing to take a chance on what you want, not what others want. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Dont worry about arguments, which are transpiring in your love life at this time. You may think they are serious but they are simply the building blocks to make your base a more secure one. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)You want a change to your career but its more to do with fine-tuning than anything else. Take your time though, as what you are doing will last for years not just weeks to come. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)You start to take stock of your life and work out where youve been and where youre going. Many of your sign will be making decisions, which will completely alter your future, starting today. </h2>Saturday, February 19, 2011 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody's guess. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day for a nice nap. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be Have you ever thought much about death? or Where's the strangest place you ever had sex?. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce this is a Stick Up! . Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a squid fling . Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Time to start a new fashion trend. Look at it this way: there had to be a first person to wear a necktie, didn't there? Today, every western man has to wear one to dress well. You can almost certainly do better - you probably aren't a deranged masochist with choking fantasies!

omeg · Feb 20, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 20th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)An opportunity waits to try your hand at a new career. Go for your dreams. You are full of energy and anything you venture into is likely to prove a success, especially if it involves Aries. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)You know what they say my friend, trouble brings experience and experience brings wisdom. Shake off any worries and get on instead with enjoying the many new faces waiting to help you live life. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)To say your humour is a little extreme would be an understatement. The full moon brings out your naughty side and deep down inside you seem to love it. Tact brings a new best friend tonight. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)This strange behaviour we have seen you adopt of late can do you no favours. Make a plan to get your personal and professional life to work in synch then you will feel a lot happier. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)A friend needs a favour but you may not want to oblige when you find out all the details. Resist agreeing until they have explained their needs fully. You may regret it, if you do. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Gambles in love pay back tenfold. Remember that if you think you can you will and if you think you cant, you wont. Travel plans link to a new future in more ways than you imagine. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Dont give up on those travel plans that you want. It is far better for you to look at the facts and then come to a happy medium than it is to go to extreme options. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)The Moon brings out your secretive side and could well see you doing things you wouldnt usually even dream of. Just bear in mind if this includes naughty behaviour in love too my friend! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)You have been so busy looking at the faces that are not free, that you have failed to see the compatible and very available faces around you. Returning texts today can give you a clue. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Those around you can just see how much happier you are now but careful about telling too many people too much too soon. They may think youve rushed into things, but you and I know different. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Try to be more understanding to older faces around you. You can really help them. You have an awful lot of strong characters around but if you take control they are sure to follow your lead. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Many new faces have started to surround your life but just what they mean to you is unclear. Try not to jump into any romantic situations too quickly. A good base is your key to longevity. </h2>Sunday, February 20, 2011 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. -- Gore Vidal <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically jiggle a little thingie. While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance... <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Following up on your accidental observation of the sock dimension (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the International Tiddly Wink Open three years running.

omeg · Feb 22, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 22nd February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Be prepared, you wont be able to hold your news youve been keeping secret for much longer. Remember that structure is essential. Try to write down what you want to say before you say it. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Youre faced with the chance to make a new timetable for your life and to tailor your day-to-day living better than ever before. Take advantage and dont be difficult just to rile outside influences. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)People who you used to think of as friends now seem to be showing themselves in a different light and you may even be thinking that they would make compatible love matches. Youd be right! CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Your heart always did rule your head but this month it seems to be taking the biscuit. Look at your situation as it were a friends and think of the advice you would give them. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Stand up for yourself or youll find yourself with a deflated ego as you discover that the person youd been hoping to see was at the place youd originally planned on spending your time. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)The time has come at last to call a truce to the arguments that you and a friend have been having. What the aspects indicate is a clear-cut case of two strong personalities clashing. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Visiting places from your past bring back vivid memories and makes it hard for you to look forward. A new face is about to change what you want out of life. Get ready and eyes forward. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)The stars line up to bring creativity and success to your work. You should not have any problems impressing those around you and you can even face that financial issue youve been hiding from. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)So, you find out someones said something about you behind your back. Do you get mad, hunt them down and tell them what you think about them. No, because that would indicate you half believe them. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)The best times this week can be found with Scorpios, who seem to know just what to do to make you smile. A Leo from your past wants to make amends to your broken friendship. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)The stars make it hard for you to know whom you can trust. Finances also come under scrutiny. You can control this week if you act on facts not fiction and get information from the source. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Youre talking too much about your love life but then again, your sign always does speak their minds. Not always to your advantage but Im sure itll make for an interesting week, as youll soon discover. </h2>Tuesday, February 22, 2011 An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I'll bet it's something good! <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it Ze Bra. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a loan piranha , at first. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Dorothy Parker once said if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me . Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today! <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line... <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours The Federation Starship Intrepid . And always do that little two-finger wave and say engage , when you start off, of course.

