Daily Horoscopes....

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 11th March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)You dont trust a certain face, but those around you do. Whose instincts are right, yours or theirs? If its not your business, then surely it doesnt matter? Accept this fact and benefit from it. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)You cant change what has happened in the past. You can learn from it though. Making the effort to focus on the future today can really see great things happen. Venus has big plans for you. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Dont think that you can tell lies and get away with it. You need to ask yourself why you feel the need to avoid the truth. Trust me, the truth brings out the best in you. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)You seem to be taking more of an interest in your appearance at last. You realise that you have merely existed instead of living and youre ready, willing and able to change this. About time too! LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)If theres someone you dont agree with, then avoid him or her. You wont be shy telling them if you do see them, and you could regret your words when you find out what theyve been through. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)You have realised now how wrong faces in your past were for you. Youve learnt that if you are going to find true happiness, you have to make the rules and not leave them to others. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)You may feel as if you are getting no thanks for your hard work, but you can rest assured that your rewards will come soon enough my friend, of both a financial and a professional nature. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)A fresh view on your life helps you to work out where youve been going wrong. You are taking time out for you, which is something you have not done for a very long time. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)If you look at life as if the glass is half empty, of course its going to take longer to find confidence. Positive thinking offers you the power you need to turn life and love around. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Making use of your time today to sort out important paperwork can do much for your financial security.  Dont be afraid of your future, embrace it and take control.  Success awaits you. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Make sure you open any mail that arrives as soon as you get the chance. By paying attention to detail you can turn what was a problem into an advantage. Texts bring passion after 5pm. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Theres a certain amount of competition in your personal life this month. How can you ensure you gain the upper hand? By keeping honesty to the fore, and not allowing lies to flow when you speak.   </h2>Friday, March 11, 2011 This is the true joy in life ... being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one ... being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy....I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die. For the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It's a sort of splendid torch which I've got to hold up for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations. -- George Bernard Shaw <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone smile when you say that, buster , for example. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn't I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok...actually, today you will have pizza. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well... <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You'll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) A romantic episode will take you by surprise. Tip: the important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers, is not to suggest having a fling. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Today you will discover a little book called 1001 Names For Your Pet . You should probably name your next pet either Pope John Paul or No Clothes On . That way you can say things like Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again or I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On.  

 

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 Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 12th March ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)You really do have mischief written all over your face, but this would be a good time for you to make up with a family member, before you place a permanent distance between you. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Dont be too rude when trying to put a close one off of a visit, you have much that you need to talk about and indeed celebrate. Youre about to discover what good news they have. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Sooner or later, youre going to have to accept the fact that you have to do what feels right for you and not what looks right to others. Doing so today turns your life around. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Dont say things you dont mean, just to get a reaction from close ones. You would be far better to put your time and energy into what can be achieved instead of what cant. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Take your time when dealing with your business affairs today. By paying attention to detail you can make important breakthroughs in your career and finances. Virgos can help you. Teamwork is your key my friend. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Earth signs always find it hard to follow the whims of others. You need to know you can see the end in sight, rather than putting time and effort into the unpredictable. Today its worth taking a risk. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)You have been through more in the past couple of months, than most people do in a year. Youve come out of it a better and stronger person. Acknowledge this fact and then you can move on to the next chapter. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Now that you dont seem to be spending so much time with a certain person, you appear to be missing them more than youd thought possible. You see absence really does make the heart grow fonder. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)You are focusing on what you deem to be important. What you have yet to realise though, is that fate has great things in store for you. Dare to dream and youll discover just what. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)You are being made to think too deeply about a problem, which is actually far easier to solve than you think. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture from today please. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Your element of air is pushing you to ask for things you dont really want. Stop and think about all you are saying and doing. The right answers are staring you in the face my friend. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Dealing with new faces can open up many new doors for you. You now know what you need to do to make your mark in the world. Financial meetings also go well at this time. </h2>Saturday, March 12, 2011 An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. -- John Buchan <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say What am I, psychic? It's not, though. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours . <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a squid fling . Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You'll be asked to knock it off. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You'll need to sign some important papers soon. Remember the words of Tom Waitts in this case The big print giveth and the small print taketh away.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 13th March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)A great day to see the close ones youve been avoiding. They are ready to accept you and who ever you choose to be with. Taking this step requires nerves, but is sure to pay back tenfold. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)If you can spare some time to get to know those around you a little better, you should find out you share more common ground than you think. Teamwork, spells success for you my friend. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)The current line up can finally help you to work out where you went wrong with last weekends social dramatics youre still cleaning up. Enlist an Aquarian; theyll have you squeaky clean in no time. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Arranging to spend time with those you love can do much for your confidence at this time. You find yourself working out a more successful path for your future. Confidence and clarity reign again. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Try not to share secrets you know are going to lead to problems this week. If you can let things transpire naturally, then you will feel so much better by this time next week.VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Youve spent so long thinking about how you want a confrontation to go, that it no longer feels as if its real. Let others do the chasing and youll be in for a pleasant surprise! LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Scorpios have much to teach you about business and for once are trying to give money and not take it. Celebrations require travel, but be prepared to have to put an extra day aside. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You have heard some things, which have hurt you. How do you know they come from the source you think? Slow down and do your research, or you could end up feeling the fool come tomorrow. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Interviews and work matters all go in your favour. Youre thinking of trusting in others advice in business, but dont. Sticking to what you want to say and do is the key to your success. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Your need to see a certain someone could see you telling some pretty big lies to get what you want.  Just dont embellish too much. Less is more, where todays dramas are concerned. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)You know it's all very well making promises Aquarius, but it's another following through what you vowed. If you let them down this time they may not give you another second chance, so stay alert. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Try not to spend money needlessly midmorning youll only regret it when extra funding is required for tonight. Aquarians can help you to seal the deal of a lifetime so make sure you seek them out. </h2>Sunday, March 13, 2011 I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Ed Bluestone <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that sharing is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Everyone around you will act silly, today -- whapping each other with floral matter, calling each other Doctor , and doing Bantu war dances in the hallway. The most likely explanation is that there's a nitrous oxide leak somewhere. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Beware of short people. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You'll be asked to knock it off. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is Help! Help! <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existence around you. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Beware of iguanas, today.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for  Monday 14th March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Youre finally set to sort out differences with a loved one and can clear up matters that last week felt unsolvable. Try to stay neutral in a dispute between two workmates; it's not your problem. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)A lack of time to do what needs to be done is a problem at the moment. Dont worry though, as the stars are on hand today to help you find some handy shortcuts, so pay attention. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Its going to be all too easy for you to tell lies to cover those lies that you have already told. Dont do it though. Certain faces know more than you think. Truths bring clarity not untruths. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Dont judge a book by its cover. You would be far better to take your time and to get to know the new faces slowly. You could just find a friend for life, if you do. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Youll be glad to hear that the reactions to recent gossip youve caused will be the good kind, especially concerning the finances that can, and will, eventually follow.  Love will require an apology before 7pm. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Watch out for faces from your past that are trying to use emotional blackmail to work their way back into your life. Youre bigger and stronger now, and you must not let anyone convince you otherwise. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Your house of work is set for dramatic changes. Its taken you a while to get to where you are, but keep sight of where youre going. Youre in the driving seat; you just dont know it. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Virtue is a jewel of great price. Remember this when dealing with a persuasive ex.  Dont lose sight of what and who was a part of your original major plan, when thinking about your future. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)You may feel like letting down some friends that you have recently seen a new side to. However, give them a second chance today and youre likely to be very pleased with the results. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Newfound strength is on hand, as your ruling planet gives you the back up youve wished for. Use today to tie up personal issues from last month, much progress can be made if you do. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Foreign links are strong, and many of your sign will be preparing for an exotic visitor of sorts. Finances are highlighted and you should find yourself looking at things with a fresh and solvable view.PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)You are prepared to go to great lengths in order to make your career successful.  Make sure youre not compromising your beliefs, or you will undo all of the very hard work you have put in. </h2>Monday, March 14, 2011 People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say. Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Breakfast of Champions <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what's wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter nothing, it's nothing. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will find the word impecunious popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you'll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60's and 70's, and will change your name to Sunflower in protest. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, if you aren't broke, don't fix it. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you'll try the old goat in a box trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed... <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole, and see if anyone salutes. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say What was THAT!? in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.  