omeg · Feb 23, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 23rd February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)You dont know all there is to about a close one. Youve spent so much time recently focused on yourself that youve failed to see their good points and how they can help your current dilemma. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)If you could stop worrying for just a moment what other people think and ask yourself what and who would make you happy, then youd have your answer. Honesty is your new best friend. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Stop trying to run before you can walk. If you try to jump ahead of yourself you will only end up losing time and making yourself look amateur. Don't be afraid to ask questions today. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Saturn the planet of structure helps you to make sense of your past and choices you make at this time will be a clear mark of how far you have now come in life. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Make sure you know where to draw the line between helping close ones and being taken for a fool. You have to have a personal life too or youll miss out on the passion on offer. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Accidents and mix-ups that take place over the coming days turn into a blessing in disguise and could in fact, lead to love and romance for many of you. New beginnings and fresh starts finally beckon. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Its been an unpredictable time for you recently. You are however enjoying great acceptance of who you are right now and this confidence is about to attract an important new figure into your life. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)The number seven is lucky for you and links to lucky speculations and investments. Taureans prove good luck in business. Romance requires a white lie if it is to pan out as you had planned. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Family and friends are deciding where your time and money will best be spent. Watch out for a younger face though who seems to have their own needs at heart more than your own. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)You can look forward to today, as you find out those rumours have no base and you can get on with living life together instead of against each other. About time too, Im sure youll agree. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Playing games in love cannot and must not be an option. Youve put too much hard work into your life recently to set yourself back now. Lay your heart on the line and rewards await you. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)You dont understand exactly what a close one wants from you. Maybe if you spent a little more time listening, instead of talking, you would discover that they could actually help and not hinder your life. </h2>Wednesday, February 23, 2011 It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. -- Voltaire (1694-1778) <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) This will be a very musical day for you, today. Next time, try to remember the Beano(tm)? <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between kidnapped and tortured and wins the lottery . Probably a little of both, I'd guess. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingy. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will discover a new 5th law of Thermodynamics. The first law says you can't win . The second law says you can't break even . The 5th law, however, says never draw to an inside straight . <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is Help! Help!

omeg · Feb 24, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 24th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)There appears to be some rather tense atmospheres in the family and it is vital that you dont become piggy in the middle in a game which is not even anything to do with you. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Only you can decide if you let that secret out that youre keeping, so stop asking friends and stop asking family. Neptune sends you a message in your dreams. Listen to it. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Family prove more draining on your resources than usual but all for a very worthy cause, as youll soon see. Arguments with money prove futile so resist getting into arguments, which can see no solution. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)From here on in you should be able to see at last what happens when you stop working on love and just let it happen. Youve been scared, but by taking down those defences, miracles happen. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)The gossip that youre spreading at the moment is pointless. Remember the saying that people in glasshouses shouldnt throw stones, dont start a war you may not be able to finish, my friend. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)A close ones wants more of your time and youre struggling to give it to them. At least make the time to explain what you are trying to achieve. Doing so can make a big difference. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Enjoying time with close ones you havent seen for a while proves to be good for the soul today. Youve needed to join past and present together for some time now. Today sees you do so. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Something you thought was going to happen did not but what youre about to find out is that this setback is an advantage. Better options wait for you now that youll be forced to take these blinkers off. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)You have not been getting on with a family member as you had hoped but what you had to and still have to learn about them is that they find you such a strong character. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)A sense of humour is your key tool to have at your side in todays dramas and confrontations. Taking time out for a personal matter puts a large smile on your face, so dont deny yourself. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)You no longer seem to be too sure if you are coming or going as far as a certain relationship in your life is concerned. What you do know is you need to talk. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Too many voices can be a bad thing but it can also be a good thing too sometimes. Cancerians have fun to offer you, careful how far you go if you just want to stay friends. </h2>Thursday, February 24, 2011 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires. Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Benjamin Franklin said: If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some. You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush... <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment I've never cared for those hairless cats. That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy... <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Try to think of life as a game, today. For fun, make up new rules. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun! <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce sir as sair , you can answer a lot of questions with either yes air or nose hair . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was act like a dog day, you might have been better prepared. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be strictly bass . One must have standards, after all.

omeg · Feb 25, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 25th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Your career comes under the spotlight and if what you do as a living isnt really suited to you, then this is the week you decide to do something about it. Scorpios link to such dramas. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)You have important business to take care of. This week you can achieve more than you did in the whole of last month. This is exactly why you shouldnt let fair-weather friends distract you. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Try not to let down that family member, they are counting on you more than you could imagine and their gratitude is sure to be reward enough. Saturn brings mystery and intrigue, as tonight soon shows. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Friends are going to be making the effort to meet up with you. Bear in mind though that if you continue to make excuses for much longer, they may give up altogether. Make the extra effort. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Travel looks prominent and as its something I know you love to do, this is going to be a pretty exciting month for you. Dont play games in love with texts; youll get your fingers burnt. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)It is really important that you spend some of your time this week thinking about your career and also about education. It may be worth you taking a step back in order to take two forward. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)The stars decide to spice up your life and give you the chance to do something you wouldnt usually have the nerve or the inclination for. My how youve changed and how exciting this fact is! SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Fun is on offer as emergencies in the workplace allow you to see a softer side of a face you once feared. Dont argue over money, your side of events is weak to say the least. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Exciting and alternative offers come your way of both a personal and professional nature. Guard against any displays of bad temper today, it can only come back on you if you do, my friend. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Travel brings good news concerning your love life. Watch out how much you tell certain friends about your future plans, you would be better off to wait until any deals have been signed and sealed. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Talking about your problems can be a great beginning to sorting them out. Ignoring them can lead nowhere. Today can and should prove that a problem shared is a problem halved. Time to speak out. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Dont chase dreams of others, not when you are so close to obtaining your own. Conversations with friends can reveal what really did or didnt happen last weekend. Beware lies coming from an Aquarian. </h2>Friday, February 25, 2011 Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis. In a Tokyo hotel <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a horsepower is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying no ? Sheesh. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office just to chat. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a weapon of incredible range and power. You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm . You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Someone will tell you today Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school. Despite being forewarned, you won't have anything to say. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of despot ? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a ridiculous hat without people laughing at you. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where there is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Ever had one of those times when you ask someone What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal? and they say Crunchy things? Soon, you will.

omeg · Feb 26, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 26th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Look at how you are carrying out everyday tasks and youll soon see that you have stage fright about an upcoming event and thats all! Take time out, all is set to go in your favour. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Careless talk can cost you friendships. Take in all and not just some of the facts before you start telling tales, besides your energy is best spent in romance, if you return that call. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Come on, lay your cards on the table, you may just be pleased with the results. By saying what you want, miracles can and will occur today. Go on, just give it a go and see. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Resist the temptation to pass on rumours this week. What is occurring is a case of Chinese whispers and if youre not careful youre going to end up being accused of starting such words. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Venus promises to bring drama and excitement to your life. No longer do you have to guess what is happening with personal issues but youll be able to see and know the right thing to do. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)This is a positive week if youre willing to make the first move to resolving any problematic situations. For a sign usually first in line for anything, youve been adopting an extremely slow pace of late. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)You may be surprised when you find out who has been spreading rumours about you, but you could well be better off to stay silent, and remember the saying, better the devil you know. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)A jealous mood could see you falling out with a friend who is feeling more confident than you at this time. Listening to their story today can show you that youre not that different after all. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Deals you are making at this time may not be all they first seem. Make sure you get any offers in writing, or it could come back on you later. Seduction requires a white lie. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Dont give up on your work. A more interesting side to your career is set to open up thanks to a new face who can help you find the creative angle your sign yearns for. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Meetings that take place at this time should prove to you just how well you are respected as you get an offer that last year would not even have been a dream, let alone a reality. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Your need to find out just what is really being said about you could well see you making up with someone you swore you would not talk to again let alone be friends with. </h2>Saturday, February 26, 2011 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. -- Woody Allen <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.) <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new fresh tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will! <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying Down With Gravity! . <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.) <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It's good that you're taking the whole waffle resurgence seriously. There's no reason to brag about your waffles per hour cooking capacity, however. (If you can't talk waffles per minute, nobody is likely to be very impressed

omeg · Feb 27, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 27th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Librans prove powerful allies in financial affairs throughout this month. You have been looking at what may have been rather than what was but both today and tomorrow put you on the path for success. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Something new is starting in your life and its imperative that you work on creating a good and lasting base. Time spent with a Sagittarian can fill in many missing blanks about last weeks dramas. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)You may be finding it hard to get family to fit in with your plans as you had hoped, but there is much you can do to improve your chances of changing their mind at lunchtime. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Use the stars to your advantage. Make up with the face that last month you thought wouldnt talk to you again. Love can be found in alternative places, which youll first think of refusing to visit. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)New work projects beckon for you and you begin to get ideas, which you had previously not considered an option. An invitation from a face from your past is set to make your week. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Make sure that you have all of the numbers backed up that you may need to call as communication is not all it should be and you dont want to miss out on the appealing plans you had. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Geminis offer much fun and help you to get back into the life of a friend you have long been missing having around. Dont spend money you dont have, the best options are free tonight. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Try to be a little more honest with yourself about what you want in life and where you are going. Your choices are far wider than you could imagine. Dare to dream, anythings possible. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)This may well be a day when you have to choose between family and friends. They say that blood is thicker than water but mixed emotions show youre not sure. Sleep on it as answers come tomorrow. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)A change in a family members life has been affecting you more than you say but its unlikely to last. Be supportive. Good fun can be had as an old friend comes back on the social scene. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Why not leave the people around you to deal with their own lives and get on with living yours, theres plenty of reason to. Pay attention to any clues you see today. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Youve been acting out of character recently, havent you my friend? Why not try talking about what and who is really on your mind lately. This is your day to find answers and closure if you do. From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. -- The Book of Insults , Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There's no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to avoid pickled herring. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior , and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) You dumped the body WHERE?. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Your slogan for the week should be Carpe Diem , or Seize the Day! . Once you seize it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That's it, though, for today's excitement. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good time to institute show and tell at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection, no? <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage . The best reply to this is Huh? <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?