 

[augustijnjos]

Hi! Is it true that the horoscopes changed because of earth's change of revolution or somethin'?

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 15th March ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Taking a step back from the situations affecting your life can really help you to make the right decisions. You thought you didnt know what to do, but a rested mind this week proves you do. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Why do you have to move at such a fast pace? Who said you were in a race? Quality not quantity is the key to you making the base you need for longevity to your success. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)You may find yourself having to run around and do everyone elses work for them.  This is not a bad thing. Working as a team you can show you have what it takes for success. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)After you get what you want, you dont want it. Is the chase really sweeter than the result? You could always try enjoying what you asked for. Aspects indicate its the key to your happiness. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)A face you didnt used to think you had a lot in common with now has more things to say to you than anyone else. One door may have shut, but another has most certainly opened. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Do you talk about what is bothering you? Or is admitting what is wrong making it a bigger problem than it was before? Only slow but sure actions today can answer this for you. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Your career is under the spotlight, and if youre to make the most of what the stars are offering, you are going to have to wear your professional hat and put personal affairs on the backburner. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)There is so much you can learn from the younger generation this week. They dont have the same limitations that you have set for yourself. You may even realise its worth giving someone a second chance! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Love speaks volumes, as some sort of a proposal is made to your face. Dont let pride stop you from speaking from the heart, or you could miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Is there a right or wrong way to deal with the situations that affect our emotions? Its hard for any of us, especially you, not to act from the heart. Cut yourself some slack please. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)The coming weeks see you entering a period of your life, which you have previously never even dared dream could be a possibility. Get ready for major announcements and an important change of heart too. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Foreign links are set to make your life a more interesting place to be. Pluto also has a message for you from a dream youve already had. Its time to take note of it, as its the key to your future.   </h2>Tuesday, March 15, 2011 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell equaminity. ..er... equanimbity ...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to Bob , and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 16th March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Promises are likely to be broken and its with this in mind that you mustnt be too harsh on close ones who, in the coming days, are likely to have events taken out of their hands. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Honesty in love can pay back dividends. Lay your heart on the line and say how you really feel. Its the only way you stand a chance of getting who you want, how you want them. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)You cant seem to stop thinking about the past but you need to remember it as it was and not through rose-coloured spectacles my friend. Mercury offers you a solution to a problem in love; take it. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Try to resist the temptation to say things that you know are going to upset your close ones. Youre speaking for the sake of it and a tired mind is likely to see you looking for mischief. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Try and plan a more sensible agenda or you will not be able to finish an important project which is already taking far longer than you had thought to complete. Giving thought leads to success. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Someone is trying to rain on your parade, by giving them airtime youre giving their story backing. Good luck is on your side from today onwards though and the stars back you to take chances. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)You wanted a change and now you miss the past. Do you really miss what you had? Or is it the unpredictability of your previous situation, which is causing such a stir of emotion? SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Dont be too hard on a loved one who has been found out in some sort of a lie, with the pushy attitude you have shown of late they may have felt they had no choice. New beginnings in love make today a great one. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)No one likes a bully and you need to learn to stand up to those who are making you feel so emotionally vulnerable. You need to take a step back and realise that youre better than they are! CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Nasty things have been said and its imperative that you dont get involved in a war of words. Show youre the bigger person. Pride is important to a sign such as you, so dont lose it. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Some sensitive personal issues have been raised. They are standing in the way of you having a good time. Sort them out. They can be a distant memory in no time at all, if you take control. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Put confidence in your close ones at this time, and great things can happen. Youre finally learning how good it can be to work as part of a team. Letters contain offers, which are worth considering.     </h2>Wednesday, March 16, 2011 Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort of retainer she'd meant. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.) <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be strictly bass. One must have standards, after all. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the International Tiddly Wink Open three years running. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically jiggle a little thingie . While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance...  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 17th March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)You think you havent got a lot done, but youre wrong. Sometimes you are your own worst taskmaster. Take time out of your day to take stock, its sure to put a smile on your face. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)A surprise meeting with a face from your past could well leave you stunned and speechless. Find something to say though please Taurus. This is the second shot you thought youd never get! Use it well. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Tears and tantrums must not sway you from what you know you want. Close ones think that using emotional blackmail will work on you, but theyre wrong, arent they? I really hope so! CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)You find yourself spending your money on things, which you wouldnt usually even pick up, let alone buy. This newfound confidence proves to you and your close ones that you made the right choice recently. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Gossip could be exciting to listen to, but it could be your downfall if you repeat it. Maybe you should think how you would feel if the boot were on the other foot? Constructive words bring new friends. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Venus promises to bring drama and excitement to your life. No longer do you have to guess what is happening with personal issues but youll be able to see and know the right thing to do. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)There is a cheeky air about you today. Youll be saying what you shouldnt and flirting with anyone who will reciprocate. Respect those you deal with in business today. They hold the power to make great things happen. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Meetings, that take place at this time, should prove to you just how well you are respected as you get an offer that last year would not even have been a dream, let alone a reality. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Geminis offer much fun and help you to get back into the life of a friend you have really missed having around. Dont spend money you dont have, the best options are free tonight. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)You will be presented with an opportunity to travel, which opens up a whole new array of choices and paths for your future. Do you really want to begin this journey? I feel you are now ready. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)A run in, with someone that thinks more of you than you realise, could bring you down a peg or two. Try to think about the experience of the people youre dealing with today please. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Could it be that you finally realise your game playing is not the fun you hoped?  Or could it be that youve fallen harder than we thought? Life changes beckon. Get ready for some form of proposal.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 18th March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Close ones seem to be giving you a hard time about something that actually wasnt even your fault. Dont shout or get angry, but tell them calmly that what occurred was actually not your fault. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Youre spending more time thinking than doing. The problem with this is that when a sign such as you thinks for too long, you end up going around in circles. Taking chances favours romantic outcomes. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)A rather lethargic mood is the result of an overemotional week. You need to try and deal with the real issue, rather than those that have occurred as a result of your main problem. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)A work matter preying on your mind is making it hard for you to get in as romantic a mood as youd like. Go straight to the horses mouth and ask what you need to know. Clarity is yours if you do. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Life has not been easy for you of late, I know that. But what you don't realise is that you now have the backing of the stars and from today, the impossible becomes possible. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)You may be surprised when you find out who has been spreading rumours about you, but you could well be better off staying silent, and remember the saying, better the devil you know. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Approach romance with honesty or you could miss out on hearing the words someone is planning on telling you. Pride has stopped you from speaking your mind, but today offers you the chance to change that. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)New faces are out to seduce you and you may have a fight on your hands trying to get rid of them as they fall under the spell of your very attractive and individual personality. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Use old work contacts to find out some information on a new opening, which could cause you to change the direction you are going in with your future, and appears to link to forward thinking Aquarians. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)A friend, who you havent been able to see eye to eye with recently, is going to be doing all they can to tell you their side of the story. Please listen properly because theyre actually on your side! AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Friends arent all they seem, and you would be wise to keep any secrets you are harbouring under wraps for a little longer. Overseas links prove lucky and link to a trip being planned for March. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Dont allow other peoples dramas to become yours. Youll waste the time that you should have been spending on your love life, and believe me, youll wish you hadnt when you see whats on offer. </h2>Friday, March 18, 2011 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along? <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Beware the toilet plunger of Doom. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You'll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it's because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you've had to say about the weather lately. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a horsepower is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realising it. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?    

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 19th March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) This is a time of new beginnings for you and yesterday you started to work on a game plan. Phone calls you make right now can help you to take those first important steps to success. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) The full moon is sure to see you saying some things youll regret. What do you think you should do about it? Not a lot, but part of you will be pleased you put a certain person in their place. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Many surprises are in store for you this week, but dont worry, I can assure you that youll end this week with a very large smile on your face. Make that phone call concerning finances before 3pm. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) A surge of energy sees you going somewhere that you know close ones wont agree with, but you dont seem to be able to keep away. The question is are you willing to stand by your actions? LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) With the full moon in Virgo, youre going to find it hard not to believe you are in the right about everything today. Be careful or you may end up eating your words by this time tomorrow. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Youve been worrying about a phone call, which you think is coming your way. Dont worry Virgo; the stars indicate it is unlikely to come at all. Theyve moved on from the issue, and so should you. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Patience at this time can be a virtue, as the best offers for your career come later in the week, not earlier. Research is everything in financial affairs, even if it means paying to get it. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You know, you cant help someone who isnt even willing to help themselves. You have tried your best and its now time to back away and to start to make yourself a priority. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Money may be a little strained as someone fails to honour a promise, try to plan ahead and make some alternative arrangements, if you know you want to do something special this week. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You just love it when a plan comes together, and with the way the relationship sector of your chart is looking, this time is no different. Just dont let loose talk tonight undo all youve achieved. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Having to hand the power over to others may surprise you. This doesnt have to be a bad thing, it could just give you the rest youve needed to reflect and digest events. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Stop making promises to your loved ones that you know you have no intention of keeping. You are going to get yourself a reputation as a liar.  Truths may hurt but will eventually lead to happiness.     Saturday, March 19, 2011 Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. Jerry Seinfeld <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Beware of slime creatures today. There's one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to make strange hooting noises, while hiding in the bushes. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Ian McHarg once said, Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth. You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: So? <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.) <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will pass a sign that says invorp today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them . They are a silly people, the Dutch. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as port and starboard . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say nothing succeeds like success must have sounded like a real idiot.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 20th March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) An element of self-pity is evident. You need to forget about the past. You have everything to look forward to. The initial S is prominent. Your lifes changing and youre realising its for the better. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your sign is famous for loving food, money and of course romance. This month you get the chance to have all three. Start to make the effort today where before you didnt bother and success awaits you. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Your chart indicates a lot of upheaval. Many of your sign are on the verge of major changes. An exciting time, but one in which its vital you, and not others, stay in the driving seat. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Your energy levels have improved. Why not try doing the things you put off last week? You can turn a problem into the opportunity of a lifetime if you do Cancer. Older family need an apology. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Taking time out to spend with those you love helps you to get life into perspective again. Youve been too busy taking care of the little things recently to notice what and who was really important. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Friends can give you advice, but that doesnt mean you have to take it Virgo. Only you know if what they advise is something you should do. Dont be scared to stand your ground. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) This could be a case of you jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire if you are not careful my friend.  Honesty from you could well save the day, so use it. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) With the activity in your house of love, recent dramas are the least of your worries. Certain faces in your social circle are determined to get a reaction, but they wont get one, will they? SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You have got to give a younger face a break. Even you will have to admit that you have given them a hard time for far too long now. Use this weekend to break the ice. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Family are on your mind more than usual. Dont worry about people you know you cannot help at this time. Seeing you make progress should be more than enough of an incentive for them. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) A touch of fame beckons for many of your sign, as important faces will soon know your name. Dont tell lies in the name of love this weekend. Family already know more than you could imagine! PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Try and slow down. With the pace youre rushing through life at, you are going to meet yourself coming backwards. Favours you do for yourself, are the key to you making the most of today.     Sunday, March 20, 2011 I is a college student. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you'll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a briefcase is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between kidnapped and tortured and wins the lottery. Probably a little of both, I'd guess. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will order the dinner special at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Remember: it's a pride of lions, a gaggle of geese, and a murder of crows. More important for you today, though: a group of budgies is a bludgeoning. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That's it, though, for today's excitement. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) And old friend will call today, who you haven't talked to in years. He'll remind you that you owe him money. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon!