omeg · Feb 27, 2011

TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Something new is starting in your life and its imperative that you work on creating a good and lasting base. Time spent with a Sagittarian can fill in many missing blanks about last weeks dramas. I dont usually comment on horoscopes that I post unless they are reallllly funny, or I feel they are really on for the day. Most of the times they seem to of left me out in left field, but todays really fits me.As for the something new starting in my life...It is my decision to move to Florida.As of today I started ..very slowly, taking pictures down and starting to pack up the things I will want to take with me. I've decided NOT to take everything but the kitchen sink. I will pack small, and carefully. Besides, I'm so rich, I'll just buy what I need when I get there. As for the funny horoscope for me today? Good day to avoid pickled herring.NOOOO problem there. Pam

omeg · Feb 28, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 28th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Many of your sign are thinking of making a change to their homes, as your need for a firmer base comes to the fore. At last youre doing what feels right, and not what looks right. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)There is no point in you saying you dont care about a monetary matter when youre every movement and action is saying differently. Use tonight to talk things through in the mature way required. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)A close one has taken a lot of courage to make the changes youve seen these past few weeks and it is only by you sticking by their side that youll see the very dramatic finale. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Dont offer money that you dont have to those you want to impress, you will only regret it and feel the fool when you have to retract your proposal later. Truths earn you far more fans. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)You make good ground on a work project which last week you could not seem to get off of the ground but which now finally starts to show signs of bringing you both success and notoriety. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Mars helps you to focus on a family issue that everyone else has been ignoring. Youve got your wise head on and people will be coming to talk to you about matters both minor and major. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)You may find it hard to get rid of the visitors that seem intent on taking up your very valuable time. Dont flirt with a friends partner for fun; you could be flirting with disaster. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You may not understand the actions that a family member is making over the coming days. In fact you may never understand them but you have at least got to be amused and educated. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Youre about to be cast in the role of student. Dont be scared. This is what the last years dramas have taught you to deal with. Youre a sponge for knowledge and success is imminent. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)You should have enough energy to cope with anything that is put your way today. Someone you thought was your ally at work is putting up a wall of defence to change what you thought they wanted. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Conversations you have with faces from your past around this time can help you tie up some important missing facts regarding what did or didnt really happen. Just make sure you dont tell lies. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Your recent and current pressures see you speaking without thinking. Avoid meeting anyone face to face you know you may lose your temper with. A calm mind is essential if you are to gain the upper hand. </h2>Monday, February 28, 2011 Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. Brook Shields <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) If you've been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You've heard that when economists use the word nice , they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is like, totally kewl. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it - your mother simply wasn't much of an engineer... <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an iridescent green mohawk, you know? <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying Down With Gravity! . <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as launch codes , who's been naughty , or Snerge . This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

omeg · Mar 1, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 1st March ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)As you enter the month of March you start to understand your needs better, what and whom you need to find true happiness in life. Someone you thought was a friend could be so much more. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Why do you think its your business to know everyone elses? If you would only spend just a moment of your time concentrating on you, youd stand a chance of getting what and whom you want. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)You must listen to your instincts and try to see the situation for what it is or you could end up falling hook line and sinker for someone who is not worthy of your attention. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Be careful when talking to friends about your love life. If youre not careful, you are going to cast yourself in the role of the fool. You would be better to play things down until youre sure of what you want. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Youre about to be faced with an ultimatum in love. The only thing is Leo, you no longer give in to emotional blackmail and close ones are about to discover this very fact. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)You may be tempted to make new plans for tonight, but it would be far better for you to keep to the planned schedule youd made, or a close one will think you have cold feet. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Disagreements actually turn to passion for you Libra and you start to realise love and hate have been and still are, very close together. Dont let family down. They are relying on you for a good reason. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)A taste of fame beckons. You may be offered the chance to shine at something youve long wanted to do on a more serous level. Take a slow pace with this opportunity, to ensure its longevity. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Youre so close to completing a magnificent job and you must make a concerted effort to finish on the high you had dreamed of. You can do this by asking the professionals not the amateurs today. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Important financial issues are going to be at the forefront of your mind, or rather how you can get your hands on money immediately. Look at your own affairs and not others and youll find it. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)You should actually find yourself having a really good time once you get rid of those inhibitions. Pisces can keep that secret which I know is eating away at you but doesnt have to be. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)You and a loved one just cant seem to see eye to eye. Keep out of each others way for a little while so that you can both have some time to let the dust settle. </h2>Tuesday, March 01, 2011 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. -- Sean O'Casey <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Bring extra. You'll need it. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today! <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've traded down . <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Summer is almost over, and you know what that means: office supplies! Any reputable biologist will tell you that we humans have a powerful biological urge to buy office supplies when the weather turns cooler. Many societies disguise this by using the back to school euphemism. In your case, you should give in to your natural tendencies - fighting isn't healthy.

omeg · Mar 2, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 2nd March ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Today sees the possibility of you tying up a matter that has weighed heavily on your mind for several months. If things are to go your way, you must keep your cool and tell the facts. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Be careful of Leos who are going out of their way to spend time with you. You may even find yourself inundated with gifts as they try to show that they are after more than just a physical bond. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)The home is highlighted and you may be thinking of moving home or even just making some sort of changes to where you live. Read all mail today, it could hold information youve been waiting for! CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Love and romance is getting more and more confusing by the day but luckily for you there is a touch of humour about all that is occurring. Dont let down a friend that you know is relying on you this week. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)I know you havent been feeling yourself recently. Life has taken its toll on you but from here on in you turn an important corner. Eyes forward, life and love is about to get very exciting. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)You know sometimes you have to do what is right for you, and not what looks right to others. Take advantage of the opportunities the stars are placing before you. They can change your life. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)In career, be assured that some important people now know you. This is your time and social links you make this week, can only enhance your opportunities further. Make sure that you pay attention. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You may find it hard to get hold of the people you need to talk to in business today. Make all phone calls on your agenda earlier rather than later, your reputation could depend on it. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Today is a really fun day for you in love. The stars line up to bring the unexpected into your life and faces you didnt think cared, should have some very exciting words to share. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)The stars shine the spotlight on you and youll find that you are able to get what you want from faces that usually prove hard to convince. Use this to your advantage; the world is your oyster! AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Aries can offer you much support regarding a personal change that you should have made months ago. Venus lines up to put a past opportunity your way again. Think carefully, it could prove life changing. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Life starts to feel good again. You finally put the past and a certain person behind you. Youll still have some dealings with them of course, as theres still a connection, but the right one now. </h2>Wednesday, March 02, 2011 I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to start saving up for that electron microscope you've always wanted. I hear Sears will be having a big sale on them this fall. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) As Buckaroo Banzai said, No matter where you go, there you are. Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been blackened. Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber ducky, you'll need to get that first, of course. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yucky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be strictly bass . One must have standards, after all. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name Throckmorton . (The plant, not the office. Obviously, Throckmorton is a completely inappropriate name for an office. Wiggins is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.) <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) After an exciting trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, you'll come up with a secret plan that will occupy you for many years to come. Yes - your very own Hole.

omeg · Mar 3, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 3rd March ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Dont say things you know will irritate your close ones, just to get a reaction. You would be far better to place this excess energy somewhere more productive, such as work issues youre hiding from. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Your element of earth promises to make this a day youll remember, as that stubborn nature forces you to dig your heels in on something which deep down inside, you would actually like. Caution my friend. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Check that youve paid all of your bills or you could end up getting yourself into trouble. Even the smaller bills that you may have missed can make all the difference. Wear red for luck in love tonight. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Some interesting news reaches you from a very odd source today. Make sure that you check the facts with others, before you act on it. The Moon favours you receiving a much-awaited apology. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)You should find yourself with plenty of excess energy to get yourself into trouble with. Mercury is getting ready to play some games. You just have to remember what, and who, you really want. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)If you dont treat yourself as a first class citizen, then why should others? Youre allowing yourself to believe things, which are not true. Youre gorgeous; now let others know this fact too please. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)An opportunity to show how professional you can be to superiors, may mean you giving up some of your spare time for no immediate reward. Do it. It should be the springboard youve been waiting for. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You wake up with a fresh perspective and you get the chance to see where youve been going wrong. Putting yourself first is no longer an option; its your only choice. Youve raised the stakes! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)All should be revealed about something you have been curious about for some time. Its time to talk about a deep personal matter between yourself and a close one too Sagittarius. You know this is true. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)You need real answers and they can only be found by surpassing game playing and going for the mature approach. By that same token dont get a friend to do your dirty work in love tonight. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)You dont seem sure if friends have your best interests at heart. If you want to know the answer to any questions at this time, then do yourself a favour and ask yourself, not others. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)People that you meet now hold far more power over your career than you think. Be nice to everyone and show respect. Its sure to hold you in good stead in the weeks to come. </h2>Thursday, March 03, 2011 -- Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of skipping shoe Nike is going to come out with. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture? <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze cute . <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it's often entertaining to try.) <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Try being entirely honest for a week. That's a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though -- a poor memory. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that's what you do, at parties. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.