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 21st March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You might find it hard to stick to your social obligations. Youll find it hard to meet with one person at a time, as youll be competing with crowds and a big difference of opinion. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You enjoy a good argument as much as anyone, but even you must admit its wearing a little thin now. You know you need to meet them in the middle. Todays the day to do so. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You may find yourself making a phone call to talk to someone from your past. Just make sure youre moving forwards, and not going backwards with your life.  Progression means everything to a sign such as you. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Your life is never boring is it? Recently though, you seem to have become complacent about a certain situation in your life. Heart to heart conversations, both today and tomorrow, can get you back on track. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You, of all signs, know that people like to gossip. You should also know that if we all believed everything we heard, we wouldnt have time to get through the day. Listen to facts only, for success today. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Too much speculation on an area of your life has led you to feel unsure if you can complete what you wanted to do. You can and you will. Believe in yourself and others will too. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) What do you want to do with your life? Are your plans yours, or what close ones believe is best for you? For once Im daring you to be different. Life is calling, start living it. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Certain friends have been taking advantage of you recently. Thats bad enough, but you are the one who has been allowing them to do so.  Look at the bigger picture and get your priorities in order. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Youre finally starting to have fun with your life. Youve let go of a past issue, and I must say it has been the making of you, youre back and bigger and brighter than ever before. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Romance is written in your stars, but you need to be willing to trust your instincts and take chances. Hard for an earth sign such as you maybe, but worth every effort, I can assure you. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Do not play games in love this week. You need to start as you mean to go on, or you will be setting standards, which are beneath you. Places you visit tonight begin a very enjoyable habit. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Mars is allowing you to get things done in half the time. Your sense of humour is also working overtime though.  Be careful that you do not offend the faces around you today please.     Monday, March 21, 2011 Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together! <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Uh oh. Bursting into song day , again. Your friends will avoid you. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself! <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.) <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today! <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) A friend will tell you that he's been born again. You should probably avoid asking if he's breast feeding or on formula. People can be touchy about that. Also, expect him to be cranky before naptime.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 22nd March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You dont seem to know whom you can trust, as certain facts you had hoped to keep private seem to have become public knowledge. Confrontations today offer you the upper hand, if you keep your cool. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Changes are in the pipeline, and with the current line up you have everything you need to shape your career and your life as you have long dreamed. Take note today and take advantage. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Many of your sign seem to be spending much of their time thinking about someone from your past. Just make sure youre not making current decisions based on what is now only a distant memory. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Family have not made your life very easy for you lately. In fact, some would say theyve been using emotional blackmail. Place some limitations back on them and youll soon find the key to your freedom. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont push your close ones into doing what you want them to with their lives. To place such pressure upon them can only come back on you at a later date. Phone calls bring romance after 7pm. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Phone calls, emails and texts bring cause for celebration. You think you dont know what you want, but events at this time are about to prove otherwise. Foreign links open new doors in business. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont rush through your day, but take in everything that is going on around you. By paying attention to detail, you can grasp opportunities to improve your life, which you would not normally have seen. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) News of changes to friends lives makes you worry that youre not moving on. You are, its just that what you want takes a little longer to perfect, so if you relax, youre on your way. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) If youre unhappy in work, then of course you should do something about it. Just dont throw the baby out with the bathwater and make changes without a game plan. Clarity and answers are on their way. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) If you dont know what to do with your life, the answer has to be to take time out to do some research, until you do know. Its not the lazy option; its the brave one. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Spending quality time with younger faces and letting them know that you care about what they do with their lives can offer you some serious insight into what is really going on in their mind. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) The stars are pushing you to ask for things you may regret. You want to impress those around with your ability to do everything at once. Warning! Quality is more important than quantity right now. Tuesday, March 22, 2011 Trust everybody, but cut the cards. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will answer the phone today by shouting You bloated sack of protoplasm!. Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That's not something you should try to deal with yourself -- call in the professionals. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under Florists, Reputable . <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as launch codes , who's been naughty , or Snerge . This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They're just doing it to be difficult. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You look rediculous in that. Go and change. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud smooching sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they? I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 23rd March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Be careful with your words. What you and I know to be truths, are others secrets. Youd be better to keep all business, which is not yours, out of mind and sight. Contracts offer you your dream. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your sign is very good at sorting other peoples problems out, but have you ever thought about using this asset yourself? The chance to do so can be made possible by joining forces with a Gemini. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You still havent got over the events from last month. You have a lot of thinking to do, as you finally decide to make the life change that can bring you true happiness. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) New ways to get on with family make for a memorable period, as you prove how able you are to adapt. Youve proven youre the grown up. You should be proud about how far youve come. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Flirtations are set to make this a really enjoyable end to the month. In fact, as you progress though March, you realise that you hold the power to make love and life all that you desire. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Dont be bullied by new faces that think they can make you feel small with their behaviour and looks. Stand tall and show youre better than that, by not playing their silly games. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You dont want to get caught up in others wars, but you already are, as you have been made guilty by association. Stay neutral; the stars are about to extract you from this wasteful drama. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) No ones an angel, not even you! The Moon forces you to look far deeper at life than is really necessary and you could give the impression you want more of a commitment than you do. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Making time for family today can help fill in some missing blanks from last months dramas. Youre older and wiser now, and success in your career this week can confirm this. Its your time! CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Forced changes in the family may not sit well with you, but is actually a blessing in disguise. Youll find this out soon enough.  In the meantime relax; the stars have your best interests at heart. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youre too stubborn for your own good and you could end up cutting off your nose to spite your face. Games are being played but dont become a player. Love should and must be your prerogative. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Structured Saturn helps you to make up for the lost time, which last month saw you having to endure. What was impossible is now possible, so make the effort to succeed where before you failed. Wednesday, March 23, 2011 When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won't be the first time, either. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) A very pale young woman wielding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will realize soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs! , you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will hear a strange clicking sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don't you think? <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Your sudden fascination with podiatry is nothing to worry about, and should fade with time. Eventually, the only remaining evidence will be your usual telephone greeting: Hello, how are your feet?

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 24th March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Family make it hard for you to find freedom. They think because they want you to do something, that it is your responsibility. Tell them so with grace and manners; its time to break free. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Think about what you want and not just what would make everyone else happy. You may think that a certain person knows you inside and out, but conversations over the coming days may well prove otherwise. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Dont ignore dealing with those delicate issues. You and I know youve been kept awake at night worrying how things will go, but others dont. Focusing on them and getting help today can solve them.  CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) It doesnt cost anything to have manners Cancer, but it can pay back riches. Say a thank you where it is due. Certain people in your life have gone out of their way for you recently. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Children appear to be of special significance. Check and make sure that you have not forgotten a birthday or relevant anniversary around this time. Youll be glad you did, once you realise how important it was. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Dont allow close ones to talk you into leaving your work early today, or colleagues into pushing work to one side.  Mars can, and will, untie anything that you have not made time to fully complete. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Use old work contacts to find out some information on a new opening, which could cause you to change the direction you are going in with your future, and appears to link to forward thinking Geminis. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You have spent much of your time dreaming about the new life that may soon be yours. Make sure you act the professional today when some sort of bonus could be yours with ease. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Leos have romance on their mind if youre willing. You still need time after last month, to work out what and who really makes you happy. Dont be rushed; time is on your side, use it. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) An odd mixture of friends, come together and actually mix very well indeed. Muster up some self-confidence, you can impress the right person who could help you turn that all-important corner in your career. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Be nice to all new faces over the coming days. You never know who they could turn out to be in time to come. You also get the inside scoop on what really happened last weekend! PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) There are still some important issues that you need to lay to rest over the coming weeks.  Dont rush the changes you seek, or you will only end up with a compromise instead of a solution.  Thursday, March 24, 2011   Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain     <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as port and starboard. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said The geek shall inherit the earth , but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You've been getting tired of the same old look , day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em! <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags... <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Hide. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags... <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that.    

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 25th March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You seem to be running late work wise. This may be due to the new and improved air your love life has taken on of late.  Returning phone calls this afternoon can save you reputation and money. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) A great day to track down people from your past is on face book, or by simply popping in for an unexpected visit. Its time to pull the past and present together. Self-acceptance is yours. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Your mind is on work issues and on how you can make your career all you had dreamed. Solo projects are favoured, and if youre looking for backing, this is the time you can get it. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Your social life has turned a corner and you should find that you have plenty to look forward to in the weeks ahead. News you get via phone or text this week; brings a major surprise. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Links with the law, legal dealings and higher education are all forecast to go well for you at this time. The only thing that can let you down is not using your manners. Remember this today. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) The way you are dealing with your life is so much better this month than it was last. Youre finally coming to terms with who you are, and what you want. Announcements you make confirm this. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) The only reason that a person is affecting you so dramatically is because you are letting them. Break free and focus on what and who is really important. Life is for living, so enjoy it. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) An interesting offer comes your way for tonight, and if I were you I would grab it with both hands, as it wont come round again. Confusion in the workplace can lead you to a promotion. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Your mind is quick and your thinking is clear. Thank goodness, now you should be able to make up for the very sloppy week you have just experienced. A certain someone is ready to forgive you. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Youre thinking of a time gone past. Did you do the right thing? Do you need to learn anything from what happened? What you must realise, is that you know you can afford to aim higher. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You must feel like you are banging your head against a wall. You are trying to get a response and youre getting nothing. Wait and keep your cool. Miracles and help await you after 6pm. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You have always had your ups and downs with your family, but you are actually approaching a time in your life, when you can get along with everyone. Making the first move today proves this.   Friday, March 25, 2011   No matter where you go, there you are. -- Buckaroo Banzai     <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named Brutus , it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective... <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud smooching sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they? I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 26th March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) A difficult family member is going out of their way to make sure that they ruin the plans you had made for the coming weeks.  Gain the upper hand by ignoring their childish behaviour. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont place restrictions on close ones, unless you too are wiling to live by the same rule. You cant have different standards for one another, or you will never have the respect. They go hand in hand. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Youre feeling betrayed, but please check out all of the facts, before you start handing out punishments. Your stars indicate you only have half the story. Texts after 6pm can fill in missing blanks. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Trust in what youre feeling, but dont get too emotional about matters you know are out of your control. It seems that someone is trying to use your giving nature to get their own way. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Time spent with faces from your past, can help you to fill in many missing blanks. You are finally ready to move on and focus on the future. Geminis play a key role in this. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Work can leave you feeling extremely satisfied, if you can concentrate on the issues at hand. Too many opinions on a work matter are making it hard for you to trust your better judgement. Caution. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) With the current action in our skies, this is a time to finish what you started rather than embarking on new projects. Attention to detail can bring you money and admiration, so make the extra effort. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A project youve been working hard on still doesnt seem to be any nearer to completion. You may be feeling despondent, but dont. There is much you can do to end this month on a high. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) A so-called friend, who has overstepped the mark one time to many, needs to be put in their place. Dont enter into arguments with them though. Theyre not worth your time or effort. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) This is a day when business deals and monetary matters place you firmly in the power seat. Just make sure you dont neglect to thank the person who got you such contacts in the first place. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Use Saturn, the planet of structure, to lay down some new and improved plans for both your personal and professional life. The number 5 is lucky and links to gossip thats in your interest to uncover. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Make sure the home is looking as good as youd like it to for visitors this week.  Unexpected visitors make for a really alternative week, including the introduction of a new and very compatible face.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 27th March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You have worked hard over the last year and you have managed to gain much respect from important faces. Youre about to see what good luck can come from such efforts and hard work. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You have to spend more time than youd like in the company of the younger generation. Some important bonding can be done though, and you can also do much to improve your standing with loved ones. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Dont be surprised if you cant complete all of your work today. You see, not even the most determined of us could manage to complete the enormous workload that you have given yourself. Play fair. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You may want to let a younger person know why you havent honoured the promises you made them at the weekend, as they are likely to be feeling both dazed and confused. Truths only today please! LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) This is the week when you get to find out whom your true friends are. You may be surprised by the revelations, which the stars will make to you and youll certainly be better off. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Travel is highlighted. Make sure you are not running away from the issues in your life. By facing any worries head on, you can find a long term, and not just a short-term solution. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Business matters loom heavy, and it is time that you worked out a more accommodating schedule for yourself.  Financial areas of your life are long overdue for changes, and its time to start making them. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) It is time to sit down and have a talk with a younger person that appears to have lost their way. Solutions to all problems in your life are far easier than you may think.  SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont rush so much into things that you have not really had time to think about. You are far older and wiser now, and your chart indicates that the past year has taught you much. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You think youre going too slowly with your progress in life. This is not at all true. What you are doing is making sure you are doing things right. Dont be rushed, all is in hand. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Experience is the teacher of fools. Youve come through a lot and its time to give yourself a break before you undo all that you have managed to achieve. Rewards come from Venus after 4pm. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Dont take decisions a close one has made too personally. We all have dreams and it is time that you started to focus your mind on what you really want, rather than on everyone else.  As for the funny horoscopes, The site is down again today, so there wont be any to read and laugh at. Sorry gang. 

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 28th March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Youre no longer sure that you can commit to something, which last week you were ready to turn your life upside down for. Youre just suffering from nerves, relax, youve made the right choice. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Scorpios hold the key to what could become one of the most important relationships of your life. Your day-to-day living is changing; ensure you shape it to how you want, while you have the power to do so. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) There is nothing better for you than having your nearest and dearest all gathered around. It would seem though, that there is some news for you to uncover that will be a surprise, even to you. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Finances look really good for the future, so plan your new directions. I can assure you that the planets will support you every step of the way, as will a family member you didnt expect. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) We dont have to be the same as our partners, or our close ones, to get on with them. In fact, being different from one another is sometimes the best combination. Enjoy and dont judge. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) This is a great time to look into new business deals or cash in old ones. The future looks bright and Mars allows you to make changes, which previously you would never even have contemplated.  LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont push situations, which are clearly not ready to be toyed with. The reason youre in a hurry is youre frightened it will go away. Youre wrong; its here to stay if you want it to. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Dont say things you know will hurt a close one just to get a reaction. It would be far better to say nothing until you have heard what really went on over the last few days. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) This is a day to take a backseat, and to stay away from a friend, who is announcing a major change. The energy you are going to be feeling must be used on bettering your own life. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Problems with education or law make for a stressful time. Focus on what can be done, rather than what cant, and success will be yours. Work on tying up whats been completed, and not starting anew. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Good luck is all around you, and you have much to look forward to, so relax, the stars are behind you.  It s all very well supporting friends, but just make sure its a two way street. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) This is a good, but testing period, as you try to find out which direction youre meant to be taking. One things for sure, that your hard work last month has not gone unnoticed.   Monday, March 28, 2011   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer. Swami X     <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Beware of being cautious, today. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having defined the current decade. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that breathes . Or, in this case, wheezes. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You know that how you dress will inevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is Help! Help! <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say bad bush! in a loud stern tone. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote Hey nonny, nonny , in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will discover a causative link between politics and food. While the liberalizing action of granola has long been commented upon, and the patriotism-enhancing qualities of apple pie are well established by now, you will go further. In fact, you will discover several other links. Fiscal Conservatism? Tuna Hot Dish. Reactionary Bible-thumping? Grits. Idealism? Pizza with artichokes. You'll even (eventually) uncover the link between saturated fat and Rush Limbaugh! <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) If you don't start relaxing a bit before lunch, you're going to develop a close cousin to IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) -- the dreaded Disgruntled Stomache