omeg · Mar 4, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 4th March ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)The new moon helps you to better understand why it was that a close one was acting so strangely and helps you to get back on track with your relationship with them. Its about time too. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)What you want may well have to be put to one side as many of the other signs in the zodiac decide to make their needs the priority over the coming days. Dont worry; this is only temporarily. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)You may not be able to control your career as much as youd like at this time, but you can show those in charge how good you are at handling the unexpected. This opportunity starts this weekend. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Todays new moon brings out your more practical side and you no longer feel the need to let others rule you and tell you what to do. This is a great day to sort out that financial problem. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Someone has gone out of the way to help you achieve something, and you have not even offered a thank you. You have until 6pm to do so, or you could end up with a very large apology to make. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Youre not a sign that has predictable taste in love, and youll be proving this very fact by the actions you take this week. Youre about to stand up for what, and who, you really want. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Family must be a priority. It seems you have not had the time to catch up with your nearest and dearest, but conversations at this time can give you the inspiration to make a life change. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Your need for freedom sees you asking for things you dont want. You want a commitment, but youre afraid of it. You want time on your own but dont want to be alone? Clarity requires communication. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Time you get to yourself should make you feel good. Even if its just an hour at lunchtime to think about life, youll want to be alone for it. Life choices are about to be made. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)The stars spin you into utter confusion, and no matter how simple the words those around you are saying, you feel as if they have been talking a completely different language. Clarity comes with a confession. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)The new moon is sure to make for fresh inspiration on a problem you were ready to give up on this time yesterday. Dont cancel plans for today or tonight as your future depends on it. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Try to have more faith in your abilities. A recent set back in your personal life has had a knock on effect. By fighting back today, you can win back both professional and personal support. </h2>Friday, March 04, 2011 Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career! <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He's just being crabby, if you ask me. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way). <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up! .

Mben · Mar 5, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 5th March <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /> ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />Current activity in the skies is going to be turning your attentions to personal matters. This is a time when you will be making decisions for you and you alone. About time too, so enjoy. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />You are trying really hard to have respect for close ones. However, their recent actions have made it hard for you to contain your anger. Listening, and not talking today can fill in important missing facts. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />A work matter is taking up more time than a close one likes. Give them some time, don't push too hard and they should come round. Flirtations with new faces are more serious than you realise. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />The chance to go somewhere different may prove more costly than you'd bargained for this week, so try to be prepared. An alternative evening should make for an enjoyable romantic encounter that does't cost a penny. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />Back peddle in business until you have had the chance to view all of the facts. The cat seems to have caught your tongue or could it be that you have finally been seduced? <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />Your imagination gets the better of you so keep a slow pace if you want to ensure you come out of this week with your reputation in tact. Romantic offers may shock and surprise you. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />You're not being selfish, you just have a lot on your plate, which needs some attention. Explaining this to close ones can go a long way to you both finding common ground again. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />You have not been giving your work your all, as your mind seems to be on everything else instead. This may seem very strange to close ones that are usually only used to seeing you fully focused. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />You have had your head in the clouds for long enough now and it;s time to bring yourself back down to earth. Why? Because what is now an exciting offer; has never previously been a choice. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />Sometimes in life you have to do what feels right, instead of what looks right. This is one of those days Capricorn. Don;t surround yourself with people you know bring you down. You;re better than that. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />Don;t let confidence turn to arrogance as it cannot benefit you. You finally start to make arrangements for all and sundry so that you may make the changes that have been on your mind recently. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />Only you can decide if letting that secret out of the bag is the right thing to do Pisces, so stop asking friends and family their opinions. Neptune has a message in your dreams for you; listen to it.

Mben · Mar 6, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 6th March ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />If you are looking for an honest answer from your friends about life, then you will get it. If you don't want to know the facts, don't ask, but I think you have guessed the truth already. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />You may want to let down friends you know you've no intention of meeting sooner rather than later if that is, you want to avoid the sharp end of their tongue. Passion replaces anger later tonight. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />Be prepared for some criticism from friends who don't understand your very emotional actions. Lost items can be found in a friend's home or car. They hold the key to you uncovering an important secret too. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />You can give your all to what you have committed to, or you can back peddle and deal with the mess you know will ensue. Confidence can work miracles, so hold that head up high. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />You've come to a bit of a stumbling block in your career. Just what you should do seems to be as much of a dilemma as the problem itself. Ensure you choose, not others, my friend. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />Things are far more serious than you may first think right now, and tact can do much to keep your reputation in a favourable light. Proposals or splits that occur right now are down to fate. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />You have waited a long time for these opportunities. Make sure you keep your eyes on the future and not the past, particularly around lunchtime when the stars offer you the chance to change your future. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />You have work to complete, so get on with it or you'll only add guilt to this already heavy load you are carrying. Double check cash exchanges before 11am for them to go in your favour. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />You're bragging about things you would be better to keep quiet over. Time is your new best friend so lie low until you can get to find out what the implications of speaking out would be. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />Your stubborn nature is stopping you from getting what and whom you want in life. Wake up and smell the coffee Capricorn. You have the upper hand so make sure you use it, especially after 7pm. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />Something new that you wanted to start does not seem to be sitting well with your close ones. What can you do about this? Communication is the key, something you have so far been avoiding. <br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" /><br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)<br style="font-weight:normal;font-family:inherit;font-style:inherit;font-size:14px;vertical-align:top;text-align:left;padding:0px;margin:0px;" />If you don't take control, you will lose the confidence that is so essential to making this month one to remember. You know the right thing to do, even if it means upsetting a close one.

omeg · Mar 7, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 7th March ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)If you want to keep your reputation looking good in the eyes of those who matter, do not let your imagination get the better of you. Slow down and look at the big picture Aries. Romance brings surprises. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Keep in the good books of Virgos over the coming days, as they seem to have the business contacts that you will need to make that all important jump in your career and your finances. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Youve stopped communicating in love. If youre honest youll admit that you were the one who first put up your barriers. Write down how you feel, its the first step towards getting back what you had. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Many of your sign are not going to be able to stop yourself from flirting. Careful how far you go, or you may undo the respect you worked so hard to build up last month. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Someone is avoiding you. The only thing is that the reason for them doing so is different to what you think. Wait forty-eight hours. If you do, youll be pleased by the truth that the stars reveal. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Youve been living in the past. You seem to need to make sense of what happened in order to work out where you should go. Offers via text offer an alternative view albeit a successful one. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Dont let those you work with bully you into taking on a responsibility that will make you miserable. You have rights too you know. Asserting your true position very politely is your key. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Youve entered a time of great learning and you must use it to your advantage. Dont be cruel to the younger generation who are going to be leaving themselves open for criticism with their actions. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Travel plans beckon but theyre not exactly what you had in mind. Why not allow yourself to be led for a change; its the only way youll get to see what that certain someones really like. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Take it slowly as far as romance is concerned or you could frighten the person away. You are going to have to try and build up some trust and understanding if you want a solid relationship. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)You dont seem to understand why a close one is acting so distant towards you. There is much you are unaware of at this time but todays events give you a clue to a mystery, which is about to change your destiny. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Family is placing more than a few demands on you and you may find yourself exhausted as the last few weeks changes take their toll on you. As one door closes another is about to open. </h2>Monday, March 07, 2011 Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: never yodel with your mouth full. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to The Mongol Horde , you might take notice. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though - I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, Giggles . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to fidget. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment I've never cared for those hairless cats . That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy...

omeg · Mar 8, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 8th March ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Certain friends have shown a side to themselves that you dont approve of. What you have yet to discover is their reasons. Keep an open mind and youll come out of these events with much learnt. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)You find yourself thinking of the past more than usual and some of you may even be tempted to call up a face you cant get out your mind. Expect to hear surprises if you do. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)A new flirtation comes with a price so think carefully before embarking on it please Gemini. A change in your work may seem like a problem but is a blessing in disguise, as time will soon prove to you. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)You havent really been living life of late; its been more a case of existing has it not? All of that is about to change today though as youre given a new lease of life by a phone call or email which puts life and love into perspective. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)There is a strange feeling over you at this time. You know change is coming but youre not sure what kind. The good kind I can assure you, but one, which also needs structure. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)With the current line up you should at last start to feel the benefit of recent changes. The last few days have left you with little time and energy but this is your time, so enjoy. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Today helps you to take stock of life and you will also find its a day when you can at last outtalk that smart, but very naïve, family member. Wear yellow for power in financial affairs. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Dream options come your way at last but require you to break a few boundaries. Just remember that if you think you can, you will, and if you think you cant, you wont. Positive mental attitude! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Saturn is trying to teach you lessons, but you seem to be more intent on getting involved in everyone elses problems. Could this be because the truth hurts? It wont if you listen to todays facts. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)The Sun is bringing out your talkative side and you may be tempted to reveal secrets, which are not yours to give away. Take your time when dealing with financial issues. Pay for a professional opinion if you can. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Surprise announcements make for a shocking, but pleasing end to your day with the help of the mischievous planet Mars. Dont make promises you cant keep, remember youll have to honour all you pledge. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)How many times are you going to fall out with a family member before you realise they will never give in and that you are best to compromise? Sort this out before others get involved. </h2>Tuesday, March 08, 2011 $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000, by which time it will be worth nothing. Lazarus Long <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don't remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of sacred quest , which will make a good ice-breaker. ( So...what's with the coconuts? ) <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of Villiage Idiot , in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you? <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That's not something you should try to deal with yourself -- call in the professionals. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) So. You let your mole plants die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