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 29th March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Use the energy to do something productive, which has so far made you feel nervous and edgy. Then you will find you can tie up the work that you had been hoping to this week. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You want to change something personal about yourself, but are unsure how others would react to it. Time is the answer to you gaining the confidence for something, which you and I know is inevitable. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Keep your wits about you today please when empty promises are being offered.  Make your words and actions count as you had originally planned and imagined, not what others expect. Mercury is behind you. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Dont be too quick to judge the new faces that are set to come into your life. There is much to be gained by holding back on your opinions, especially on Geminis and Librans. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Leave alone the domestic problem that has been worrying you, or youll inflame an already delicate situation. Treat your life with the respect it deserves and you will start to see the success you crave. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) This strange behaviour we have seen you adopt of late can do you no favours. Make a plan to get your personal and professional life to work in synch, and then you will feel a lot happier. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) The planet Saturn is making your judgement rather blurred, so be careful that you do not accuse close ones of doing things, which deep down inside, you know they wouldnt dream of even thinking. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Finally, you can see that there is a future. You now know what you want and what needs to be done to achieve it. Arguments in the family will blow over. Phone calls can ensure this. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Be careful how far you go in order to help out a close one. It is all very well being understanding to their needs, but you could end up with responsibilities you dont want. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) This is the perfect time for you to sort out any differences you have, so take full advantage my friend.  The stars can easily dissolve arguments, and common ground at last is found. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Be warned! Spreading any more rumours will come back on you! You would be far better to deal with the personal issue that youve done a good job of sweeping under the carpet so far, Aquarius. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Having a sense of humour can be to your benefit today. Certain signs are blowing a lot of hot air, and by not reading too deeply into what is being said, youll come out the winner.  Tuesday, March 29, 2011   Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else. -- Will Rogers     <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as Frijole-breath before the day is through. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a squid fling. Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say Hay! <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say Ow! . That's when I usually say No pain, no gain. Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Confucious said Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life. Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never worked a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will discover proof that Sports Utility Vehicles are tangible evidence of Evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings.    

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 30th March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) If you feel you have a lot on your plate, delegate. If you wont accept help, then close ones are simply going to stop offering it. Time spent with a Virgo, highlights the need for you to organise work and personal life. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont abuse the power the stars are handing you. If you dont get on with someone, leave them to their own devices but dont cause an unnecessary situation, or youll cast yourself in a jealous role. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) People are taking you too much for granted and you keep falling for it even though you know better. Venus helps you realise what and whom you need to keep smiling. Listen to instincts today. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Rather than thinking about the amount of money you could spend on a loved one, why not instead think about the meaning of the gift you are buying them.  Its actually your time theyre after anyway. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Time spent with powerful faces in your career, can help you see that you too are meant for great things. Youre ready to be a part of the competition and success awaits you, my friend. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) New friends can be found under the sign of Leo throughout the coming seven days.  What you thought to be a promise in business may only have been an idea, unless you get it in writing. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) A naughty streak could see you flirting with disaster today, but dont talk too loudly, more people than you think are watching and listening. Saying what you really want can be met by surprise approval. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Love comes at a price, as you have to neglect certain areas of your life in order to ensure you can take care of whats now become your priority. Overseas links prove exciting from today onwards. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Correspondence you receive at this time, can tell you a lot about what really went on at the beginning of the month. You have to prove yourself at work, but the rewards are well worth it. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) There is much work that needs to be done, and its important that you dont allow a wayward friend to talk you into taking any short cuts. You could damage the spotless reputation that you have. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Money is clouding your judgement over a matter, which you wouldnt usually even think about entering into. It is time to consult your close ones that know you well, before you end up doing something you regret. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Mix-ups with money are brought on by todays stars and could force you to pay out money you had planned on keeping. Answers to monetary worries link to places you must visit this week.   Wednesday, March 30, 2011       <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.) <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guinness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a stiff upper lip . Much to everyone's surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) You dumped the body WHERE? . <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of Villiage Idiot , in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds.    

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 31st March   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Learn to trust your instincts.  If you give it a shot, youll be pleased with the results. Trips you make to see family will be worth your while as you get to hear news to make you smile. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Support is what is needed at this time, and it is only by asking for it that you will get it, so speak out. Try to avoid making promises, which you know you cannot really keep today. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) A certain someone may want to play games in love, but that doesnt mean you have to. Saturn is offering you structure to your life at last. Keep eyes forward. Youre on the path for success. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Use the current helpful line up to proceed with a relationship thats come to some sort of a standstill. This is your chance to get back on track, so make sure that you dont ignore it. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Youre not going to get on with everyone, but at least pretend to make an effort with new faces. By doing so, you ensure you look the bigger person to those who really matter to you. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Education is well starred as youre offered the chance to go back and fill in the missing blanks. This includes finishing the things that may have fallen by the wayside at the beginning of the year. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You have not had enough hours in the day to get things sorted recently, but thats all about to change, as youre ready, willing and able, to take back control of life and love. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Much can be learnt about what goes on behind closed doors. This is due to the fact that the stars place you in the role of counsellor, and youre about to discover secrets and revelations. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Peace and relaxation are what you want, but drama and intrigue are what youre getting. Want to to tie things up successfully? Let the two parties concerned sort it out and stop being a scapegoat. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) This is where you finally get permission to do what you want, when you want. I have a feeling that you had already promised yourself, that this is what you would do anyway.  Didnt you? AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Jealousy is never a nice trait you know. You can control yours if you try, and you can earn the friendship of the person concerned. Be the bigger person, you know you can, dont you? PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You have your business head on, and great deals can be made if you are willing to listen to the many ideas, that faces you have never previously taken notice of have to offer.   Thursday, March 31, 2011   I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future. -- Vice President Dan Quayle    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don't. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's prep-something ? Ah! Preparation -something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me! <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite! <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up heads , tails , heads , heads. Then someone will come up and say hey, whatcha doing? Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realize that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a spaz attack , which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars? <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)     

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 1st April   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) The person youre interested in would be a fool not to like you Aries. However too many opinions on both sides have made you both more wary than you need to be. Today changes all this. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your love life can change your personality so much that close ones just dont recognise you at times. However your stars show that your actions in love will be very much remembered by all today. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Dont lose your temper until youve had a chance to look at the facts. Someones imagination has been working overtime, and you would be wise to back off until you hear from the person concerned directly. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Money is likely to be spent on entertaining, as youre out to impress. Make sure you let your personality, and not your credit card, do the talking. Its the real you that can win people over. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Matters you did not think could be turned around should at last show signs of life again today, but that doesnt mean you can relax just yet. Giving up your free time for work brings success. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Your house of finances is highlighted and you find it possible to face your fears head on regarding money. You also start to focus on what is possible instead of what isnt. Clarity is yours. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You thought that youd lost a close one, but surprises indeed await you later this week as they come to their senses and leave that new life they had started, to come back to the old. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A more mischievous side to your nature is evolving and could see you doing things, which the rest of the zodiac would not dare. Just make sure you know how far is too far to go. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Theres an air of excitement. You know something big is going to happen, you just cant say exactly what it is. This ride you are on is certain to be a memorable one from here on in. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A positive mental attitude is the key to you turning your life around. Remember, as I have said many times before, if you think you can you will and if you think you cant you wont. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) New friends start to take advantage of your kind nature. Be careful, as youve been down this road before. Make sure you set the standards sooner rather than later, before its too late to draw a line. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) A certain someone may like to keep living in the past but you dont want that. Dont allow them to corner you into saying things you dont mean just to make them feel better. Take control.   