omeg · Mar 9, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 9th March ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)There are far better ways of making your name in the business world than by telling tall stories, so prove your worth by your work, and not your words. Miracles can happen if you do. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)A run in with someone that thinks more of you than you realise, could bring you down a peg or two. Try to think about the age of the people youre dealing with today please. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Make sure you dont jump into any romantic situations tonight that you havent had time to think about. The need for you to make an impression on those around can be achieved in many other ways. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)You should be feeling full of enough confidence to tell a close one the real reasons behind your resistance to make a change. Just make sure you dont let emotions take the lead though. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Conversations that you have on this day are set to reveal more than you thought possible. There are many sides that you will be discovering to faces that previously had not appealed to you. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Give in to the pleas of a Piscean who has reasons more than you know behind the favour theyre asking. The romantic sector of your chart is well favoured, so keep your eyes peeled as opportunity waits. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)News of all kinds of new beginnings makes for an exciting time for you and your close ones. You still have a business or even legal matter on your mind. A phone call can solve it. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)It could well be that you have been overdoing things my friend. Come on admit it, youre the one that makes such a tough schedule for yourself and you are the one that can change it! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)You have so much to offer the situations affecting your life, but unless you slow down and enjoy whats happening, youre never going to be able to feel you deserve all that will soon occur. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)New faces are out to seduce you and you may have a fight on your hands trying to get rid of them as they fall under the spell of your very attractive and individual personality. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Look after yourself, as your health is going to need a boost if you are to ever find the energy that you are seeking. There is also a link to your past that could soon change your life! PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Family and friends want to visit, but you dont seem to have the inclination to accommodate them. Careful if it is family that you are putting off. Sticking to plans can bring a secret to light. </h2>Wednesday, March 09, 2011 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. -- Woody Allen <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that's what you do, at parties. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Noodle day #2! The Revenge Of The Noodle . Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for Szechwan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called Rainy Daze . You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for Clenched Buttocks as a band name. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the Nighty Knight . You should be ashamed of yourself.

omeg · Mar 10, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 10th March ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)You are going to find it very hard to stay away from a friend that you just know your close ones will not approve of. Just make sure theyre really worthy of such sacrifices! TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)You have the strength to do anything you set your mind to as Pluto will be filling you with all of the confidence you could possible desire, so make sure you use it to your advantage. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Let the events that have occurred recently be a lesson to you Gemini and try not to be in so much of a hurry to make changes that you know cannot benefit your present situation. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Today should see you finding better footing with someone you have not really been seeing eye to eye with of late. In fact there will be many opportunities before you to improve several relationships. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)You dont seem to be able to stop thinking about a work matter that just doesnt seem to be going the way that youd hoped. Positive thinking and a phone call you make today is your key. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)You thought you knew someone you used to call a friend but the face they have shown of late has led you to regard them as a stranger. Today, they may well turn this fact around. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)A face you thought you knew well has let you down and given you reason to lack confidence in a project being completed as youd first imagined. Phone calls you make this afternoon can change this. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Understanding your close ones takes time. It also requires you to listen to what they are saying, rather than making up your own story about what they may or may not want. Acknowledge this please. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Your love life comes under scrutiny from family who have questions they want to ask. Lets hope they dont ask you today then, when an absent mind could see you revealing more than you want. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)You have a party head on. It may prove hard for you to think of anything too serious. Try to at least look like youre working, as an influential face is watching your every move. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)How you talk and present yourself can make all the difference between success and failure today. Dont be shy, but show you have the confidence it takes to push the boundaries. Success waits if you do. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)This is a day of great reflection for you. Youll finally be putting the past behind you once and for all. Not a moment too soon. New paths in life link to tickets and forms that need attention. </h2>Thursday, March 10, 2011 I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. Blaise Pascal <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.) <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you'll be able to write a killer song about it. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an evil laugh and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual acquaintances. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you'll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60's and 70's, and will change your name to Sunflower in protest. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That's about what you should expect, though, from a cow orker .

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