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 2nd April   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) The planets are making many of the signs disagreeable.  Youd be best not to rise to any bait laid before you.  Standing tall today gives you the confidence to take your career to the next level. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Stop looking to the past for the answers you need. It is only by looking to the future that you will ever find the truth you are seeking. You know this deep down, dont you? GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Impress new faces with your personality, instead of saying what you think they want to hear. Its sure to find you far more supporters, as Im sure youll agree if you think about it. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) This is a good day for your career as you should at long last find out not only where superiors see your career heading, but also how appreciated you are for your recent efforts. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Someone you have not seen in a long time is back on your mind for a very important and relevant reason. Youre re-opening an important chapter, but this time youre armed with experience and wisdom. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Flirtations take a turn for the serious and you could well end up finding yourself willing to commit to things you would normally run a mile from. Dont worry; this is actually a compatible union. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Make sure you get a second opinion on all contracts you receive at this time; you may not be seeing things from the most straightforward of views. Paying to go the professional route will pay off. Phone now so I can help you get closer to your dreams. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Someone you didnt think youd get on with in your career proves how flexible you can be when you keep an open mind with offers that come after 4pm. Jupiter brings messages in dreams. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont let rumours, gossip and hearsay ruin what should be a happy time now for you. Its time to start enjoying what should be a really fun time of the year. Romance waits if you do. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Someone that you were hoping to see has not been avoiding you on purpose. Please do not jump to conclusions but work on the rest of the week rather than overanalysing. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You may not have got on with a certain person as you wanted, but what you will have learned is that youre allowed to be different people. You both just need to live and let live. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) The dreamy mood that has influenced you of late is finally starting to lift and you should be able to see clearly the opportunities that lie before you. Venus puts the flavour back into romance.  Saturday, April 02, 2011   The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing. William J. Broad    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighbourhood Astral Travel Agency. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Angst day, today. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with muzac in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting nick nacks .  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 3rd April   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Think before you speak today, for the stars are casting you in a very knowledgeable light indeed and any advice or guidance you give is sure to be taken far more literally than you may think. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Todays new moon helps you to find fresh inspiration and new ways to deal with old problems. You hold all and not just some of the aces, so make sure you trust those instincts. Its sure to payback tenfold. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Trust in what youre feeling but dont get too emotional about matters you know are out of your control. It seems that someone is trying to use your giving nature to get his or her own way. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You cant keep a certain person out of your head and the more you try and not think about them the more they are on your mind. Could it be love? The stars reckon so. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Your element of fire is pushing you to think the worst. Back down and pay attention to what others are saying. The facts are before you, so stop listening to the idle gossip please. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Dont be in too much of a hurry to spend your money. You may regret it when you see what tomorrow has to offer. Someone you thought would let you down today, pleasantly surprises you. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You must be exhausted after recent events. Youve talked about the past, the present and the future and youre finally starting to see that your life is not lived through that of others. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Saturn is ready, willing and able to help you put the structure back into your life. You however are still reeling from the weekends dramatics. Make that phone call and get that answer before 4pm. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Youre feeling more emotional than usual and this may push you to ask for a change youll regret, just to get a reaction from a close one. Cancer star signs can talk sense to you, so seek them out. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You seem to be meeting with a lot of angry and irate people at the moment. Theres no reason for you to get angry though. The nicer you are to them the more chance you have of helping them. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Its only by showing loved ones how calm and collected you are for them to think you have the tolerance you need for such an important, yet very happy change to both your lives. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) There is much for you to get excited about right now with your work and you may find yourself travelling somewhere new and exciting thanks to a recent change that occurred in high places.     Sunday, April 03, 2011        <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will realize that it's impossible to truly control anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some influence over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, if you ain't broke, don't fix it. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You'll find that is particularly true, this week. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight! <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom pluger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it Life In The Details .  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 4th April   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Your stars indicate that you are in a rather reflective mood and you are likely to lose yourself in daydreams, particularly about the past. The urge to call someone you shouldnt is strong. Stay focused. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You are believing too many tales and not looking at enough facts, particularly where your career is concerned. Dont be in too much of a hurry to rush. A slow pace will bring success. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) A slower pace in your career is making you feel nervous. Dont be my friend. What is being laid now is the groundwork for a really successful future. Focus, great things await with confidence this year. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Someone you have always doubted in business is about to show you his or her hidden talent, which can have a great financial benefit for you. Make sure that you listen to all thats being said today. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Stop trying to run before you can walk in a project thats in need of time to achieve the scale of success youre dreaming of. Take in all of the options, instead of just some of them. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Those that you meet after 3pm today can be of particular assistance to your career so listen when they speak please. Dressing well today can gain you the help and attention you need too. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Watch out for flirtatious exs trying to smooch their way back into your love life. If they werent right for you then they will not be right for you now, so dont drop those standards. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You've either been neglecting loved ones or someone has neglected you for their work. Try to be more accepting and understanding of others now. You may need the favour returned far sooner than you think. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) The number two links to you obtaining an apology owed. Please dont back out of commitments you have made for today. Youll miss out on learning something vital to your future if you do. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) This is a day when business deals and monetary matters place you firmly in the power seat. Just make sure you dont neglect to thank the person who got you such contacts in the first place. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Luck is shining down on you. Look at the way you have got away with telling so many white lies this month, and unnecessary ones at that too. Truths told tonight can seal an important commitment. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Slowing your pace in your career and looking at options you have not previously considered before can make all the difference to your future earnings. The impossible now becomes possible.  Monday, April 04, 2011   The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. -- William Clayton    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's ok to throw mashed potatoes, however. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: Who Do You Want To Be Today? <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil? <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Everyone's talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it's pretentious of you to talk about Bob Nostradamus , but who cares? They'll all die when the comet hits, anyway. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having defined the current decade. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell.     

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 5th April  ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)You should find it possible to complete a matter which last week seemed unending, as the stars provide you with the gift of clear thinking. You finally can get closure on a major issue. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)You have much to learn about a new phase you have entered and the coming days are sure to show you many new and enjoyable things in life. Now get out there and enjoy it. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Arranging to spend time with those you love can do much for your confidence at this time. You find yourself working out a more successful path for your future. Confidence and clarity reign again. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)You know yourself better than anyone else. So come on, tell it like it is. By doing so all your dreams and more can come true this month. You know you owe it to yourself! LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)You dont seem to understand what a close one really wants from you, but events today will reveal everything. Stay alert and you can learn all you need to get back on an even keel. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)You may be finding it hard to see the funny side of a situation that affected your life, but try to look at the lighter side. By doing so you can build important bridges this week. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)You don't seem to be able to stop thinking about a work matter that isn't going the way that you had hoped. Things can't happen overnight. Have patience; structure is headed your way from Saturn. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)There comes a time in all our lives when we have to think about what we want and not just what friends think we should do. This is that time. Stand up for what you want. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Venus makes it hard for you to tell the difference between love and lust today. Your actions today may well lead you to do things which others will not let you forget in a hurry. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)There are so many people behind you at this time, which makes it possible for you to make changes, which earlier in the year you could not even have contemplated. Teamwork brings clarity and happiness. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)The way you think about your future has been undergoing a series of changes and you may find yourself taking a more active role in your health and wellbeing. You are finally living life again. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Ensure you return all phone calls and messages now please, or you could be missing out on some golden opportunities. Dont be afraid of those challenges; embrace them. You are in control! Tuesday, April 05, 2011   There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.George Bernard Shaw    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. Let's all just pretend there isn't one! , you'll say. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Beware of rodents. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery... <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will discover that you are capable of channelling , when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive! <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview... <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 6th April   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Be nice to a loved one who is trying to get your attention later tonight. They have something to say that you've been waiting to hear for months. Posting letters today can give you the upper hand. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont think you can tell friends everything about your personal life. The other point to consider is that they may not want to know the ins and outs that you seem to deem so important. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Try not to share secrets you know are going to lead to problems this week. If you can let things transpire naturally then you will feel so much better by this time next week. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You should be able to read people like a book, as your powers of intuition enable you to see straight through any lies or deception. This could well see you parting ways with a familiar face! LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You think this week is looking dull compared to the events that took place last month but you would be wrong. It is the very element of surprise thats appealing to a sign such as you. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Your career comes under the spotlight and you find yourself wondering whether you should make a sacrifice in the home in order to gain something in your work. You know the answer; you just have to admit it. Give me a ring to hear which sign deserves a second chance. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Its going to be hard for you to stay out of office politics. Try, as someone you cannot afford to get on the wrong side of is going to be listening to every word you say.  SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) An odd start to the day could see you backing out of things youve agreed for the end of the month. However, you may regret your words, and youd be best to sleep on major decisions. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) A new face may have great opportunities to offer you in love, but may cause you to dig deeper than youd like into your own funds. Do money and love mix? Youre about to find out. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Dont burn the candle at both ends or you could make superiors think that you are not interested in the new projects that are beginning to emerge and which could offer prime opportunities your way. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You love being with people, you also like to be on your own. Be prepared that a favour that is asked by someone could end up becoming a permanent situation, so think through before you decide. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Look to Librans for support in the workplace when you may find yourself having to take the role of boss and can finally prove to all, how very able and gifted you are at your job.   Wednesday, April 06, 2011   You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough. Joe E. Lewis    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul. Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You've heard that when economists use the word nice , they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is like, totally kewl . <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase Careful, filling is hot! . <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect... <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of sacred quest , which will make a good ice-breaker. ( So...what's with the coconuts? ) <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of Titanic II . <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 7th April  ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)A guilty conscience needs no accuser. Come on my friend; sort out the drama that took place last night. There is too much at stake for both parties concerned not to deal with it head on. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Be prepared to make some sacrifices to your life in order to make a close one happy. That does not mean that you will not benefit. In fact youre in for a pleasant surprise. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)You know you have to give up a habit but you dont know how to go about it. What you should know is that youre one of the most determined signs. Mind over matter, starting now. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Someone you didnt think you could trust in love is about to prove you wrong as they take a stand which leaves you with no question that you are indeed their number one priority. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)A secret that you have been keeping to yourself finally becomes too much for you to bear. What you are about to discover today though is that this is actually a blessing in disguise. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Children appear to be of special significance. Check and make sure that you have not forgotten a birthday or relevant anniversary around this time. Youll be glad you did once you realise how important it was. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Patience at this time can be a virtue as the best offers for your career come later in the week not earlier. Research is everything in financial affairs, even if it means paying to get it. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)A friend in the market is better than money in the chest. Call them and make up now. You know youve missed them as they have missed you. The Sun enforces your confidence, so use it. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Dont exaggerate the size of a problem between you and a loved one. Make up now, not later. By doing so you will be able to enjoy the many good times waiting for you both. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)A problem in the home could see you running to a friend for advice. Make sure the final answer to the problem is yours alone. Doing so will help you ensure your plans a long term one. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Beware of poking your nose into the affairs of others, it may get you into more trouble than you had imagined. Concentrating on your own life today instead can prove a revelation in love. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)What you thought to be a promise from a certain close one could well have been nothing more than a suggestion on their part. Check with the party concerned if youre relying on them. Thursday, April 07, 2011   Please leave your values at the front desk.In a Paris hotel elevator    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) What ever you do today, don't panic. Remember to bring a towel. Government bureaucracy figures heavily in your life, soon. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Tiddly wink day. Make it count. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune? <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to get yourself one of those aromatherapy candles that you see in gift stores. Try Love or Inspiration for example. (Avoid Death or Decay. ) <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) E-coli. It's what's for dinner! <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say bad bush! in a loud stern tone. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to just walk down the street, going Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo . I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of Titanic II . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 8th April  ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)A new face gives you the chance to get to know them a little better but listen carefully, they will not be asking twice! Keeping to work deadlines can earn you respect from important faces. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)This is your final day to sort out a romantic quandary that you have gotten yourself into yet again Taurus. Dont underestimate your powers of attraction, you can get who you want, I assure you. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Close ones are sure to feel the excitement youre exuding. Just be careful of a deal going sour which did and still does, hold the power to replenish your funds. Stay aware and in control. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Try not to get irate with a new work contact that might not understand the urgency required on a financial matter. Librans link to new avenues in your work; be open to all possibilities. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)You are prepared to go to great lengths in order to make your career successful.  Make sure youre not compromising your beliefs or you will undo all of the very hard work you have put in. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)You may not want to think of a close one making changes, but you may have no choice if you are to keep them in your life. Money comes in late around now so prepare accordingly. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Love is in the air and youre the one thats going to be getting all of the attention over the coming days. For once youre not afraid what other people think you should do. About time too! SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Foreign links are strong and many of your sign will be preparing for an exotic visitor of sorts. Finances are positively emphasised and you should find yourself looking at things with a fresh and solvable view. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)You may have to travel out of your way to help a close one out of a difficult situation they have managed to get themselves into. Your support is key, so make sure you give it. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Right now your social circle is going through a somewhat emotional time, and tempers have been flared for no apparent reason. By agreeing to play peacemaker today you can mend important bridges for friends. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Changes are in the pipeline and with the current line up; you have everything you need to shape your career and your life as you have long dreamed. Take note today and take advantage. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)The stars are pushing you to ask for things you may regret. You want to impress those around with your ability to do everything at once. Warning, quality is more important than quantity right now. Friday, April 08, 2011   It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.Alfred Adler    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting huck, huck! sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You look rediculous in that. Go and change. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will mosey, this week. There's nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it's occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you'll soon begin work on Mosey Your Way To Fitness , a best-selling self-help book on the topic. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Avoid yodelling today. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel